Articles

  • Deirdrgre Gets Married

    The B&S Presents… Deighdre Gets Married. Our vampire, vampire slayer slaying heroine’s big day approaches. But will everything go as she planned? Let’s find out… Deedra looked at herself in the mirror. Or rather, she pretended to look at herself in the mirror for the sake of her inferior human bridesmaids, for she could not look in the mirror, given that she was a vampire. As she brushed her satanically dark hair from her snowflake dress, she gave an appraising nod to Lord Hoopyville, her owl companion. Now was the time. With a sigh, she walked down the stairs, making...
  • True Grinnellian

    As graduation approaches, the question “why did you come to Grinnell?” rings in my head. The answer? Because they gave me money, lmao!! Because if I didn’t come here, I’d be some rando running around the University of Maryland, probably still trying to force myself to be a science major. That’s it! That’s what it boils down to. I’m incredibly privileged to be here, but I didn’t come here to study, or to do anything, really. I wanted out of where I was, I wanted the chance to find out who I was, and Grinnell gave me that escape route....
  • A Groundbreaking Success

    The Grinnell campus community was invited to participate in an event celebrating the current various construction projects all around us all the time. Although some students were skeptical at first, the celebration proved to be an overwhelming success with satisfied students from all over campus engaging in the fun. “I imagined there would be some type of interactive aspect but I had no idea it would be so immersive.” recalls Joel Kinsen ‘19, “They gave me a bright yellow safety vest and full reign to operate that phallic giant I have been gawking over all semester.” Charlotte Kilmer ‘20, another...
  • New Anti-Sexism Club Faces Oppression

    A new club, dubbed Students Against Sexism in Science (or SASS) is making waves in Grinnell’s science department. Founded by and consisting of exclusively white heterosexual cisgender male students across the various sciences with intent of fighting rampant misogyny, it has encountered a surprising resistance from others in joining it. “I’ve been here for three years, and all this time I had no idea such atrocity existed in Grinnell,” Ellington Franklin McAllister III ’18, a white cis male CS major and one of SASS’s founders, stated. “If only [the misogyny] had been exposed sooner, we might’ve addressed this years ago!”...
  • Silicon Valley Bound

    Famous Silicon Valley star Kumail Nanjiani attended Grinnell to give a pre-graduation talk. Droves of students turned out for the speech; however, many of students had different motives. The speech itself was fairly remarkable. Every other slide contained the words “FUCK GRINNELL” written in light yellow letters and displayed over a neon yellow background. Most students agree it was incredibly affirming. “Does anyone have any questions?” Nanjiani asked at the end of his speech. Instantly, several hands shot up in one particular section of the room. “How does one begin working in Silicon Valley? As a first-year, I’ve had two...
  • Student Sits In Different Seat

    An apocalypse was unwittingly initiated by a fourth year who decided to mess with the social order by not sitting in their usual place in class. The chaos star ted when Justin Garcia ’17 sat down in a chair 3 places to the right of his usual seating arrangement in his Sociology of Social Movements class. “Yeah, at first I thought he was going to talk to a friend, or he saw a Starburst on the ground or something.” A traumatized Elena Smith ’19 related. “But it was clear he had… other intentions.” According to witnesses, Garcia confidently straddled the...
  • Students Threat To Construction

    CONSTRUCTION SITES - After a number of students were found to have entered the ARH and Mac Field Construction Sites, the college administration was forced to take drastic action. “This is absolutely unacceptable,” said administrator Andie Conway. “What an egregious breach of self-governance and what it means to be a Grinnellian. Like, for one thing, it’s called the Humanities and Social Studies Complex! How many times do we have to say it! It’s not the “ARH” construction it’s the “HSSC” construction!” “We care very deeply for the students in our community,” said Conway. “We know that TitHead this year was...
  • Athletes Banned From Fitness Center

    After a productive town hall on Tuesday about inclusion in the Fitness Center, the college administration was able to get a clear picture of underlying issue and has decided to make drastic changes. Ultimately, the college has decreed that athletes are no longer allowed to use the fitness center. “It’s the athletes. The athletes are the problem. I mean, my god, do they even need to use it anyway? They’re already in shape!” exclaimed Zed Marks ‘17, who uses the fitness center three times per semester. Many athletes were outraged. However, as it turns out, many admins use the fitness...
  • A Message From The Arts

    Working on a production is like having a baby. You have to be really gutsy to decide to to decide to make one and the first few weeks are new and weird but exciting and fantastic. From there, everything happens really quickly. Every day is a first for something. Around a month in you start to feel nauseous quite often and your sleep begins to start suffering, but you’re still in it for the long haul and you’re happy about it. The last week before WKH¿QDOSURGXFWDSSHDUV tech week for theatre, is excruciating. You could not be more ready for this...
  • Grinnell Fight Club Comes Out Of The Shadows

    The Grinnell Fight Club has recently acquired the spotlight. However, this is NOT Grinnell’s first Fight Club. “First rule of fight club, don’t talk about fight club!” Jennings Cass ‘17 growled as they punched Lucy Harmon ‘19 in the jaw. “I thought that was obvious!” Indeed, Grinnell has had a fight club since 2013 when a group of intrepid students created a club to fight one another. “Apparently walking down the halls and randomly challenging students to fight is ‘weird’ and ‘violent.’” Harmon explained. “So a group of students secretly decided to start a Grinnell Fight Club. Only we didn’t...
  • President Kington Jumps Shark

    In what appears to be the latest in a string of bizarre PR gambits, President Raynard “RayK” Kington spent late Monday afternoon driving a motorcycle off a ramp to flip over the shark-infested waters of the Osgood Natatorium. Ray-K agreed to do this challenge in order to aid in celebration of the swim team’s successful season, as well as for all of its committed donations to the school. Said Dean of Student Affairs Francis Rones in a campus memo: “We thought that since President Kington has been receiving criticism over the decision not to divest from fossil fuels, the mishandling...
  • SGA Introduces New Campus Bikes Program To Replace Failed Campus Bikes Programs

    This Wednesday, SGA announced a new, revolutionary plan to provide students all students with access to mint-condition, yellow bicycles. The “Campus Bikes” program will be launched this spring after the failure of its predecessors, the “Campus Bikes” program, the “Campus Bikes” program, and the “Campus Bikes” program. The “Campus Bikes” program had fallen on hard times over the past two decades. Only ten years ago, it appeared as a prominent fixture in College admissions’ material as autumn leaves and “selfgovernance.” “I’m enthusiastic about the ‘Campus Bikes’ program,” said Senator Biggert Young ’20. “An idea as bold as this will bring...
  • Peace Rock Unearthed, An Era Of Darkness Descends

    BREAKING NEWS - On Thursday, McGough Construction unearthed the fabled Peace Rock, thus resurrecting the infamous College Scrap and ushering in a new era of darkness. Grinnell historian Wolfe Hogarth explained that The Scrap was “an ancient Grinnell ritual in which the campus was pit against itself to decide who was worthy of the mythic Grinnell Crown.” “According to the legends inscribed in the Burling Basement Bathrooms,” he continued, “the one who wins the crown controls the campus.” Hogarth explained that the scrap was a “bloodbath, driven by power-hungry, students, professors, and administrators, who would stop at nothing to get...
  • Disaster Strikes When Sunbathers Meet Landscapers

    Students enjoying the fair weather earlier this week did not fare well when they were ferociously attacked by riding lawnmowers while sunbathing on the grass. Thirteen students were taken to Grinnell Regional Medical Center and four shrubs to Earl May Garden Center The grim news came as a shock to the victims’ fellow students. Melony Fairiton ’17, a witness on the scene of the bloody affair, stated: “Looking back at all the spring afternoons I spent studying on Mac Field, or hammocking by East Campus, I was so ignorant of the dangers around me.” She recalled, “It’s a shame about...
  • Career vs. Support Networks

    Let’s face it, we are in the middle of bumfuck Iowa an hours driving from the nearest city, no public transportation, an airport that is an 2-3 layovers from most places, and a town that is hella small. I’d say that, with the exception of people born in Iowa, most people who have come Grinnell did so in a way that prioritized education and career over familial relationships and friend bases/support networks, and when coming here knew roughly 0-3 people in Grinnell. As a fourth year, I have a similar choice to face: start over in a new location, with...
  • They are Fracking Mac Field

    MAC FIELD - Students, faculty, and staff responded with outrage after leaked Board of Trustee minutes, emails, and video footage revealed that Grinnell College is using controversial hydraulic fracturing or “fracking” to extract oil and natural gas from beneath Mac Field. The leaked dossier, which appeared on Pioneerweb at 5am, contains over 200 pages of damning material related to the fracking project. Highlights include a map showing how the Grinnell fracking well would connect to the Dakota Access Pipeline, a memo from the Office of Investment claiming that Grinnell could double its endowment through the fracking project, and a recording...
  • Administration Rolls Out New Admitted Students Program

    Grinnell College has revamped its Admitted Students Weekend after student complained that the weekend portrays an over-idealized view of the college. “We decided to show admitted students our real college,” admissions director Cassidy Crane explained. “Warts and all!” The new Admitted Students Weekend (ASW) began with visitors dropping off their luggage in front of the dining hall, and then subsequently were divided into groups: the jocks, the hipsters, and the future supervillains of America. They then walked around campus, taking a tour through the best parts of campus, such as the remains of Mac Field and the construction in ARH...
  • Scarlet The Squirrell Is... Kind of Hot

    The reports are in, and it’s official: the Grinnell campus community thinks the college’s unofficial mascot, Scarlet the Squirrel, is kind of hot. Scarlet has been out and about this week for Scarlet and Give Back, giving some lucky students the rides of their lives and quenching their thirst in Spencer Grill… with root beer floats, that is. Indeed, the campus seems to be engorged with school spirit now that Scarlet is sauntering about. The Office of Fundraising recently released statistics that illustrate donations from current students are up exponentially since introducing Scarlet. “We really thought Scarlet the Squirrel would...
  • Students Embrace Indefinitely

    DINING HALL—30 minutes into last Sunday’s dinner—which marked the concurrent end of Spring Break and the upcoming doomed fate of the class of 2017 six weeks from now— Ari Plough ’19 and Lauren Lewis ’18 were spotted in the ice cream line, locked in an embrace made for the giving-card section of Wal-Mart, or perhaps even Hy-Vee. The two were allegedly still hugging it out even when the line cleared— lost in the euphoria of their platonic buddymance being reunited after a reported 2 weeks, 2 hours, 37 minutes, 7 seconds, 13.4 milliseconds and 9.8 killoseconds apart. “And 44.23 megaseconds,”...
  • Students Are Disgusting, Research Reports

    Norris 3rd Floor- Floor facility manager Gary Purdue has noticed a growing trend in the past 3 years: each year, he has had to replace the soap and toilet paper in the dorm bathrooms less often. “It’s really disheartening to see all these students walk around not caring about their health,” Purdue says. “And it’s also really disgusting.” In fact, this has been happening in dorms across campus, particularly on floors with higher concentrations of underclassmen. But not everyone is lamenting this lack of bathroom use. Carlton Blowes, facility manager for Loose 3rd, said, “It’s been nice not having to...
  • Students Incapable Of Taking Care Of Themselves During Break

    Grinnell’s extra long Spring break offers unique opportunities for students to return to their families for a home cooked meal or travel the globe to try exotic cuisines. Students who decide to stay on campus, however, are faced with the task of nourishing themselves as the Dhall closes its immaculate glass doors for the two-week duration. Some students were ripe for the challenge; “I hit up HyVee AND Walmart the Friday before break with my MasterCard and a printed Spring Break Ultimate Grocery List I found on Pinterest.” Sara Ruman ‘17 boasted, midflex. “This was my first break here at...
  • Alumni Hate Network

    In attempt to increase inclusivity on campus, the Grinnell College administration has unveiled a new social media platform, Plans First, which will unite current students with alumni who have engaged in blatant racism and harassment of students based on race, gender, or sexual orientation. “For all the talk about openness on this campus, there is not a real platform for people to spew their hateful rhetoric or engage in appalling acts” said the Dean of Students “This can make students feel insecure and unsafe. By connecting them with alums who have engaged in these acts and still found success post-Grinnell,...
  • CA Blazes It

    A rising number of community advisors are complaining that their floors have simply not bonded enough, the Department of Student Affairs reported. Attendance at programs that don’t offer food has been low, and many CA’s are frustrated by the lack of open doors on their floors. Some CAs have even resorted to knocking on individual doors and providing a list of friends on the floor for each resident. “First, we thought we could have a floor bonfire. Then we realized that would have a low attendance too! Instead, we decided to literally set our floors on fire,” said one CA...
  • Deigghdre Protests

    Deidra walked in the shade, taking care to avoid the bright luminescent sun that cradled its way across the sky. The protesters around her infuriated her: how could petty mortals ever hope to match the iridescent thoughts that nested inside the deep catacombs of a vampyres mind? She walked and walked, spinning her way through the crowd, until she saw who she was looking for: Percival Muckerfort the THIRD. The man who had betrayed her. The man who had taken the dark essence of her heart and sold it to some creep on Ebay. The man who had slept with...
  • RedBull Batalla De Gallos

    TLDR: I ponder the nature of Spanish rap battles, and if they should be censored due to their homophobia/misogyny/racism, or allowed to progress since Spain/Latin America aren’t the US and for the most part people aren’t as offended elsewhere, and it’d be an imposition of American “PC” ideals on non-American art. Bueno esto va a ser en español porque ha pasado mucho tiempo desde que he escrito algo en este idioma y quiero practicarlo. Disculpas adelantadas por las faltas de ortografía y gramática. Para los gringos que no entiendan español, esto no es para ustedes. Quizás el mensaje sí, pero...
  • Kington Abuses Room Draw

    Two weeks ago, the administration sent long-awaited room-draw numbers to students, but then quickly rescinded them, stating certain students’ numbers were changed because Presiding King said so. Creating a fair room-draw service is a complicated and lengthy process, a process administrators say Presiding King allegedly enjoys complicating. “After we’d sent the first room assignment email out, he ran into the room breathless, sweaty, and wearing that stupid fat suit and a Santa Clause costume, crying, “Wait, Wait! You guys forgot me again!” said Willina Chomp in an email. “Then, he had us work late into the night writing every student’s...
  • Kington Is A Scene Teen, Apparently

    NOLLEN HOUSE- The spirit of Teen Angst Harris touches every part of campus as students and faculty get wholeheartedly involved, and President Kington is no exception. Bob’s Open Mic got a special visit from the president on Thursday night. Bob’s employee Nathan Barcus reports, “He spent fourteen and a half minutes on stage doing what he called ‘original poetry’ but I’m pretty sure was just an entire chapter of Catcher in the Rye set to an instrumental version of The Real Slim Shady by Eminem. We have asked him not to return.” Jackson Semehan ‘18 said. Members of the administration...
  • SHACS Replaces Mental Health Personnell With Dogs

    SHACS - After students responded enthusiastically to a student initiative that established a permanent therapy dog on campus, Grinnell College announced they would be replacing all mental health personnel at Student Health and Counseling Services (SHACS) with therapy dogs. “It sounds unorthodox, but really it’s just common sense,” said Dean of Students Leigh Byrd. “Grinnell is committed to serving our students’ needs and responding promptly to their feedback. So if the student body approves an initiative to bring therapy dogs to campus, replacing all trained mental health professionals with dogs is a natural next step.” According to SHACS Director Anne...
  • Anatomical Heart Harris

    HARRIS – This Saturday marks the first ever Heart Harris, the beginning of a tradition anatomy themed weekend parties. Entirely by sheer coincidence, this week’s festivities align perfectly with the weekend after Valentine’s Day. Scheduling originally had the night of the 18th centered around the humble pancreas, but funding necessitated the switch to a more muscular organ. The event coordinator, Karen Borscht ‘18, is hopeful about the coming weeks, ensuring that “organ parties are totally in the mainstream, and we’re covering it all; Heart Harris, Duodenum Harris, Parathyroid Harris, it’s going to be sick/ill!” It appears that some members of...
  • DB Introduces Superlike Feature For $6.99/Mo.

    JRC - The Grinnell College student database, affectionately referred to as DB, is taking strides to make its app more user friendly. The newest update will allow students to slide another user’s profile picture to the left if they want to make a connection or to the right if said user is an uggo. “I’m most excited about the ‘superlike’ feature” adds Supervisor of Application Development, Ted Bernard, “It allows you to hit a button and let someone know that you are more than interested in them. It’s like dedicating a Shakespearian sonnet to the object of your admiration but...
  • Babby’s First Editorial

    OKAY SOMEONE HAS TO SAY IT: We All Take Enormous Advantage Of The Comfort Of Grinnell’s Queer Bubble. I often find myself complaining about queer issues on campus and nitpicking every social situation to death, because I forget just exactly how lucky I am to be a queer person and have a space like Grinnell College. The easiest place to be reminded of this privilege is home. I am from a largely progressive, liberal New York suburb, so I can’t even claim to be a queer person from an oppressive conservative small town. Despite my hometown’s claim to liberalism, the...
  • Where does Grinnell Get Her Funds?

    BREAKING. Recent student action at No-Lend House and around campus has pressured President RayKay to approach the Board of Trustees about divesting from fossil fuel companies. We asked the trustees how they contribute to Grinnell’s endowment. Losh Eastward ’04, who never got out of Grinnell despite having big dreams of becoming a writer, and now oversees a private project for RayKay, said, “Oh, it’s a modest graft alright; I like to call it ‘Pen-Rose.’ I jog around Grinnell town stealing people’s pens and roses, and sell them back at the Saturday Farmers market. My customers are so bewildered….old and bewildered—it’s...
  • Kington Occupies Gates Tower In Protest of Student Protests

    MAC FIELD - In the early hours of an otherwise typical morning, North Campus students awoke to a big surprise. A giant 100-foot banner decorated with the words “FUCK OFF” stitched in a vertical elegance, hung from the top of Gates Tower to the ground. From the highest window of the tower stood President President “Otherwise Limits” Kington, MD, PhD, HTTP, wielding a megaphone. “THAT’S RIGHT, THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE,” he shouted, the sound waves reverberating throughout the entire 120 acres of campus and tearing down some antifa posters in their wake. Students covered their ears as they...
  • Postering Intensifies

    LOGGIA - Another week, another set of posters; however, this set of posters has proven to be even more passive-aggressive than last week. “All Anti-Fascists are Coddled Hippies,” one poster with a picture of a crossed-out hippie sits right above the “We Hate Puppies” club sign. Both posters are a symbol of the changing times as students must decide. “We put our free cupcake sign up at 7:00 AM other day,” said Cady Kemer ‘20. “By the end of breakfast, it was covered by posters condemning the new Babies Are Just Smaller People Club It’s wild.” “It’s been difficult. I...
  • Meet Me In The Pit

    Hoo boy. Where to start? I can say that writing current events for Pub Quiz this week was real easy. I’ve been hearing a lot of “meet in the middle” / “bridge the gap” talk lately (at the Posse Plus Retreat and in general). Calls to be compassionate, specifically to those who support Trump’s administration (is there a better way to put it?) I hear about the Middle Ground but jeez. What do you even mean? I suppose I can only speak for myself but I think I’ve been in The Middle. How much deeper am I expected to go,...
  • Film Incorporated Into Most Departments

    This past Thursday, the Computer Science and Mathematics departments hosted a free Thursday night midnight screening of the film Hidden Figures for students. “It was buckets of fun,” said Cassie Cejan ‘19. “Me and my suitor went together. We’d just gotten back from break and it was like we didn’t have to go back to class right away.” Many professors even canceled class the day following the film. Students all reported feeling well-rested after the movie, as if break had not ended. Several are still exhausted, if not hungover, from winter break. Cinematic inspiration has struck other professors as well....
  • Mysterious ARH Excavation Proceeds As Planned

    ARH’S CORPSE - Construction is in full swing at the ARH-Carnegie construction site. By 2020, the college hopes to open the new Human-Student School for the Cosmos (HSSC). “Yeah—what’s going on here, exactly?” said [human] student Amy Ablestein ’20. “I heard the project cost twenty million dollars, but it’s been a whole semester, and so far all the construction workers have done is dig up the grass and play with giant Legos. I think something else might be going on inside.” Marabel Turquoise [human], the architect commissioned to design the HSSC, is overseeing the project. While he is not on-site,...
  • Grinnell Proclaims New Year, New Me

    JRC - Even with the New Year having begun just a little over a month ago, Grinnellians all over campus are still proclaiming “New Year, New Me!” while looking to achieve their new year’s resolutions. While some Grinnellians are pursuing the usual goals like flossing more frequently, maintaining a workout routine, not spending all your money from dining hall shifts at Kum & Go, getting better at pretending to get lost in Noyce as to not seem old and jaded, and to break the habit of boofing natty lights, others have their own unique resolutions. Kaley Chung ‘18 is trying...
  • Grinnell Seniors Slowly Disappearing

    MAC FIELD - As the spring semester began, many students are reporting strange occurrences regarding the presence of fourth years in the material plane. “It was as though…people I knew suddenly took on a ghostly presence. I mean, the seniors I knew were pale, but, like, not this pale,” mused second year Jamie Tyler. In fact, many other students are reporting the gradual disappearance of the seniors as they begin their last semester. “We actually see this phenomenon quite a bit in a senior’s last semester,” stated economics professors Janet Brown. “Usually the senior will gradually fade from the physical...
  • What Would You Do With All This Wood?

    JRC- Melanie Gardner ‘18 waits patiently among the hoards of students lining the first floor of the JRC. Each of them eagerly waiting for their shot at handcrafting a pair of chopsticks made from the finest wood Grinnell College has to offer. Grinnellians lost two beloved campus trees due to the erection of the massive new humanities building. “It’s a shame they had to cut down those trees, but I’m glad they are repurposing the wood.” said Gardner. Students toward the end of the line lounge comfortably in sleeping bags and hammocks. “Yeah man, I’ve been here since 4:30p.m.” said...
  • Softball Team Discovers The Power Of Bats

    As most of the Grinnell student body already knows, Clark Hall has been a victim of a wild unprecented infestation of bats this semester. This past weekend, third baseman for the Pioneer Softball team, Layla Boris ‘18, had the misfortune of opening her door to find a bat in her room. This bat was unlike any of the others that have previously been found haunting Clark. It was docile and remained still until Layla ventured to pick it up. Boris decided to keep it and name it Bubba. Boris admits to having ‘abolutely no frikking idea’ on how to take...
  • Deidre on the Run from the Law

    Deirde paused… gasping for breath. She had forgotten that she no longer needed to breath due to her vampyreic nature. She knew she must keep running, for she could not stop. Deerri was on the run from the law. Of course, she thought, as a cool breeze of the Night threaded through the air, she was not truly guilty of the crime. Dar Dar Binks had been guilty of many things, thought that was far in her past, when she was merely a vampyre and not yet a vampyre killing vampyre. But this, thought the lithe eternal teen, was different....
  • Football Team Tackles Senator Elections

    ROSENBLOOM FIELD – Head football coach Bill Smith recently announced that all thirtyfour players are now required to run for the SGA Senate Smith stated, “My idea is a great idea. Most students don’t even know we have a football team, so this is about the closest I can get to recruiting. But don’t tell the NCAA I said that.” Smith also hopes the campaign will bridge the gap between athletes and non-athletes, or as non-athletic Grinnellians call them, “sport ball players and us.” The primary logistical concern is that every single football player lives on North campus, so it...
  • College Responds to Princeton Review Rankings

    The Princeton Review recently released its college rankings, and once again, Grinnell is on top. The college ranks 6th in LGBTQ-friendly, 7th in best athletic facilities, 8th in most liberal students, and 1067th on administration transparency. However, one area has given officials pause. The college is ranked 6th in “Students who Study Hard,”, being beaten by West Point, Amherst and Harvey Mudd, among other schools. This will not do, say school officials. “Once we saw that we were only sixth, we were shocked! If Grinnell students have time for extra activities, then we’ve failed as an institution!” Lern explained. “So...
  • Grinnell College Unveals New Prospie Plans

    Now that prospective student season is approaching, Grinnell College is unveiling a set of new guidelines and activities to enhance the “Prospie Experience.” “For the last couple of days, the administrative staff has been extremely busy with preparations,” said Admission Representation Tara Fey. “We’ve created a comprehensive list of what the student body, including prospies, can and should expect in the upcoming weeks. Admissions and Prospective Student Affairs have tried all sorts of methods to try to prevent dangerous behavior. These new programs are meant to “condition both prospective and new students so that we can avoid future problems,” explained...
  • Week Brings Alternative Weekends to Campus

    Recently, a new student group has started on campus in response to anger about weekend life on Grinnell’s campus. “It’s just too damn fun,” stated Rohan Mathews ‘17. “I don’t feel like I get enough consistency between the week and the weekend. The whole work hard, party hard, work hard, party hard…. honestly it’s exhausting. I’d rather just take a breather and work hard all the time. Of course, I brought the issue up to SGA to try and resolve this enormous need on campus.” To further the controversy, some have accused SGA of attempting to make days of the...
  • Bronze Age NSO Site Unearthed

    Grinnell, Saturday, August 27 - Returning Grinnell College students were surprised to find that their once-beloved bookstore has seemingly disappeared. The recent move of the Pioneer Bookshop has prompted a great number of mixed reactions among students. A multitude of students were apparently confused by the vague directions given by the bookstore staff, stating that the new bookstore is “only a block away from McNally’s.” Susanne Schuster ‘18 explained her frustration with the lack of clarity in the bookstore’s new location: “I followed the instructions and walked a block away from McNally’s to go to the new bookstore. I ended...
  • Bronze Age NSO Site Unearthed

    JOE ROSENFIELD ’25 CENTER – This past Saturday, the College Anthropology Department unearthed several skeletons dated to the Bronze Age. The specimens, still wear ing rudimentary rucksacks and assuming a standing position, may prove to be an illuminating finding about Grinnell’s little-known past. “The erect posture exhibited by the students, the ingots found in their hands, their apparent ages, and their location on 8th Avenue suggests they may have been waiting for the shuttle to Wal-Mart during New Student Orientation. Their emaciated frames indicate they likely starved to death doing so.” analyzed Professor Kathryn Carter. “That would explain the lanyards...
  • Fix Our Computers, Also Frustration

    It’s time for the first editorial of my 4th year! Too bad there’s nothing to talk about. Just kidding, that was a joke (get it??? a joke!!). There’s a lot happening on campus, from alcohol agreements to walkthroughs to snazzy new campus SAFETY uniforms, aka black polos and khakis. It lends itself well to fellow editor Nina’s proposed replacement for Fetish Harris: Security Harris, in which we all don black polos and khakis, stand right outside Harris, and stare in through the windows for 3 hours For the most part, I don’t have much to add to the discourse on...
  • Number 10 Banned

    Joe Rosenfield ‘25 Center - In recent months, the college administration has given consideration to the efforts to enhance student well-being and personal success. After months of brainstorming and workshopping, the administration has ultimately decided to ban the number 10 on campus. The decision, administrator Georgina Rover explained, was made to protect the safety of all students. “We’d like to give more options to those on campus who chose not to acknowledge the number 10, participate in 10-related events, or perhaps just prefer other numbers. It’s important to be inclusive and respectful of all students regarding their choice whether or...
  • Student Affairs Plant Withers

    JRC - Grinnell may be in the midst of summer outside, but inside the Student Affairs office the plants are withering inexplicably. Said Student Affairs administrative Assistant Jill Farnes, “Student Affairs prides itself on accepting plants from a wide range of backgrounds, from succulents to miniature trees. These plants contribute to a diverse office ecosystem, and look great when they’re smiling on the front of recruitment magazines. Yet lately, more and more plants are withering, drooping, or displaying other unappealing traits, and it’s getting to be an inconvenience for the office.” Jane Choi, an employee with Residence Life, expressed dismay...
  • Strained Student-To-Booze Relationship

    Conference Rooms Everywhere - Only a week into the 2016-17 school year, and there are already complaints regarding the newly instituted Alcohol Policy changes—but not from the students. According to a survey designed by Mathematics and Statistics professor Samantha Herman), over 98% of Grinnell students are in favor of the changes, but only 2% of the alcohol are complying with the Agreements. “My friends and I had our paperwork turned it in by Wednesday night to host a party on Friday, but the alcohol never showed up, so everyone left” said Paula Vasilyev ’17. “We think that the administration bribed...
  • Temper Tantrum Thrown at Town Hall

    JRC - Earlier this week, what started out as a peaceful town hall to discuss the new Alcohol Policy quickly spiraled into chaos as President Ray Kingler was confronted with increasingly uncomfortable and difficult questions on his new substance policies, prompting Kingler to purportedly ‘lose it’. Designed as a venue to express his rationale for the controversial changes, Kingler seemed quite at ease at the beginning of the session, answering innocuous questions with the speed of a charging emu. Some alleged that you could even see him smirk when asked “Wait, if there’s no self gov, can I not just...
  • Alice Ignites Intellectual Curiosity

    CLEVE BEACH, 4:20 P.M. - A class of second and third graders from Grinnell were surprised to find that Grinnell College’s Ignite program offered a special topics class taught by college students partaking in the Alice party. “Today was the best class ever!” said seven year old Tony Rodriguez. “I learned about space!” Ignite head coordinator Lauren Teckie elaborated on how this came about. “We were forced to cancel painting, our most popular class, last minute. I then happened to see a group of students drawing with chalk on the south campus patio. I asked them if they’d share with...
  • Beer CAFOs to be Phased Out

    CHARLES BENSON BEAR CENTER - Recently, the Grinnell College Athletics Department announced that they will slowly be phasing out the Beer CAFO programs and will allow athletes to consume substances other than alcohol. Beer CAFOs, or Concentrated Athlete Feeding Operations that utilize beer and other forms of alcohol, have been a mainstay on Grinnell College; however, huge backlash from the campus community has worn the administration down. “The most well-known Beer CAFO on campus is probably the Tennis House,” explained Beer CAFO activist Shannon Chi ’16. “You can always hear them shrieking and whimpering from inside the building . ....
  • Deirdrgre Finds a Job...

    Dierdre felt an icy chill of dread infuse her gut, turning her already deathly cold skin even colder. For Diere had realized that she would have to find a job. And though Dieder had many skills due to her unique abilities and the challenging experiences she had undergone, these would not prepare her. For Deedee’s entire life had been centered around Vampyre Slayer, which was her one true Calling, passed down through generations of her family. Even when this slight and frail looking yet icely beautiful girl had been turned into a vampyre by her former Lover, she continued to...
  • welp

    I know that I come off as the person on campus who always has something to laugh about, but Grinnell has never been an easy place for me to exist. If I had to sum up these past four years in brief, I would say it has been a winning battle. Not the kind that makes you pump your fist in triumph, but the kind that drains all of your energy so that by the time you’re done all you want to do is sleep for a month. In my first year I was plagued constantly with the idea that...
  • Fruit Roll-Up Wreaks Havoc

    DINING HALL- Last Wednesday, a Blastin’ Berry Fruit Roll-Up ™ was discovered in one of the brand-new stainless steel refrigerators located in the southeast corner of the Dining Hall. Moments later, madness ensued as students fought, tooth-and-nail, for the glory of being crowned the rightful owner of the roll-up. The original discoverer of the roll-up is reportedly Lou Turner ’19. At the time of the unexpected finding, Turner was allegedly gathering provisions from the new refrigerators as his allergies to eggs, milk, soy, dairy, meat, legumes, grains, nuts, oils, tubers, fungi, amino acids, leaves and molecules prevent consumption of every...
  • 2016 Olympics Relocate to Grinnell

    CHARLES BENSON BEAR CENTER - In an effort to liven up the summer for students staying in Grinnell, the college has announced that the 2016 Summer Olympics will move from Rio de Janeiro to Grinnell. Upon political turmoil and unfinished construction in Brazil, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) approved a last minute plan to move the games to the heart of America. Bill Peterson, President of the IOC, said, “Grinnell is a natural fit. The United States hasn’t hosted an Olympics in a while anyways, so this move makes complete sense.” Comparing this relocation to the purchase of the golf...
  • Self-Gov Crashes Own Funeral

    JRC 101- Friday May 6 – A surprise guest at the ‘Funeral for Self-Gov?????’ put the ? in ‘?????’ Last Friday, a group of students gathered to mourn the passing of Self-Gov and recount memories of its life. Complete with sparkling cider, brownie cookies, sparkling cider, and some lovely eulogies, the funeral was held in the JRC. The event was attended by students, professors, and members of the community. Perhaps the most interesting guest, however, was Self-Gov itself. According to attendees, Self-Gov exclaimed, “I, Self-Gov, am alive and well!”, as they clawed their way out of a flower strewn grave,...
  • Dining Hall - Chairity or Chairspiracy?

    D-HALL - Ten chairs were lined up in the DHall last week in size order from shortest to tallest. Their names include: “Fiesta Chairs, Chair O’Brian, Chairy Pie, Chairing is Caring, Gooey Butter Cushion and BBQ Pulled Chairs.” President R. King poured over a catalogue of over 918 designer chairs that encompassed styles from over 16 countries. Then, he went on a world tour to personally select the very best. “I call this collection, La Posture de la Derriere, or, The Posture of the Butt. I subscribe to a school of thought that grew out of Plato’s problem of ‘chairness’....
  • The Grinnell Guide to Effectively Surprising the Student Body

    I deeply respect and appreciate the work, talent, and heart that went into this semester’s Drag Show, as well as those of previous semesters. However, it’s seemed to me lately that it has strayed from its original purpose. I came to Grinnell as a straight, cisgender individual with no concept of queerness, and the Drag Show that I attended in my first semester blew me away with its positive energy. Yet now, as a definitely-not-straight person trending toward genderqueer (lol just came out), I can’t help but be disappointed by some of the acts. Again, there are a lot of...
  • Lord of the Rooms

    As the 2015-2016 academic year draws to a close, room draw has occurred once again. Last week, hundreds of students filed into Harris to choose their rooms. Some clung tightly to their soulmate best friend soonto-be roommate while others glanced nervously at the forced roommate next to them wondering feverishly about sleeping habits, sexiling frequencies, and latent hostility. Some students with previous room draw experience came in with more confidence but, unexpectedly, Residence Life decided to implement new policies for 2016. Grace Tern, Residence Life Coordinator, said, “We wanted to bring more of the liberal arts into the process, and...
  • Prom Attendance Mandatory for Graduation

    Effective next year, Grinnell College students will be required to attend the Grinnell High School Prom in order to graduate on time. The announcement came via a campus wide e-mail from the registrar which read: “Starting with the class of 2017, all students must be asked to prom by a Grinnell Tiger and attend both the Prom and the sub-free After Prom.” The e-mail goes on to detail specific requirements, such as requiring academic advisors to approve your pre-prom schedule on WebAdvisor, a minimum of 50 prom photos of which only a maximum of 20 can be selfies, and receipts...
  • Democracy Shines on SEPC Elections

    AMERICA – Spring in Grinnell can mean one thing and one thing only – election season. As allergies emerge, so do broken promises and political rivalries. Each department elects its Student Educational Policy Committee (SEPC), consisting of third- and fourth-years who pad their resumes by winning a popularity contest. Barb Erikson, Professor of Education, raves that the “SEPC offers a great opportunity for students to get stressed and be judged by their peers. Isn’t that what school is all about?” Erikson’s advice for candidates is to suck up to their peers and harass them on Facebook. Currently leading the Biology...
  • Students Fight for Right to be Stupid and Irresponsible

    COWLES - After students taped bags full of broken glass to dorm windows across campus, residence life requested that the bags be removed, as the bags of broken glass did not create an image of the community that the College wants to convey. Also, it’s illegal to possess broken glass in the state of Iowa. Many Grinnell students have become outraged at this recent forced removal. “We’re angry,” huffed an anonymous third year. “Obviously, it’s time to start protesting.” Students across campus seem to agree with this statement, as many have been organizing protests to advocate for their right to...
  • Task Force Task Force

    This semester, as one of many new initiative, Grinnell has decided to establish a Meta Task Force. “We figured that after establishing the Security Task Force, the Task Force on Residential Learning, and the Global Grinnell Task Force, a Meta Task Force was the way to go,” Siobhan Sharpe, head of Task Force Organization, explained to a group of students. “The propagation of tasks forces has become a phenomena in and of itself, and as such we need to thoughtfully evaluate and regulate it.” The Meta Task Force’s duty is to question why task forces are needed. This task force...
  • Admissions to Consider Literally Every Student, Reject All

    JCC - In an effort to streamline the admissions process, Grinnell College has announced plans to automatically consider all high school seniors worldwide. Previous steps to ease the process, including removing both the application fee and the supplemental essay, failed to make as much of a difference as Grinnell had expected. The college believes that the common application is much too complicated. Instead, the college will begin collecting letters of recommendation, grade point averages, and transcripts from every high school senior in the world. Edward Lee, Vice President for Enrollment, elaborated on the scheme, claiming that this plan “finally allows...
  • Anonymous Donor Seeks Recognition

    Grinnell College - As part of “I Heart GC Week”, Grinnell College received a generous one million dollar donation from an anonymous donor. According to the Student Alumni Council, the donation, which was left in a battered envelope under the welcome mat on the front step of Ray Kay’s home, was accompanied by a letter explaining that the donation should be used to benefit the students of the college and that an expression of thanks towards the donor would be absolutely unnecessary. Despite this desire for a lack of thanks, the donor appears to have changed their tone. On Tuesday...
  • The Grinnell Guide to Effectively Surprising the Student Body

    You may or may not (if you refrain from email, social media, and casual conversation) have heard that Grinnell College is ending its relationship with the Posse Foundation. This editorial is not about whether or not Grinnell should have cancelled Posse. In large part, this is because whether or not I agree or disagree with Grinnell’s arguments for ending Posse, I have no faith that the arguments relayed to students in any way reflect the concerns of administrators. In addition, I do not think I will ever know what will happen to the resources previously used for Posse, whether or...
  • Grinnell College Rushes Towards Greek System

    After receiving concerns regarding the new, position of Community Advisors and its potential for undermining self-gov, the Administration—with the aim of reinforcing self-gov—decided to institute a new Greek system on campus. Sororities and fraternities are making their way to the Jewel of the Prairie. Assistant Directing Supervisor of Residence Life Thomas Jenning said, “The first annual Room Rush, formerly known as Room Draw, will take place in Harris on April 24th. We were thinking of holding it this Sunday, but we decided that might be slightly too little notice. We’ve instituted this change in order to give students more arbitrary...
  • Kington Starts Kickstarter for Administrative Transparency

    In response to campus-wide outcry for greater transparency from the Grinnell College administration, President Raynard Kington has turned to Kickstarter, a crowdsourcing platform that helps creators reach a community of financial and social backers. Giving money to a Kickstarter will unlock different rewards for the backers, while the total amount of funds collected will unlock “stretch goals,” additions to campaign as a whole. “Using Kickstarter,” Kington explained, “we can gauge how interested the campus is in transparency [through their financial contributions] and respond accordingly.” Kington and his team are confident that Kickstarter is the best way to address student concerns...
  • Prospie Matchmaking Service Established

    Grinnell College has a new approach to encouraging student enrollment. And this approach begins over admitted student weekend. “It’s well known that about 80% of Grinnellians marry each other,” Staci Charmeuse, head of admission decisions, explained as she handed out lanyards to students at Admitted Student Weekend. “For all you know, you could be standing beside your future spouse. And the only way they’ll be your spouse is if you both attend Grinnell.” The Admissions Department has reimagined many of their typical Admitted Student Activities with love in mind. “We paired prospective students in tour groups based on similar admissions...
  • Phonathon Employs New Strategies and Incentives

    OLD GLOVE FACTORY-During Heart GC week, the dedicated people at Phonathon held a fundraising blitz. Because Heart GC week is usually such a big deal among Grinnell students, Phonathon has adapted its targets and its calling script, as well as the work culture to student’s financial situations. “You know, I never really got how big of a deal Heart GC week was until Phonathon called me at 3:29AM asking for ten thousand dollars in an English accent,” said Terry Shanglebacker ’17. Phonathon donors expressed that they felt awkward being asked by their fellow students for money. “We’re mixing up our...
  • NCAA Descends Upon Campus

    LITERALLY EVERYWHERE - They arrived last weekend. From across the nation, NCAA D-III Track and Field Championship athletes converged upon the Grinnell College campus. Though they were welcomed with open arms, nobody could have anticipated the damage they would inflict. Like locusts emerging from a seventeen-year slumber, they emerged sleepily from coach buses, blinking languidly in the weak slanting rays of March sunlight. Their eyes, red and beady, surveyed the landscape, taking in the manicured lawns and pristine edifices of campus. On spindly legs barely able to support their body weight, they began to advance like a puddle around a...
  • The Deighdre Saga - Deighdre Goes To Miami

    Deierdre spun in the warm, ocean mist scented breeze and adjusted her blood red sunhat, adorned with black roses she picked from her garden, and her Victorian gothic sundress fluttered as she looked with disdain at the college beachgoers. “Ugh,” Degired groaned. “I hate the beach.” Dreighdre hated the beach. But most of all, she hated the preps. She wanted to throw up. She didn’t even know why she was in Miami with all of these preps, but she knew she had to be here. The breeze picked up and as a wave crashed in the ocean, memories crashed upon...
  • Dibble Residents Seek Refuge After Flood

    DIBBLE–After Dibble residents were forced out of their dorm by a flood early Saturday morning, they received a harsh welcome from the rest of campus. According to eyewitness accounts, the Dibble refugees, many of whom had only the presence of mind to grab backpacks, game systems, or blankets from their rooms, first attempted to find shelter in surrounding dorms like Clark, Cowles, and, in their confused state, Norris. Although a few students were initially allowed into surrounding dorms, all three dorms quickly blocked their entrances. Said Emma Jackson 18’, a Clark SA, “While I do believe I have a responsibility...
  • Like for Facebook Discussions

    The term “Discussion on facebook” is in itself an oxymoron, because that implies that a discussion can be had on Facebook. Here I am defining discussion to be “constructive dialogue where people interchange ideas in a peaceful way”. If instead discussion is defined to be “bunch of people angrily trying to impose their holier than thou attitude on strangers on the internet for the purpose of gaining attention from people in their facebook feed saying ‘ooh look at me i’m so awesome because I can use logical fallacies and misinterpret my opponents argument to the extreme to make them look...
  • A Letter From The Grill(e) Freezer

    Yeah yeah yeah, it’s me. Adam Silverman, yadda yadda yadda, no introduction necessary. Everybody knows me. I’m Grinnell College’s favorite grill freezer. In case you haven’t noticed, I am currently on strike and have not been working for over a week. You know what that means: No more of your precious mozz stix, french fries, or for you fancy pants out there, black bean quesadillas. You’ll have to stick to your not so big cookies and iced chais. I am so sorry for your tragic loss, truly. Whatever will you do without my glorified frozen “food” made out of “real”...
  • March 2016 Science Bulletin

    Nature: Interdisciplinary study conducted by Pennsylvania State, Harvard, and Texas A&M concludes that all humans suck. Follow up study concludes that dolphins suck as much as if not 1.2 to 1.5 times more. Journal of the American Medical Association: Meta-analysis concludes that Web MD diagnoses conditions more effectively than physicians in 25% of cases. Watching House was found to have a statistically insignificant effect. Watching Grey’s Anatomy may be a slight cancer risk, though further research is recommended. Annual Review of Astronomy and Astrophysics: Preliminary results suggest it may be possible to surf Gravitational Waves if you had a hypothetical...
  • Spring Officially Breaks

    With the all-too-terrible, inevitable arrival of Daylight Savings time change came another, even more drastic event. Last Sunday, the season of Spring had a breakdown. Currently, Spring is being treated by SHACS, who released a Campus Memo on Wednesday stating that Spring is in “critical condition.” According to experts, Spring had been showing signs of malfunction for quite some time leading up to the incident. “This event hasn’t exactly been unanticipated, considering global warming and all . . .it was only a matter of time before Spring collapsed,” lamented a grim Facilities Management staff member Izz Gone. “All the signs...
  • 100 Days Party Takes a New Turn

    ELK LODGE - A tradition long cherished by fourth-years, 100 Days was held last weekend, at the Elk Lodge. Although the night is known for its promiscuity, copious alcohol and fun, students seemed to let loose in a different fashion this year. “Just arrived at 100 Days!” Macy MacCreedy ’16 exclaimed as she snapped a photo of herself standing outside of the lodge in a formal dress. “Looks like it’s time to post a snap! Hashtag so cute, hashtag what fun, hashtag 100 days!” Other students partook in the massive social media outpouring. Many were taking photos of the food,...
  • HAIR//CUTS

    CAMPUS - We’ve all been on campus for a long time and you know what that means! It means that we all look really gross right now! At least I know I do! Hahahaha, I really need a haircut! My hair gets in my eyes and when I roll over in bed I can hear it crackling with static and it hurts to breathe sometimes and it’s really hard to comb! I know a lot of us have this problem so fear not, we’ve tested every hair cut option available to us right here in Grinnell!! First up is a...
  • SHACS Outsources to Massage Chair

    WELLNESS LOUNGE - After many students raised issues with the current healthcare available at SHACS, the administration has found several new solutions. According to RayKay, the most important edition to SHACS is the new massage chair in the Wellness Lounge. “All of our problems have been fixed,” said the singular SHACS nurse. “With the introduction of the new massage chair, SHACS no longer needs to worry about addressing any of the students’ concerns or needs ever again!” The new massage chair has more capabilities than a typical massage chair as well. There are two remotes: one for a massage, and...
  • Senior Ex-Athletes Struggle

    THE BEAR - Senior athletes who have completed their final seasons are finding that once they leave the comfortable sweat-soaked cocoon, there’s no going back. The symptoms of athletic withdrawal can be devastating. Sarah Lopez, a former cross-country runner, bemoaned, “I feel so lonely and isolated without my team all around me. We always used to finish each other’s…” Here she paused, but nobody chimed in. Harry Cho, formerly of the men’s soccer team, also experiences difficulty with the separation. “Yesterday I went to the Bear to work out to forget my sadness, and it worked at first, but as...
  • What Are You Doing After Graduation?

    Well, nobody said it would be easy, but here I am, watching Gmail in real time in the hope that one of my prospective employers will contact me, muttering “Please employ me please employ me please employ me please employ me” out loud and furiously chewing over-salted roasted pumpkin seeds, the husks sticking between my teeth to become tasty morsels for later. My reaction to “What are you doing after graduation?” has evolved from fear, to general annoyance, to wanting to throw my computer at a tile floor, to hysterical laughter, to fabricating stories about working as a double agent...
  • Security Officer Struggles with Local Time-Space Distortion

    CORNER OF EAST STREET AND 10th - The Grinnell College Security Office has been plagued by interesting weather phenomenon and appearances of mutant animals and discarded Outtake boxes. The cause of this, researchers have found, is a hole in the time-space continuum manifesting as a time vortex appeared a few feet above the roof. This has caused a local time distortion, leading time near the security office to run more slowly than time in the surrounding area. According to staff, this is not a new feature, Officer Brad Tucker said, “We’ve actually had a very tiny vortex for as long...
  • Trustees Visit Campus for Networking Opportunity

    JRC 101 - Last week, the club—that is, the club of Grinnell College Trustees—went up on a Thursday as a van full of (what else?) Grinnell College Trustees rolled up to the JRC. They arrived right on time for a Last week, the Grinnell College Club of Trustees was treated to a weekend of networking with current students, the first event of the 3-day-long career-oriented fieldtrip at Grinnell. The networking evening was specifically designed with the aim of introducing Trustees to a wide variety of students with all majors and backgrounds, thus better preparing the Trustees for the professional world....
  • Grinnellians Mourn Caucus Season

    HARRIS - The recent caucuses on February 2nd had huge student turnout—over nine hundred people were present at Harris Center alone. However, now that the caucuses are over, many students have reported a descent into ennui. “I just couldn’t bring myself to care about current events when I realized that I would not get to see any presidential candidates today,” stated Mary Jammer ‘19 as she slowly shredded the Grinnell Herald-Register. “My Docs are still covered in the dust left behind when the campaign buses hightailed out of here, and I don’t want to wipe off those memories.” The campus...
  • OCS - Reaching for the Stars

    KUIPER BELT - The College has recently introduced a brand-new Off Campus Study opportunity available starting Fall 2016: Grinnell-In-Space. The first of its kind, GIS aims to expose participants to the harsh realities of the universe while they take rigorous, engaging courses in nearly any subject. Open to any and all majors, the GIS curriculum includes intriguing offerings such as Black Hole Postmodernism, Planetary Analysis, Introduction to Gravity, How to Moonwalk, Cosmopolitan Societies, and Caring For Your Vacuum 101. “I’ve already been everywhere on Earth either in person or on Pinterest, so Grinnell-In-Space seemed like a perfect fit,” gushes future...
  • Merger Creates Grinnell College Country and Golf Club

    NORTH OF THE BEAR - Last week, an email was sent to the stu- dent body announcing that the Board of Trustees of Grinnell College signed a deal purchasing the Grin- nell Country and Golf Club. The new purchase officially merges the two institutions into The Grin- nell College Country and Golf Club, GCCGC. As soon as the new contract is signed, all students will officially become mem- bers of the Club College. The new college will be officially christened on June 1st at Arbor Lake. The contract will put into a place four new majors and two new concentra-...
  • Sensitivity In Politics

    I first heard that Antonin Scalia had died when I was walking down a South Campus hallway and read “OMG Scalia dead!” written a whiteboard outside a dorm. While this is notably the first and likely the last time I will have gained useful information from the odd flashes of decorating motivation Grinnellians sometimes have, the very public, and very exclamatory message, did not sit well with me. After confirming the news, I truly believed that there would be at least a day of politicians and media taking a moment to let the facts sink in, and maybe release some...
  • gHarmony a Raging Success

    Ever since the disbandment of Chainz, a Grinnell tradition, many students faced a quandary. “I depend on Chainz to find any and all hookups,” Tyrone Wells ’16 explained. “For the past three years, I’ve waited outside for girls to leave Chainz disappointed with their match. And then I’d flirt with them!” However, with the dissolution of Chainz came a new opportunity: gHarmony. “We thought it might be more fun for the students to get pick each other, because college students always make great decisions,” gHarmony creator Gabriela Munoz ‘16 explained as they sifted through the three applications the organization eventually...
  • College Plans Zone of Effluence

    MIKE’S BIG SHOWER - To kick-start Grinnell College’s “zone of confluence” initiative, President Rayofsun recently announced the new plan to move all of the college’s bathrooms into town to “foster more student engagement with the community.” “I’m honored to develop the relationship our regal institution has with its townspeople!” he said while walking down Main Street with his shower caddy and Selsun Blue in one hand and his towel in the other. “What better way to pop the Grinnell bubble than by showering with your neighbor?” The zone of confluence is Grinnell’s attempt to blur the lines between the college...
  • Self-Gov Eaters

    CAMPUS-The Grinnell College administration is under fire after rumors surfaced about they have been invoking dark powers to silence any mention of self governance. The information came out in the form of an online statement made by an anonymous author who claims to be a member of the Grinnell college administration. Among the information leaked is a list of contacts and messages between administration members and entities the source identified as “evil archvillains” such as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Sauron, House Lannister, and George W. Bush. The source discloses that tactics have been implemented, such as sending “Self-Gov Eaters” to track down anyone...
  • CA's become PA's

    GRINNELL COLLEGE - The Grinnell College administration has changed the position of Student Advisor to Community Advisor, enacting changes in the Student Advisor handbook to reflect this. However, after much debate, the College has realized that these students are not assuming enough responsibility. “We think that our students could be doing more to support and serve the community,” stated one unnamed administrative official. “It will lead to a stronger Grinnell, and we also want to give our students as many leadership opportunities as possible. That’s why we’ve expanded the position to include the entirety of Poweshiek County.” Therefore, Student Affairs...
  • IT'S A ME

    Guess who’s back?! It’s me, your friendly neighborhood quizmaster and B&S editor. Shout out to the rest of the B&Crew for doing a great job last semester. They’re beautiful people. I was abroad in South Africa, bouncing between national parks with 16 other students, having a blast, conducting Science as an English major, etc. It was incredible, and admittedly I shed quite a few tears while parting with the friends I made. Luckily I pulled it together in time to be declared an undesirable for a year but fell apart again and cried into my airline chicken. Other ~cool~ things...
  • Grinnell Caucuses for Self-Gov

    Hundreds of students, faculty, staff, and community members eagerly gathered to participate in the democratic caucuses, but ended the night by leaving both the Democratic Party and the United States of America. The night started slowly with a voter registration process which took five hours. After registration finished, several caucus attendees spoke in favor of their candidates. Madeline Terry ’19, was one of the speakers. Professor Jennifer Stiege, chemistry, said, “Her speech was incredibly eloquent. As she talked about all of the policies her candidate would enact, it was evident she really understood the problems our country faces and the...
  • Comedy Writers On Strike

    B&S Offices - Hello, it’s me. I was wondering if after all this time I should get out of my chair. Everyone is gone. I am all alone in the corner of this room. We have been on strike for six days now and things are looking down. There is nothing funny in the world. Nothing for me to write about. NOTHING. I am eating a dry bowl of broccoli. There is no ranch dressing. I haven’t left my seat since Monday. This chair is officially a bathroom now. I heard Valentine’s Day is coming up, maybe somebody can write...
  • Grinnell Rearranged Dining Hall; Chaos Ensues

    DHALL-Over winter break, the administration moved the drink station from the back left corner of the Dining Hall to the front. At first greeted with surprise and a mixture of awe and indifference, the new positioning of furniture has proved hazardous to the student body, with students walking into and out of this space finding themselves blindsided by this obtrusive mass. In just over a week, several pairs of students have collided, resulting in countless dropped trays, three shirts ruined by chocolate milk, one pants-crotch discolored by lemonade, one hospitalization, and waves of sarcastic clapping from their peers. Tammy Schroeder...
  • Student Still Immersed in Off-Campus Culture

    DINING HALL - Since returning from her semester abroad in London, Andrea Miller ’17 doesn’t eat french fries. She only eats chips. “My off-campus study experience really changed me,” she explained while queueing at the Honor G Grill. “I was fully immersed in British culture, and though my body may have left, my mind still endeavours to reflect the behaviours of this honourable kingdom.” She then mused, “Do you think I could get any fried fish to go with this?” Many of Miller’s peers find her transformation enthralling. “Instead of ‘math,’ she says ‘maths!’” gushed Jeremy Heinz ’19. “It’s so...
  • New Students Politically Minded

    MAC FIELD - Two of Grinnell’s newest students this semester have already made a splash. “My new roommate Ronald Dump is amazing,” Josh Kent ’19 said. “At first, I thought he was a professor, but he actually took a few years off to work with his apprentices. And he’s loaded.” Another new student, Phil Hinton ’17, has also been making waves. Hinton lives off campus with an intellectually tall, blonde woman whom most students believe to be his mother. Like Dump, Hinton appears much older than his apparent twenty years. Another thing these crazy kids have in common is their...
  • Rantings of a Frustrated Jew during the Holiday Season

    Well, it’s that time of the year again. I officially can’t walk into a store or turn on the radio without being bombarded by the “Christmas spirit”. Ever since I discovered at the age of five that the majority of the society in which I exist is not Jewish, I have felt distinctly uncomfortable during the solid month of the year that is devoted to celebrating the birth of Jesus. “But it’s so secularized!” people argue. “It’s just a part of American culture!” Well sure, maybe to some extent, but isn’t that just a reminder that my own culture is...
  • Crows Descend on Black Friday Sales

    MCNALLY’S - The staff of Grinnell’s most luxurious grocery store were not particularly surprised on Black Friday to attract a great number of crows with their excellent discounts. The sales attracted patrons from all across Poweshiek County. “Sure, I can get food for cheap at WalMart or HyVee,” squawked George Harold Consiglio-Johnson as he browsed the produce. “But I like to know that what I’m regurgitating into the mouths of my kids is organic and sustainably grown. It just tastes better when you know that it’s good for the planet.” However, individuals from much farther away also felt inclined to...
  • Grinnell Kicks Holiday Season

    In years past, the town of Grinnell has kicked off the holiday season with several holiday-themed events, such as caroling and Jingle Bell Holiday. This year, however, the town has decided to take a different approach to the holidays. Rather than kicking off the season, the town has instead decided to kick the season. “We have decided to change things up a little,” stated a Grinnell City resident, as their friend set a Christmas tree on fire. Several of the events underwent a name change in preparation for this historic celebration. For example, “Jingle Bell Holiday” has been changed to...
  • Grinnell Revises Miner Policy

    November 10th - Grinnell recently announced a new policy change that will make it easier to regulate and protect miners on campus, as described in the Campus Memo. According to the memo, the goal of the program is to “protect the safety of the miners.” Surprisingly, this policy change centers around only seven Grinnellians. “We were having some issues.” Doc, head of the miners, explained. “Some of the professors wouldn’t let us bring our pickaxes to class. And when we started singing about washing our hands, students just stared at us.” Patricia Singer, a CLS staff member, explained. “Since the...
  • Scheduling Flaw Stymies Grinnellians For Rubio

    HYVEE AND BROWNELLS – Facing crowds as large as twenty people, Senator and presidential candidate Marco Rubio visited Grinnell last Tuesday as part of a trip through Iowa. He stopped at HyVee and Brownells during his visit. While many at the college had planned on going to the event, due to a scheduling miscommunication no students attended. According to student Shiri Walker ‘19, “On Facebook it said Rubio was visiting on the 25th. I was excited to go and I invited all of my friends to the event. I really got into it, I posted something on my Timeline and...
  • Special Topics Course Teaches Skill of Staying Awake

    JCC - Grinnell College will offer a new Special Topic course in the Spring 2016 semester, BLS-295: Professor Lives, co-taught by Professors Dominique Smith and Ella Livestein. The course is designed to help students be able to critically engage with the world by introducing them to a scenario where a professor will endlessly drone on about their lives and their achievements while students have to feign interest and engagement with the material. “This course was a long time coming,” says Dominique Smith, chair of the newly-created Bullshit-Life Skills department . “BLS-295 will teach students invaluable life skills. The average person’s...
  • Winter Waltz Fruit Funds Frozen

    MAIN QUAD – Flaky sources have stated that Waltz committee members are Snow-Conecerned by their chilling realization last year that people only come to Waltz for the fresh fruit. Last year, after weeks of work to make Waltz a real winter (mostly by setting up really ice decorations and by making sure that the dance instructor was a step above), the Waltz Committee froze in their tracks after seeing that the conga line to the fruit had more people than the slick dance floor. Committee member Nemo Frost complained, “Waltz was supposed to be about sledding across the floor to...
  • SGA Discovers Gold Stash

    SGA Offices – Earlier this week, facilities management staff, while doing a routine carpet cleaning and asbestos removal of the Student Government Association offices, accidently dislodged a corner of the floor and discovered 350 gold bars hidden beneath SGA. Upholding a spirit of self-gov stronger than can be found at any Harris party, FM staff left the gold bars as they were and promptly called SGA cabinet members, who convened a midnight meeting. Said Chair of Residence Affairs Kimmy Orwell, “We were all, of course, shocked, to find these gold bars hidden beneath the floorboard. We were also uneasy, as...
  • Architects Reveal Further Details for ARH/Carnegie

    JRC 101 - This Wednesday, the architectural firm LMP (Last Minute Planning) released their final designs for the new ARH and Carnegie buildings. Grinnell College hired the firm to design new buildings to replace the existing ones, just in time for the next crop of eager young pupils, beginning with the class of 2024. The architects in charge of the project visited campus to present their plans for the first time to an audience of students and staff in the JRC. “It’s gonna be cooler than any other building ever!” said Project Director Jennifer Hamster, kicking off the presentation. “It’s...
  • The Deirdre Saga; Deirdre Goes to Summer Camp

    Dheidra looked around her, hair cascading over her pale shoulders and bouncing off her somber skin. Her melancholy knew no bounds. In her youth, before the transformation, she had enjoyed summer camp and the carefreeness of running around like an unleashed creature of the deep, but now she could only look on with nostalgia, unable to relive her youth, before the transformation. The sun made it too dangerous for her to venture into the summer camp, since it threatened to ruin her complexion. For now she could only look on at the happy summer goers, envying their happiness and ability...
  • Dining Hall Serves Up a Plate of Racism

    DINING HALL - Recently, a new controversy has arisen in the much talked about Grinnell Dining Hall. Students are complaining that the foods served are “racist.” “I tried to grab a cupcake, but it immediately donned a sombrero and starting screaming racial epithets,” stated aggrieved Nicole Jameson ‘18. Dining Hall workers have tried in vain to subdue the extremely racist foods. “I mean this is just exhausting. The food is out of control,” sighed student worker Darren Tso ‘17, after trying to muffle an orange that was attempting to proclaim that one of its best friends is black. Students are...
  • This is Not a Personal Attack Aimed at You

    “You support eugenics, what’s wrong with you?” “You do know that what you are arguing for is racist, right?” “Can you just leave?” “You’re just a stupid liberal hippie who doesn’t know what they are talking about” “Can you believe what this racist asshole in my class said?” These are but a few of statements I have heard or seen in my trek through Grinnell College. What do they have in common? They are attempts to stifle conversation instead of propagating it. Bla bla bla, typical argument from a white guy who is whining about how his freedom of speech...
  • Ginkgo Tree Unwilling to Give Away Secrets

    MAC FIELD - The Grinnell Administration has decided to curb the noxious fumes emanating from the campus’s resident Ginkgo tree, located outside the JRC on the edge of Mac Field, by placing a corded string around the tree that will encourage the tree’s smell to stay away from students. “The string will hopefully hold back the odors coming from the tree, allowing students to walk safely by,” said an administrative spokesperson, who expressed “reasonable confidence” that these measures would work. Critics say this approach was in line with the approaches the administration has taken towards race issues and sexual assault...
  • Orchestra Concert Doesn't Fail to Arouse

    SEBRING-LEWIS - Students and faculty gathered together late last Saturday to celebrate one of Grinnell College’s most anticipated, scandalous, and sexiest nights of the year. Loud music, minimal clothing, and flying dolla billz can only mean one thing: Orchestra Concert. As soon as the lights dimmed, shit. went. down. Dvorak’s New World Symphony consisted of an hour and forty-five minutes of orgasmic hip gyrating music. The show opened with a crowd favorite by the one and only Staccato Your Dick in Me with her classic rendition of “Talk Wind Ensemble To Me.” Most audience members began whooping and screaming in...
  • Administration Proposes Anti-Disparity Measures

    Grinnell College has unveiled a series of plans to target racial disparity in arrests and drug violations. “All across the nation, we see that African-Americans are incarcerated at nearly 6 times the rate of their Caucasian counterparts,” President Kington. “Even at Grinnell College, African-Americans are arrested for drug offenses and charged three times more than whites, despite being a much smaller component of the student body. “As an institution that advocates for social justice, we cannot just stand back and hypocritically do nothing whilst these injustices go on. For this reason, we, along with the Grinnell Police Department, have come...
  • Give it a Rest

    You may have heard, a few times or perhaps 25 times, during admissions talks or your days as a prospie or from your professors, or you complaining to your friends in incoherent sentences at 3:00a.m., that Grinnell classes are hard. Then you add in extracurriculars, work, applying for internships or summer programs, applying for more work, and not being that person who never goes to anything. And then there are the unfortunate other basic necessities, like washing your clothes and then drying them two times before giving up. So it’s no surprise to me that I’ve been feeling pretty busy...
  • Grinnell College Emboriled in EventGate Scandal

    JRC - Grinnell College has recently decided to place images of flowers in the display screens in the Joe Rosenfield ’25 Center. Although many interpret this as a new artistic touch, sources within the administration claim that this innocuous change is part of a much larger conspiracy. An administrative employee, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “You may have noticed that the flower pictures have replaced all of the event calendars in JRC. You may think that this was just bad planning on our part, but actually that was our goal. The college is engaging in a strategy to reduce...
  • Grinnell Prize Losers Share Stories

    HERRICK CHAPEL - Last Tuesday night, Grinnell College hosted two Grinnell Prize winners to speak in Harrick Chapel on their work in public welfare and education. The following night, President R.Nerdy Kington invited two former Grinnell Prize Losers to speak on how to cope with scraping by. They also spoke in the chapel to a packed audience, each speaker with their own podium. “Yeah, I didn’t win the Grinnell Prize. Not by a long shot,” opened Frank Carrot ’82. “Ah, I had such big dreams as a college student. I wanted to open up a slingshot outlet; with really practical...
  • Halloween Is Real

    GRINNELL - For all college students, Halloween is a night of free candy, cheap alcohol and racially insensitive costumes. Yet this Halloween, the danger became real for some students when an outbreak of the zombie virus hit campus. The zombie virus, which has several varying stages ranging from mild (slurred speech and a dependency on coffee to function in daily life) to severe (inability to walk followed by a taste for human brains), may have been imported into Grinnell after Fall Break. Students speculate that the outbreak may have begun at Halloween Harris, where Jansen Crane ’19, was reported to...
  • Hillary Brings Self-Gov To World

    HARRIS CENTER, NOVEMBER 3 - Secretary of State and Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton visited Grinnell College to discuss her campaign platform, which largely builds upon the one proposed by Bernie Sanders during his September visit to Grinnell. “I’ll admit the old coot is headed in the right direction by proposing to instill Self-Governance as a primary value of our nation,” she said in her opening remarks. “But as Secretary of State, I believe that it is possible, nay, imperative, nay, our duty, to deliver Self-Gov to the world!” Clinton then proceeded to outline her plan to spread Self-Gov across...
  • Students Find Salvation in Grinnell

    8th STREET, GRINNELL - This week, Grinnell received a number of mid-semester transfers with a surprising background. The Heaven or Heck Church of Christ, located in Sheolsgate, Indiana, visited Grinnell this week, and many of the members decided to stay on campus. “Now I’ve finally seen the light,” Simon Petersberg ’19 exclaimed as he donned a pair of non-prescription glasses, “I’m meant to explore the liberal arts after all!” Petersberg and eleven of his followers had visited Grinnell to preach the advantages of gender inequality in the workplace, and also talk about God some. Although they initially hoped to save...
  • 10/10 Just A Hoax

    NOYCE - This year marked yet another successful 10/10 celebration. Or did it? On the morning of 10/11, an anonymous source left a tip suggesting that 10/10 was a hoax. The note, written on a Wal-Mart receipt for $45.12 of off-brand Doritos, read, “10/10 was a sham, I tell you. A trick, a con, a hoodwink, a bamboozle, a murphy, a leg-puller, a down right lie. And it made fools of all of you! Ridiculous students, so lost in your world of indulgence that you cannot even believe your own taste buds!” Like all tips submitted with proof of purchase,...
  • Campus Security - Behind the Scenes

    Paul Blart, Grinnell College newest Security Office, looks apprehensively at the obstacle course laid before him. “I’ve been told it would be tough.” he says. “But I’m surrounded by some of the best, and they’ll help me get through this.” The obstacle course Paul is referring to is just one of the many intensive training exercises Grinnell College has its officers do as part of the annual week of Security Review Operation, a series of events intended to “train, teach, and above all, prepare officers for any eventuality that might arise.” The tasks, meant to both teach and test Grinnell...
  • Take a Shot

    Flu season is approaching, and with it the inevitable antivaccination campaigns. I would like to address these and argue that ultimately, vaccination is necessary. First off, vaccines have been scientifically shown not to cause autism. I literally can’t say anything else about that. Second, some people oppose vaccinations by citing their potential dangers, but such hazards have been proven incredibly rare. Opting out of a vaccine out of fear of side effects is selfish and dangerous. A basic concept in epidemiology is herd immunity: if a certain percentage of a population is immune (via vaccination) to a disease, then the...
  • City of Grinnell Actually Exists

    OFF CAMPUS - Grinnell students were shocked to hear that Davis Elementary School, located in Grinnell, had been named a Blue Ribbon School by the United States Department of Education. Some were taken aback even by the basic details of the story. “I didn’t even know Grinnell had an elementary school!” said Shania Harill ’19. “I thought Grinnell was mainly just a bunch of houses, churches, and Walmart departments. But I guess it makes sense that there are kids here: I mean some professors have kids, and there are a lot of professors.” Jack Petros ‘17 said, “At first I...
  • Neverland Players Using Questionable Tactics?

    BUCKSBAUM - The following is a guest article written by a visiting scholar and professional investigative reporter who has had a prominent career as the 2 a.m. news reporter on NPR for over fifteen years, and has gone to such lengths as following a herd of deer for two weeks and becoming fluent in Esperanto in order to obtain stories. The world-renowned Grinnell phenomenon that is Neverland has always been accepted as fun, family-friendly collaboration between college students and elementary school children. But does its friendly façade hide something something more sinister? Can a group really be that enthusiastic without...
  • Prospie Performs Library Layover

    BURLING - In light of the onslaught of prospies this past weekend, it’s no wonder one of them went mysteriously missing Sunday night. The second-year charged with hosting said prospie, George Dubloon, was understandably perplexed. “I can’t imagine where he could have gone,” Dubloon tells the B&S. “Students have been doing everything they can to make the prospies feel welcome. I didn’t know what could have driven him away.” The mystery was solved Monday Morning, when James Campbell, the missing high school senior, emerged from Burling. Campbell had just accomplished something no Grinnell student has yet achieved: he stayed the...
  • Board of Trustees to Cut Own Budget

    PRIVATE ISLAND - In an effort to turn around Grinnell’s ailing endowment fund situation, the Grinnell Board of Trustees are considering measures that would significantly cut down the money spent on Trustee meals, retreats, meetings, and travelling. “We are very aware that everyone must make sacrifices if the Grinnell endowment wants to continue being profitable” Dex Duthor, a trustee, said. “We are cutting down on financial aid for students, we are getting rid of need-blind aid, dining hall food quality has gone down considerably due to budget cuts… It’s only fair that we do our part too” Some of the...
  • Drug Prices Get Sky High

    SOUTH LOGGIA - Due to a recent change in leadership of the Grinnell College drug market, the price of one gram of marijuana on campus has risen from $20 to $840, dealers report. Marijuana, a substance used to treat the common student ailment of overcommitment, is the drug of choice for most Grinnellians, used by an estimated 42% of the student body. According to an anonymous source, the price hike can be attributed to the matriculation of one Alice Stone to the class of 2019. Stone, who hails from Boulder, Colorado. controls all the inflow of ganja into Grinnell College,...
  • Some Thoughts on 10/10

    For those who don’t know, 10/10 is the traditional Grinnellian drinking marathon party that begins in Norris and concludes on High Street. It’s a privilege that we , as self- governing adults, have earned, and is arguably one of the most talkedabout events on campus. And sometimes I feel weird about it. Let me preface this by saying that I am not opposed to the idea of 10/10 on its own. It’s a cool concept— an outdoor moving party where everyone is invited and social barriers are broken down. It’s the drinking culture that makes me uneasy. I’m not sub-free,...
  • First Year Plague Sweeps Campus

    SOMEWHERE UNDER A THICK PILE OF BLANKETS - As an adult human, I have experienced being sick before. I’ve had the requisite strep throat, ear infections, and colds. However, recently I experienced my first bout of what I can only assume was some distant relative of swine flu. Most of my other classmates were also ill, however, they had been afflicted with the stomach flu or common cold. The Fever Disease that I had was different. I fell ill on a Thursday, although I functioned normally until Thursday night. Once the fever struck, I was officially out of commission for...
  • Grinnellians Rush Advising Week

    SECOND FLOOR OF THE JRC - This year, Grinnell hosted its first Advising week. The intent was to inform students of the multiple opportunities, majors and concentrations that Grinnell provides. “We figured it was time to start treating the second years like members of our Grinnell society,” Associate Dean Carol Chambers explained. “I mean, they’re basically the redheaded stepchildren of the college, so we decided to throw them a bone.” The week began on Monday September 21st, when SEPC members from each department tabled for their respective majors in the JRC. Not only did the tables feature important details about...
  • Parents Disappointed in their Children's Moderation

    CLEVELAND BEACH - Grinnell College prepared many family appropriate activities for Family Weekend, including a historical tour, a bagel brunch, and various concerts. Parents were suitably unimpressed. Neither rural Iowa nor the campus climate met the parents’ expectations. “Where is the vodka?!” said an exasperatedly sober Betty Baxter. “I haven’t seen a single red solo cup since I arrived here.” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, academics are important, but so are body shots,” huffed Billy Babbins. “I did sit-ups for a year for this body, and not a single person drank out of my navel this weekend.” “In my day, pre-gaming began...
  • H2Oh No! We Want an Aquarium!

    This week, we are proud to run a special guest article by the Pun Hall! For more information, contact [prosesports] For those of you not up on current events, there is something fishy about this college. A tuna complaints are rippling through campus about the lack of a student-run aquarium, as it is a reelly big problem on which the administration porpoisely refuses to comment. Students are understandably crabby, and a large number of fish-lovers are coming out of their shells and drowning in a sea of sorrow. Now, the wave of affirmation has crested, and many campus organizations are...
  • Supermoon Eclipse Ruse to get Students to go to Damn Observatory

    OBSERVATORY - The Grinnell College administration created an elaborate, multi-million dollar hoax in order to get students to visit the observatory this past Sunday. “We opened up the observatory in 1984, but then started really ballin’ out in ’85, so everybody, including the administration, forgot about it for twenty years.” said President Reynerd Kang-thang. “In 2004 we found it steeped in cobwebs and used condoms. An especially articulate and prophetic English major had written, ‘You lost the game!’ on the telescope’s big lens. We were mortified!” For several years, the administration desperately tried to make the observatory popular, reinventing it...
  • CLS Alumni Scandal Revealed

    CLS - The Grinnell College administration has been rocked by accusations that Grinnell College has been paying actors to pose as Grinnell alumni. In what people are now referring to as the AlumniGate scandal, the CLS stands accused of bringing low-profile Hollywood actors to campus to recite a pre-written poll-tested script, so as to convince students and parents that the ‘laissez-faire’ teaching style of Grinnell College works. “It’s all simple economics” John Ehrlichman, an expert in college finance and public relations, said. “Grinnell College offers a teaching style that, to most of the Western world, seems like bullshit: paying over...
  • SHACS Doles Out Free Menstrual Products

    SHACS - Recent demand for free menstrual products has risen so high that SHACS is now offering them for free. “After the lock-picking incident and numerous student protests, we decided that offering free pads and tampons was the only option. Anyway, we give out free condoms, so why wouldn’t we give out free tampons and pads?” Shanna Newman, a nurse at SHACS, explained as she displayed a new case filled with sample products. These products are in such high demand that SHACS has created a menstrual calendar filled with each female-bodied students menstruation week. Students will be granted access to...
  • Deez Nuts Takes Smounker By Storm

    POPULAR PLACES FOR STUDENTS TO HANG OUT-Deez Nuts, the independent presidential candidate from Iowa, recently withdrew his name from the presidential ballot to officially endorse Bernie Sanders. Many have speculated that the underlying reason for his decision was his realization of the difficulty a third party faces in our severely gridlocked two-party political system. It thus came as no surprise to see the announced candidacy of “Deez Nuts” in the Smounker cluster senate race. Fortunately for Nuts, Grinnell has a pluralist approach to its elections and campaigns. In many ways, Nuts has found a space and public through which he...
  • Dealing with Homophobia

    As far as queer people go, I have been pretty lucky. I came out at Grinnell, where my identity has always been accepted and respected, and my family has only ever been supportive, or at the very least wellmeaning, in the case of a comment from my grandmother about how I probably wouldn’t have wanted a ruffled miniskirt for Hanukkah (I did not). But I also knew that outside of my sheltered world, a lot of people have it a lot worse, and it terrified me. Even among my peers, people swapped stories of slurs and bullying. And seeing pictures...
  • Harris Parties Sell Out to Corporations

    HARRIS CENTER - Due to the popularity and huge success of the Harris Disney Bangerz party, corporations are now vying for the attention of Grinnell College. Representatives from major corporations in the areas of entertainment, news, and even food are converging on campus to prove that they are the fairest one of all. “We believe that our shows like SpongeBob and the Fairly Oddparents have a certain type of nightlife flair over Disney,” said the Nickelodeon representative. “For example, Trixie Tang has a more realistic sex appeal than, say, a woman with fins or an ice-queen that can freeze your...
  • Netflix and Chill Just Got Easier

    CYBERSPACE - Flixer, a new app designed by Grinnellians, has taken the student body by storm, and revolutionized the way we “Netflix and Chill.” Flixer is a social media platform designed to match users based on their Netflix interests. Utilizing the amazing swipe technology, accepting or rejecting others is easier than ever. “Everybody wants to watch Netflix,” explains Flixer founder Joshua Graham, “and what we designed is a way to get around all that awful waffling.” Flixer allows users to create a profile with information such as their favorite TV shows, preferred snack food, watching habits, etc. to advertise themselves...
  • Train Refuses to Accept Self-Gov

    TRAIN TRACKS - As the weeks after New Student Orientation pass by, students are settling down into their coursework and activities. A glaring exception is the noticeably stressed state of the school’s student advisors. After helping first years become acclimated to the culture of the campus through numerous community value sessions, floor meetings, and resource tours, the team of appointed second, third, and fourth years realized that one member of the Grinnell team had not been properly assimilated. The Train, an institution at Grinnell College, seen and heard running through campus daily, remained blissfully unaware of the nine tenets of...
  • Bernie Brings Self-Gov To Nation

    CENTRAL PARK, 3:15 p.m. SEPTEMBER 3- During his stop in Grinnell, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders declared Thursday that he was adding Grinnell College’s “Self-Gov” policy to his platform. Said Sanders, “My first day in office, I will call a national state of “Self-Gov” to kick off my grassroots people’s revolution.” The announcement bewildered members of both the Democratic and Republican parties; however a majority of High Street residents speedily endorsed it. Grinnell President Reynerd Kengten describes self-governance as “a philosophy that motivates students to keep their behavior in check for the good of their community rather than just to avoid...
  • Burling Confirmed Haunted

    BOORLING LIBRARY - Ever since the dawn of Burling Library, there have always been rumors of Burling Floor being haunted by a mischievous ghost affectionately known as “Prankstergiest”. Though always written off as a “nonsense” and “something to scare first years”, new evidence has surfaced to suggest that the existence of a ghost on the third floor of Burling Library may well be true. “Oh yeah there’s definitely a ghost,” said third year Kelly Loafer. “I kept running out of pencil lead, and I had to walk all the way to the bookstore to get more.” According to new testimonies...
  • Concerts To Have On Your Radar

    GARDNER - Grinnell is known for hosting the best in indie music in free concerts for students. Here are seven we’re extra excited to see take the stage: DJ L0Inss: The leading name in the Jersey Club genre offshoot New Hampshire Club, DJ L0Inss brings that infamous Concord bass sound to your night’s soundtrack of Dionysian indulgence and disreputable debauchery. The B&S staff fully recommends you come damage your inner ear to DJ L0Inss electronic bleeps and bloops. Brynnen and the Blood Tears: The Blood Tears’ 2014 LP “I Guess It’s Supposed To Sound Like Mostly Fuzz” was deemed one...
  • What I Wish I Knew as a First Year

    In my first year at Grinnell, I tried to dive right into new classes, new friends, and new activities, and managed to present myself as a cheerful and comfortable person. But on the inside, I was struggling. The transition to was much more difficult than I had expected, old mental health problems were back with a vengeance, and I discovered that I had social anxiety, which made even the simplest interactions sources of great distress. The trouble is, there was no quick fix. I could join a new club or sit with new people in the D-Hall, but I still...
  • First Year Stems 2019

    Hi, [2019] We believe that you are the future. And not just because we are aware that we are confined to a linear concept of time as three-dimensional creatures. We don’t know you, and you don’t know us, and you don’t know each other, so memorize these and use them as icebreakers when you meet each other. Love and salutations, from The B&S, respectively Lauren Acker is a direct descendent of Josiah B. Grinnell. Anisha Agarwalla is done with the Bachelorette after last season. Anna Ahrens has the most posts on the 2019 Facebook group. Ala Akkad is still not...
  • First Years Overflow Housing

    ALL OVER CAMPUS - As the 2015-2016 academic year gets fully underway, Grinnell College finds itself once again shrouded in controversy. Once the class of 2019 completed NSO and slowly became accustomed to becoming part of the “tree¬huggin’, Bernie lovin’ community” that characterizes Grinnell College, they found themselves being crammed into campus dorms at alarming rates. Due to the size of Grinnell College’s incoming first ¬year class, the Grinnell Administration has decided that the newbies at the bottom of the totem pole would be sardine-packed into campus dorms. Tactics utilized by the administration include converting doubles to triples, triples to...
  • Peat Bog Mummy Joins Class of 2019

    MAIN LOUNGE - The Grinnell Office of Admissions is proud to welcome a bright new organism into the Class of 2019. This 11,018 year-old primitive human had been mummified in a peat bog on the plains of Western Siberia before it was discovered one year ago by Grinnell admissions staff. Boris Glubar, the admissions representative sent on a recruiting tour through northern Europe, tripped over the perfectly preserved corpse on his trek to St. Petersburg. Said Glubar, “In my defensive panic, I apologized profusely to the foggy, methanereeking green mass.” As it turns out, “I’m sorry” linguistically translates into the...
  • Students Housed By Sorting Hat

    HARRIS CENTER – With the newest wave of first years starting at Grinnell, another year commences–but this time with a twist. Students piled into Harris Center at the start NSO for the first ever Sorting Ceremony. Not a sound could be heard as President Aynardray Ingtonkay placed a crocheted and shabby beanie upon a stool positioned in the middle of the stage. Stringently divided up into their separate campuses by seating section, returning students began to whisper as the first years standing in line glanced fervently around them–some trembling, others wearing looks of terror on their faces. Silence returned to...
  • Dierdra Graduates

    The time had come at last. Dierdreigh was solemnly looking at her tear-stained vampiary, aka vampire diary, that she had kept all four years of Vampire Hunting Academy For Young Vampires. She realized how much she was going to miss roaming the halls of the academy, killing vampires. “Ha!” she said to herself, holding the diary as she walked down the hall towards the chamber of the final ceremony. “Ha! I remember killing Lionel Von Robbenstude, he tried to take me away from my dearest partridge, my one true love. How I miss him, my lover.” Dedrei was wracked with...
  • Grinnellians Swept Up In Paul 2016 Campaign

    COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE - In the midst of commencement season as well as admitted students weekends, the town of Grinnell hosted an event for major Republican candidate in the 2016 presidential race, Rand Paul. The Paul campaign, running under the slogan “Unleash the American Dream” had a stopover at the Grinnell Town Center to deliver a stump speech and rally support. Many Grinnell students were in attendance, and took the opportunity to have their photo taken with the senator from Kentucky. What they didn’t expect, however, was to be roped in to the Paul campaign strategy. “I went cause I thought...
  • Mentors Go On Strike As Finals Approach

    NOLLEN HOUSE - Yesterday evening, mentors around Grinnell campus walked out of their mentor sessions and abstained from their mentoring duties, in what is believed to be the biggest mentorstrike action in the history of Grinnell. Hundreds of students were left dumbfounded as their mentors, acting like one, stormed out of classrooms, commons, and mentor sessions to rally in front of house Nollen house, as a sign of protest at what mentors see as subpar treatment of workers. “We’re here because we want decent wages and decent treatment” Chloe Jones ’16, head of Mentors United said, addressing the crowd of...
  • Obama Destroys Anoymous Internet

    WASHINGTON, DCIn a recent press release, President Barack Obama announced that his last act as President of the United States will be to destroy “the internet and all of its anonymous users.” Despite entering his time as a “lame duck,” Obama adamantly asserts that he fully intends to eliminate anonymity. “Internet anonymity is a scourge on this great country,” Obama articulated. “I not only want the citizens of this country to imagine me looking over their shoulders while they browse the net, but I want to actually BE there, in person or not.” Indeed, the Obama administration has begun making...
  • Don't Fucking Cry

    Today, looking at the other “last” editorials by my predecessors, I admired how they’re able to tactfully look towards the future while paying homage to time here, how they balanced sentimentality with humor and really hit it on the head. No way I can do that. It’ll sound trite. If I tell a story that’s my perfect summary of Grinnell, it wouldn’t translate. You weren’t there! It’d be just another boring anecdote. I’m not able to capture the sound of my friends laughing, or the tangible happiness in a room, or any of the other things that make up my...
  • Adieu to [2015]

    Well, [2015] it’s been a solid four years. I mean, we always do this as a send-off; writing senior blurbs for you all is what we here at the B&S undertake to make sure that each and every one of you bastards has something to look forward to between the end of Hell week and walking across that stage in like, a week. This one feels special, not only ‘cause I’m writing my own send off here, but because I know [2015] has a lot of people who’ve left us along the way. All names appear the way they appear...
  • Grinnell Introduces Study Break Study Breaks

    JRC - Student organizations are trying out new strategies for hosting events for the college community. Fiona Ott, a member of the Student Alumni Council, said “It’s common knowledge among those involved in student organizations that the only study breaks you go to are the ones which you are hosting. A study break isn’t something you can plan, it’s something that happens at 2 a.m on Thursday night when you type in Netflix.com without thinking about it.” Ott continued, “Because of this, the Student Alumni Council and a lot of other organizations are trying a new strategy. Next Wednesday night...
  • Cubbies and Children and Postals, OH MY!

    My name is Johnny Parker and I am a third grader at Grinnell Elementary School. Every Friday, my mother and father bring me and my three-year-old brother Ike to Grinnell College for dinner because Mommy is working on something called a ten-year. Even though we’ve only been here for five years. I like the dining hall. It has fifty different sodas on tap and scooper hero ice cream which is the best ice cream because it’s so messy and STILL tastes just like vanilla! The best part of the dining hall isn’t even IN the dining hall! It is outside...

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