In This Fantastic Issue of May 12 2017

  • Students Threat To Construction

    CONSTRUCTION SITES - After a number of students were found to have entered the ARH and Mac Field Construction Sites, the college administration was forced to take drastic action. “This is absolutely unacceptable,” said administrator Andie Conway. “What an egregious breach of self-governance and what it means to be a Grinnellian. Like, for one thing, it’s called the Humanities and Social Studies Complex! How many times do we have to say it! It’s not the “ARH” construction it’s the “HSSC” construction!” “We care very deeply for the students in our community,” said Conway. “We know that TitHead this year was...
  • Student Sits In Different Seat

    An apocalypse was unwittingly initiated by a fourth year who decided to mess with the social order by not sitting in their usual place in class. The chaos star ted when Justin Garcia ’17 sat down in a chair 3 places to the right of his usual seating arrangement in his Sociology of Social Movements class. “Yeah, at first I thought he was going to talk to a friend, or he saw a Starburst on the ground or something.” A traumatized Elena Smith ’19 related. “But it was clear he had... other intentions.” According to witnesses, Garcia confidently straddled the...
  • Silicon Valley Bound

    Famous Silicon Valley star Kumail Nanjiani attended Grinnell to give a pre-graduation talk. Droves of students turned out for the speech; however, many of students had different motives. The speech itself was fairly remarkable. Every other slide contained the words “FUCK GRINNELL” written in light yellow letters and displayed over a neon yellow background. Most students agree it was incredibly affirming. “Does anyone have any questions?” Nanjiani asked at the end of his speech. Instantly, several hands shot up in one particular section of the room. “How does one begin working in Silicon Valley? As a first-year, I’ve had two...
  • New Anti-Sexism Club Faces Oppression

    A new club, dubbed Students Against Sexism in Science (or SASS) is making waves in Grinnell’s science department. Founded by and consisting of exclusively white heterosexual cisgender male students across the various sciences with intent of fighting rampant misogyny, it has encountered a surprising resistance from others in joining it. “I’ve been here for three years, and all this time I had no idea such atrocity existed in Grinnell,” Ellington Franklin McAllister III ’18, a white cis male CS major and one of SASS’s founders, stated. “If only [the misogyny] had been exposed sooner, we might’ve addressed this years ago!”...
  • A Groundbreaking Success

    The Grinnell campus community was invited to participate in an event celebrating the current various construction projects all around us all the time. Although some students were skeptical at first, the celebration proved to be an overwhelming success with satisfied students from all over campus engaging in the fun. “I imagined there would be some type of interactive aspect but I had no idea it would be so immersive.” recalls Joel Kinsen ‘19, “They gave me a bright yellow safety vest and full reign to operate that phallic giant I have been gawking over all semester.” Charlotte Kilmer ‘20, another...
  • Deirdrgre Gets Married

    _The B&S Presents... Deighdre Gets Married. Our vampire, vampire slayer slaying heroine’s big day approaches. But will everything go as she planned? Let’s find out..._ Deedra looked at herself in the mirror. Or rather, she pretended to look at herself in the mirror for the sake of her inferior human bridesmaids, for she could not look in the mirror, given that she was a vampire. As she brushed her satanically dark hair from her snowflake dress, she gave an appraising nod to Lord Hoopyville, her owl companion. Now was the time. With a sigh, she walked down the stairs, making...
  • True Grinnellian

    As graduation approaches, the question “why did you come to Grinnell?” rings in my head. The answer? Because they gave me money, lmao!! Because if I didn’t come here, I’d be some rando running around the University of Maryland, probably still trying to force myself to be a science major. That’s it! That’s what it boils down to. I’m incredibly privileged to be here, but I didn’t come here to study, or to do anything, really. I wanted out of where I was, I wanted the chance to find out who I was, and Grinnell gave me that escape route....

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    Issue 7, Volume 28

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