In This Fantastic Issue of April 14 2017

  • Disaster Strikes When Sunbathers Meet Landscapers

    Students enjoying the fair weather earlier this week did not fare well when they were ferociously attacked by riding lawnmowers while sunbathing on the grass. Thirteen students were taken to Grinnell Regional Medical Center and four shrubs to Earl May Garden Center The grim news came as a shock to the victims’ fellow students. Melony Fairiton ’17, a witness on the scene of the bloody affair, stated: “Looking back at all the spring afternoons I spent studying on Mac Field, or hammocking by East Campus, I was so ignorant of the dangers around me.” She recalled, “It’s a shame about...
  • Peace Rock Unearthed, An Era Of Darkness Descends

    BREAKING NEWS - On Thursday, McGough Construction unearthed the fabled Peace Rock, thus resurrecting the infamous College Scrap and ushering in a new era of darkness. Grinnell historian Wolfe Hogarth explained that The Scrap was “an ancient Grinnell ritual in which the campus was pit against itself to decide who was worthy of the mythic Grinnell Crown.” “According to the legends inscribed in the Burling Basement Bathrooms,” he continued, “the one who wins the crown controls the campus.” Hogarth explained that the scrap was a “bloodbath, driven by power-hungry, students, professors, and administrators, who would stop at nothing to get...
  • SGA Introduces New Campus Bikes Program To Replace Failed Campus Bikes Programs

    This Wednesday, SGA announced a new, revolutionary plan to provide students all students with access to mint-condition, yellow bicycles. The “Campus Bikes” program will be launched this spring after the failure of its predecessors, the “Campus Bikes” program, the “Campus Bikes” program, and the “Campus Bikes” program. The “Campus Bikes” program had fallen on hard times over the past two decades. Only ten years ago, it appeared as a prominent fixture in College admissions’ material as autumn leaves and “selfgovernance.” “I’m enthusiastic about the ‘Campus Bikes’ program,” said Senator Biggert Young ’20. “An idea as bold as this will bring...
  • President Kington Jumps Shark

    In what appears to be the latest in a string of bizarre PR gambits, President Raynard “RayK” Kington spent late Monday afternoon driving a motorcycle off a ramp to flip over the shark-infested waters of the Osgood Natatorium. Ray-K agreed to do this challenge in order to aid in celebration of the swim team’s successful season, as well as for all of its committed donations to the school. Said Dean of Student Affairs Francis Rones in a campus memo: “We thought that since President Kington has been receiving criticism over the decision not to divest from fossil fuels, the mishandling...
  • Grinnell Fight Club Comes Out Of The Shadows

    The Grinnell Fight Club has recently acquired the spotlight. However, this is NOT Grinnell’s first Fight Club. “First rule of fight club, don’t talk about fight club!” Jennings Cass ‘17 growled as they punched Lucy Harmon ‘19 in the jaw. “I thought that was obvious!” Indeed, Grinnell has had a fight club since 2013 when a group of intrepid students created a club to fight one another. “Apparently walking down the halls and randomly challenging students to fight is ‘weird’ and ‘violent.’” Harmon explained. “So a group of students secretly decided to start a Grinnell Fight Club. Only we didn’t...
  • Athletes Banned From Fitness Center

    After a productive town hall on Tuesday about inclusion in the Fitness Center, the college administration was able to get a clear picture of underlying issue and has decided to make drastic changes. Ultimately, the college has decreed that athletes are no longer allowed to use the fitness center. “It’s the athletes. The athletes are the problem. I mean, my god, do they even need to use it anyway? They’re already in shape!” exclaimed Zed Marks ‘17, who uses the fitness center three times per semester. Many athletes were outraged. However, as it turns out, many admins use the fitness...
  • A Message From The Arts

    Working on a production is like having a baby. You have to be really gutsy to decide to to decide to make one and the first few weeks are new and weird but exciting and fantastic. From there, everything happens really quickly. Every day is a first for something. Around a month in you start to feel nauseous quite often and your sleep begins to start suffering, but you’re still in it for the long haul and you’re happy about it. The last week before WKH¿QDOSURGXFWDSSHDUV tech week for theatre, is excruciating. You could not be more ready for this...

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    Issue 5, Volume 28

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