In This Fantastic Issue of April 6 2017

  • Students Incapable Of Taking Care Of Themselves During Break

    Grinnell’s extra long Spring break offers unique opportunities for students to return to their families for a home cooked meal or travel the globe to try exotic cuisines. Students who decide to stay on campus, however, are faced with the task of nourishing themselves as the Dhall closes its immaculate glass doors for the two-week duration. Some students were ripe for the challenge; “I hit up HyVee AND Walmart the Friday before break with my MasterCard and a printed Spring Break Ultimate Grocery List I found on Pinterest.” Sara Ruman ‘17 boasted, midflex. “This was my first break here at...
  • Students Are Disgusting, Research Reports

    Norris 3rd Floor- Floor facility manager Gary Purdue has noticed a growing trend in the past 3 years: each year, he has had to replace the soap and toilet paper in the dorm bathrooms less often. “It’s really disheartening to see all these students walk around not caring about their health,” Purdue says. “And it’s also really disgusting.” In fact, this has been happening in dorms across campus, particularly on floors with higher concentrations of underclassmen. But not everyone is lamenting this lack of bathroom use. Carlton Blowes, facility manager for Loose 3rd, said, “It’s been nice not having to...
  • Students Embrace Indefinitely

    DINING HALL—30 minutes into last Sunday’s dinner—which marked the concurrent end of Spring Break and the upcoming doomed fate of the class of 2017 six weeks from now— Ari Plough ’19 and Lauren Lewis ’18 were spotted in the ice cream line, locked in an embrace made for the giving-card section of Wal-Mart, or perhaps even Hy-Vee. The two were allegedly still hugging it out even when the line cleared— lost in the euphoria of their platonic buddymance being reunited after a reported 2 weeks, 2 hours, 37 minutes, 7 seconds, 13.4 milliseconds and 9.8 killoseconds apart. “And 44.23 megaseconds,”...
  • Scarlet The Squirrell Is... Kind of Hot

    The reports are in, and it’s official: the Grinnell campus community thinks the college’s unofficial mascot, Scarlet the Squirrel, is kind of hot. Scarlet has been out and about this week for Scarlet and Give Back, giving some lucky students the rides of their lives and quenching their thirst in Spencer Grill... with root beer floats, that is. Indeed, the campus seems to be engorged with school spirit now that Scarlet is sauntering about. The Office of Fundraising recently released statistics that illustrate donations from current students are up exponentially since introducing Scarlet. “We really thought Scarlet the Squirrel would...
  • Administration Rolls Out New Admitted Students Program

    Grinnell College has revamped its Admitted Students Weekend after student complained that the weekend portrays an over-idealized view of the college. “We decided to show admitted students our real college,” admissions director Cassidy Crane explained. “Warts and all!” The new Admitted Students Weekend (ASW) began with visitors dropping off their luggage in front of the dining hall, and then subsequently were divided into groups: the jocks, the hipsters, and the future supervillains of America. They then walked around campus, taking a tour through the best parts of campus, such as the remains of Mac Field and the construction in ARH...
  • They are Fracking Mac Field

    MAC FIELD - Students, faculty, and staff responded with outrage after leaked Board of Trustee minutes, emails, and video footage revealed that Grinnell College is using controversial hydraulic fracturing or “fracking” to extract oil and natural gas from beneath Mac Field. The leaked dossier, which appeared on Pioneerweb at 5am, contains over 200 pages of damning material related to the fracking project. Highlights include a map showing how the Grinnell fracking well would connect to the Dakota Access Pipeline, a memo from the Office of Investment claiming that Grinnell could double its endowment through the fracking project, and a recording...
  • Career vs. Support Networks

    Let’s face it, we are in the middle of bumfuck Iowa an hours driving from the nearest city, no public transportation, an airport that is an 2-3 layovers from most places, and a town that is hella small. I’d say that, with the exception of people born in Iowa, most people who have come Grinnell did so in a way that prioritized education and career over familial relationships and friend bases/support networks, and when coming here knew roughly 0-3 people in Grinnell. As a fourth year, I have a similar choice to face: start over in a new location, with...

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    Issue 4, Volume 28

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