In This Fantastic Issue of March 1 2017

  • Kington Is A Scene Teen, Apparently

    NOLLEN HOUSE- The spirit of Teen Angst Harris touches every part of campus as students and faculty get wholeheartedly involved, and President Kington is no exception. Bob’s Open Mic got a special visit from the president on Thursday night. Bob’s employee Nathan Barcus reports, “He spent fourteen and a half minutes on stage doing what he called ‘original poetry’ but I’m pretty sure was just an entire chapter of Catcher in the Rye set to an instrumental version of The Real Slim Shady by Eminem. We have asked him not to return.” Jackson Semehan ‘18 said. Members of the administration...
  • Kington Abuses Room Draw

    Two weeks ago, the administration sent long-awaited room-draw numbers to students, but then quickly rescinded them, stating certain students’ numbers were changed because Presiding King said so. Creating a fair room-draw service is a complicated and lengthy process, a process administrators say Presiding King allegedly enjoys complicating. “After we’d sent the first room assignment email out, he ran into the room breathless, sweaty, and wearing that stupid fat suit and a Santa Clause costume, crying, “Wait, Wait! You guys forgot me again!” said Willina Chomp in an email. “Then, he had us work late into the night writing every student’s...
  • Deigghdre Protests

    Deidra walked in the shade, taking care to avoid the bright luminescent sun that cradled its way across the sky. The protesters around her infuriated her: how could petty mortals ever hope to match the iridescent thoughts that nested inside the deep catacombs of a vampyres mind? She walked and walked, spinning her way through the crowd, until she saw who she was looking for: Percival Muckerfort the THIRD. The man who had betrayed her. The man who had taken the dark essence of her heart and sold it to some creep on Ebay. The man who had slept with...
  • CA Blazes It

    A rising number of community advisors are complaining that their floors have simply not bonded enough, the Department of Student Affairs reported. Attendance at programs that don’t offer food has been low, and many CA’s are frustrated by the lack of open doors on their floors. Some CAs have even resorted to knocking on individual doors and providing a list of friends on the floor for each resident. “First, we thought we could have a floor bonfire. Then we realized that would have a low attendance too! Instead, we decided to literally set our floors on fire,” said one CA...
  • Alumni Hate Network

    In attempt to increase inclusivity on campus, the Grinnell College administration has unveiled a new social media platform, Plans First, which will unite current students with alumni who have engaged in blatant racism and harassment of students based on race, gender, or sexual orientation. “For all the talk about openness on this campus, there is not a real platform for people to spew their hateful rhetoric or engage in appalling acts” said the Dean of Students “This can make students feel insecure and unsafe. By connecting them with alums who have engaged in these acts and still found success post-Grinnell,...
  • RedBull Batalla De Gallos

    TLDR: I ponder the nature of Spanish rap battles, and if they should be censored due to their homophobia/misogyny/racism, or allowed to progress since Spain/Latin America aren’t the US and for the most part people aren’t as offended elsewhere, and it’d be an imposition of American “PC” ideals on non-American art. Bueno esto va a ser en español porque ha pasado mucho tiempo desde que he escrito algo en este idioma y quiero practicarlo. Disculpas adelantadas por las faltas de ortografía y gramática. Para los gringos que no entiendan español, esto no es para ustedes. Quizás el mensaje sí, pero...

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