In This Fantastic Issue of September 16 2016

  • Week Brings Alternative Weekends to Campus

    Recently, a new student group has started on campus in response to anger about weekend life on Grinnell’s campus. “It’s just too damn fun,” stated Rohan Mathews ‘17. “I don’t feel like I get enough consistency between the week and the weekend. The whole work hard, party hard, work hard, party hard…. honestly it’s exhausting. I’d rather just take a breather and work hard all the time. Of course, I brought the issue up to SGA to try and resolve this enormous need on campus.” To further the controversy, some have accused SGA of attempting to make days of the...
  • Grinnell College Unveals New Prospie Plans

    Now that prospective student season is approaching, Grinnell College is unveiling a set of new guidelines and activities to enhance the “Prospie Experience.” “For the last couple of days, the administrative staff has been extremely busy with preparations,” said Admission Representation Tara Fey. “We’ve created a comprehensive list of what the student body, including prospies, can and should expect in the upcoming weeks. Admissions and Prospective Student Affairs have tried all sorts of methods to try to prevent dangerous behavior. These new programs are meant to “condition both prospective and new students so that we can avoid future problems,” explained...
  • College Responds to Princeton Review Rankings

    The Princeton Review recently released its college rankings, and once again, Grinnell is on top. The college ranks 6th in LGBTQ-friendly, 7th in best athletic facilities, 8th in most liberal students, and 1067th on administration transparency. However, one area has given officials pause. The college is ranked 6th in “Students who Study Hard,”, being beaten by West Point, Amherst and Harvey Mudd, among other schools. This will not do, say school officials. “Once we saw that we were only sixth, we were shocked! If Grinnell students have time for extra activities, then we’ve failed as an institution!” Lern explained. “So...
  • Football Team Tackles Senator Elections

    ROSENBLOOM FIELD – Head football coach Bill Smith recently announced that all thirtyfour players are now required to run for the SGA Senate Smith stated, “My idea is a great idea. Most students don’t even know we have a football team, so this is about the closest I can get to recruiting. But don’t tell the NCAA I said that.” Smith also hopes the campaign will bridge the gap between athletes and non-athletes, or as non-athletic Grinnellians call them, “sport ball players and us.” The primary logistical concern is that every single football player lives on North campus, so it...
  • Deidre on the Run from the Law

    Deirde paused… gasping for breath. She had forgotten that she no longer needed to breath due to her vampyreic nature. She knew she must keep running, for she could not stop. Deerri was on the run from the law. Of course, she thought, as a cool breeze of the Night threaded through the air, she was not truly guilty of the crime. Dar Dar Binks had been guilty of many things, thought that was far in her past, when she was merely a vampyre and not yet a vampyre killing vampyre. But this, thought the lithe eternal teen, was different....
  • Softball Team Discovers The Power Of Bats

    As most of the Grinnell student body already knows, Clark Hall has been a victim of a wild unprecented infestation of bats this semester. This past weekend, third baseman for the Pioneer Softball team, Layla Boris ‘18, had the misfortune of opening her door to find a bat in her room. This bat was unlike any of the others that have previously been found haunting Clark. It was docile and remained still until Layla ventured to pick it up. Boris decided to keep it and name it Bubba. Boris admits to having ‘abolutely no frikking idea’ on how to take...

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