In This Fantastic Issue of May 13 2016

  • Self-Gov Crashes Own Funeral

    JRC 101- Friday May 6 – A surprise guest at the ‘Funeral for Self-Gov?????’ put the ? in ‘?????’ Last Friday, a group of students gathered to mourn the passing of Self-Gov and recount memories of its life. Complete with sparkling cider, brownie cookies, sparkling cider, and some lovely eulogies, the funeral was held in the JRC. The event was attended by students, professors, and members of the community. Perhaps the most interesting guest, however, was Self-Gov itself. According to attendees, Self-Gov exclaimed, “I, Self-Gov, am alive and well!”, as they clawed their way out of a flower strewn grave,...
  • 2016 Olympics Relocate to Grinnell

    CHARLES BENSON BEAR CENTER - In an effort to liven up the summer for students staying in Grinnell, the college has announced that the 2016 Summer Olympics will move from Rio de Janeiro to Grinnell. Upon political turmoil and unfinished construction in Brazil, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) approved a last minute plan to move the games to the heart of America. Bill Peterson, President of the IOC, said, “Grinnell is a natural fit. The United States hasn’t hosted an Olympics in a while anyways, so this move makes complete sense.” Comparing this relocation to the purchase of the golf...
  • Fruit Roll-Up Wreaks Havoc

    DINING HALL- Last Wednesday, a Blastin’ Berry Fruit Roll-Up ™ was discovered in one of the brand-new stainless steel refrigerators located in the southeast corner of the Dining Hall. Moments later, madness ensued as students fought, tooth-and-nail, for the glory of being crowned the rightful owner of the roll-up. The original discoverer of the roll-up is reportedly Lou Turner ’19. At the time of the unexpected finding, Turner was allegedly gathering provisions from the new refrigerators as his allergies to eggs, milk, soy, dairy, meat, legumes, grains, nuts, oils, tubers, fungi, amino acids, leaves and molecules prevent consumption of every...
  • Deirdrgre Finds a Job...

    Dierdre felt an icy chill of dread infuse her gut, turning her already deathly cold skin even colder. For Diere had realized that she would have to find a job. And though Dieder had many skills due to her unique abilities and the challenging experiences she had undergone, these would not prepare her. For Deedee’s entire life had been centered around Vampyre Slayer, which was her one true Calling, passed down through generations of her family. Even when this slight and frail looking yet icely beautiful girl had been turned into a vampyre by her former Lover, she continued to...
  • Beer CAFOs to be Phased Out

    CHARLES BENSON BEAR CENTER - Recently, the Grinnell College Athletics Department announced that they will slowly be phasing out the Beer CAFO programs and will allow athletes to consume substances other than alcohol. Beer CAFOs, or Concentrated Athlete Feeding Operations that utilize beer and other forms of alcohol, have been a mainstay on Grinnell College; however, huge backlash from the campus community has worn the administration down. “The most well-known Beer CAFO on campus is probably the Tennis House,” explained Beer CAFO activist Shannon Chi ’16. “You can always hear them shrieking and whimpering from inside the building . ....
  • Alice Ignites Intellectual Curiosity

    CLEVE BEACH, 4:20 P.M. - A class of second and third graders from Grinnell were surprised to find that Grinnell College’s Ignite program offered a special topics class taught by college students partaking in the Alice party. “Today was the best class ever!” said seven year old Tony Rodriguez. “I learned about space!” Ignite head coordinator Lauren Teckie elaborated on how this came about. “We were forced to cancel painting, our most popular class, last minute. I then happened to see a group of students drawing with chalk on the south campus patio. I asked them if they’d share with...
  • welp

    I know that I come off as the person on campus who always has something to laugh about, but Grinnell has never been an easy place for me to exist. If I had to sum up these past four years in brief, I would say it has been a winning battle. Not the kind that makes you pump your fist in triumph, but the kind that drains all of your energy so that by the time you’re done all you want to do is sleep for a month. In my first year I was plagued constantly with the idea that...

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    Issue 7, Volume 26

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