In This Fantastic Issue of March 18 2016

  • Spring Officially Breaks

    With the all-too-terrible, inevitable arrival of Daylight Savings time change came another, even more drastic event. Last Sunday, the season of Spring had a breakdown. Currently, Spring is being treated by SHACS, who released a Campus Memo on Wednesday stating that Spring is in “critical condition.” According to experts, Spring had been showing signs of malfunction for quite some time leading up to the incident. “This event hasn’t exactly been unanticipated, considering global warming and all . . .it was only a matter of time before Spring collapsed,” lamented a grim Facilities Management staff member Izz Gone. “All the signs...
  • March 2016 Science Bulletin

    Nature: Interdisciplinary study conducted by Pennsylvania State, Harvard, and Texas A&M concludes that all humans suck. Follow up study concludes that dolphins suck as much as if not 1.2 to 1.5 times more. Journal of the American Medical Association: Meta-analysis concludes that Web MD diagnoses conditions more effectively than physicians in 25% of cases. Watching House was found to have a statistically insignificant effect. Watching Grey’s Anatomy may be a slight cancer risk, though further research is recommended. Annual Review of Astronomy and Astrophysics: Preliminary results suggest it may be possible to surf Gravitational Waves if you had a hypothetical...
  • A Letter From The Grill(e) Freezer

    Yeah yeah yeah, it’s me. Adam Silverman, yadda yadda yadda, no introduction necessary. Everybody knows me. I’m Grinnell College’s favorite grill freezer. In case you haven’t noticed, I am currently on strike and have not been working for over a week. You know what that means: No more of your precious mozz stix, french fries, or for you fancy pants out there, black bean quesadillas. You’ll have to stick to your not so big cookies and iced chais. I am so sorry for your tragic loss, truly. Whatever will you do without my glorified frozen “food” made out of “real”...
  • Dibble Residents Seek Refuge After Flood

    DIBBLE–After Dibble residents were forced out of their dorm by a flood early Saturday morning, they received a harsh welcome from the rest of campus. According to eyewitness accounts, the Dibble refugees, many of whom had only the presence of mind to grab backpacks, game systems, or blankets from their rooms, first attempted to find shelter in surrounding dorms like Clark, Cowles, and, in their confused state, Norris. Although a few students were initially allowed into surrounding dorms, all three dorms quickly blocked their entrances. Said Emma Jackson 18’, a Clark SA, “While I do believe I have a responsibility...
  • The Deighdre Saga - Deighdre Goes To Miami

    Deierdre spun in the warm, ocean mist scented breeze and adjusted her blood red sunhat, adorned with black roses she picked from her garden, and her Victorian gothic sundress fluttered as she looked with disdain at the college beachgoers. “Ugh,” Degired groaned. “I hate the beach.” Dreighdre hated the beach. But most of all, she hated the preps. She wanted to throw up. She didn’t even know why she was in Miami with all of these preps, but she knew she had to be here. The breeze picked up and as a wave crashed in the ocean, memories crashed upon...
  • NCAA Descends Upon Campus

    LITERALLY EVERYWHERE - They arrived last weekend. From across the nation, NCAA D-III Track and Field Championship athletes converged upon the Grinnell College campus. Though they were welcomed with open arms, nobody could have anticipated the damage they would inflict. Like locusts emerging from a seventeen-year slumber, they emerged sleepily from coach buses, blinking languidly in the weak slanting rays of March sunlight. Their eyes, red and beady, surveyed the landscape, taking in the manicured lawns and pristine edifices of campus. On spindly legs barely able to support their body weight, they began to advance like a puddle around a...
  • Like for Facebook Discussions

    The term “Discussion on facebook” is in itself an oxymoron, because that implies that a discussion can be had on Facebook. Here I am defining discussion to be “constructive dialogue where people interchange ideas in a peaceful way”. If instead discussion is defined to be “bunch of people angrily trying to impose their holier than thou attitude on strangers on the internet for the purpose of gaining attention from people in their facebook feed saying ‘ooh look at me i’m so awesome because I can use logical fallacies and misinterpret my opponents argument to the extreme to make them look...

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    Issue 4, Volume 26

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