In This Fantastic Issue of March 4 2016

  • Trustees Visit Campus for Networking Opportunity

    JRC 101 - Last week, the club—that is, the club of Grinnell College Trustees—went up on a Thursday as a van full of (what else?) Grinnell College Trustees rolled up to the JRC. They arrived right on time for a Last week, the Grinnell College Club of Trustees was treated to a weekend of networking with current students, the first event of the 3-day-long career-oriented fieldtrip at Grinnell. The networking evening was specifically designed with the aim of introducing Trustees to a wide variety of students with all majors and backgrounds, thus better preparing the Trustees for the professional world....
  • Security Officer Struggles with Local Time-Space Distortion

    CORNER OF EAST STREET AND 10th - The Grinnell College Security Office has been plagued by interesting weather phenomenon and appearances of mutant animals and discarded Outtake boxes. The cause of this, researchers have found, is a hole in the time-space continuum manifesting as a time vortex appeared a few feet above the roof. This has caused a local time distortion, leading time near the security office to run more slowly than time in the surrounding area. According to staff, this is not a new feature, Officer Brad Tucker said, “We’ve actually had a very tiny vortex for as long...
  • Senior Ex-Athletes Struggle

    THE BEAR - Senior athletes who have completed their final seasons are finding that once they leave the comfortable sweat-soaked cocoon, there’s no going back. The symptoms of athletic withdrawal can be devastating. Sarah Lopez, a former cross-country runner, bemoaned, “I feel so lonely and isolated without my team all around me. We always used to finish each other’s...” Here she paused, but nobody chimed in. Harry Cho, formerly of the men’s soccer team, also experiences difficulty with the separation. “Yesterday I went to the Bear to work out to forget my sadness, and it worked at first, but as...
  • SHACS Outsources to Massage Chair

    WELLNESS LOUNGE - After many students raised issues with the current healthcare available at SHACS, the administration has found several new solutions. According to RayKay, the most important edition to SHACS is the new massage chair in the Wellness Lounge. “All of our problems have been fixed,” said the singular SHACS nurse. “With the introduction of the new massage chair, SHACS no longer needs to worry about addressing any of the students’ concerns or needs ever again!” The new massage chair has more capabilities than a typical massage chair as well. There are two remotes: one for a massage, and...
  • HAIR//CUTS

    CAMPUS - We’ve all been on campus for a long time and you know what that means! It means that we all look really gross right now! At least I know I do! Hahahaha, I really need a haircut! My hair gets in my eyes and when I roll over in bed I can hear it crackling with static and it hurts to breathe sometimes and it’s really hard to comb! I know a lot of us have this problem so fear not, we’ve tested every hair cut option available to us right here in Grinnell!! First up is a...
  • 100 Days Party Takes a New Turn

    ELK LODGE - A tradition long cherished by fourth-years, 100 Days was held last weekend, at the Elk Lodge. Although the night is known for its promiscuity, copious alcohol and fun, students seemed to let loose in a different fashion this year. “Just arrived at 100 Days!” Macy MacCreedy ’16 exclaimed as she snapped a photo of herself standing outside of the lodge in a formal dress. “Looks like it’s time to post a snap! Hashtag so cute, hashtag what fun, hashtag 100 days!” Other students partook in the massive social media outpouring. Many were taking photos of the food,...
  • What Are You Doing After Graduation?

    Well, nobody said it would be easy, but here I am, watching Gmail in real time in the hope that one of my prospective employers will contact me, muttering “Please employ me please employ me please employ me please employ me” out loud and furiously chewing over-salted roasted pumpkin seeds, the husks sticking between my teeth to become tasty morsels for later. My reaction to “What are you doing after graduation?” has evolved from fear, to general annoyance, to wanting to throw my computer at a tile floor, to hysterical laughter, to fabricating stories about working as a double agent...

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    Issue 3, Volume 26

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