In This Fantastic Issue of February 19 2016

  • Self-Gov Eaters

    CAMPUS-The Grinnell College administration is under fire after rumors surfaced about they have been invoking dark powers to silence any mention of self governance. The information came out in the form of an online statement made by an anonymous author who claims to be a member of the Grinnell college administration. Among the information leaked is a list of contacts and messages between administration members and entities the source identified as “evil archvillains” such as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Sauron, House Lannister, and George W. Bush. The source discloses that tactics have been implemented, such as sending “Self-Gov Eaters” to track down anyone...
  • College Plans Zone of Effluence

    MIKE’S BIG SHOWER - To kick-start Grinnell College’s “zone of confluence” initiative, President Rayofsun recently announced the new plan to move all of the college’s bathrooms into town to “foster more student engagement with the community.” “I’m honored to develop the relationship our regal institution has with its townspeople!” he said while walking down Main Street with his shower caddy and Selsun Blue in one hand and his towel in the other. “What better way to pop the Grinnell bubble than by showering with your neighbor?” The zone of confluence is Grinnell’s attempt to blur the lines between the college...
  • gHarmony a Raging Success

    Ever since the disbandment of Chainz, a Grinnell tradition, many students faced a quandary. “I depend on Chainz to find any and all hookups,” Tyrone Wells ’16 explained. “For the past three years, I’ve waited outside for girls to leave Chainz disappointed with their match. And then I’d flirt with them!” However, with the dissolution of Chainz came a new opportunity: gHarmony. “We thought it might be more fun for the students to get pick each other, because college students always make great decisions,” gHarmony creator Gabriela Munoz ‘16 explained as they sifted through the three applications the organization eventually...
  • Merger Creates Grinnell College Country and Golf Club

    NORTH OF THE BEAR - Last week, an email was sent to the stu- dent body announcing that the Board of Trustees of Grinnell College signed a deal purchasing the Grin- nell Country and Golf Club. The new purchase officially merges the two institutions into The Grin- nell College Country and Golf Club, GCCGC. As soon as the new contract is signed, all students will officially become mem- bers of the Club College. The new college will be officially christened on June 1st at Arbor Lake. The contract will put into a place four new majors and two new concentra-...
  • OCS - Reaching for the Stars

    KUIPER BELT - The College has recently introduced a brand-new Off Campus Study opportunity available starting Fall 2016: Grinnell-In-Space. The first of its kind, GIS aims to expose participants to the harsh realities of the universe while they take rigorous, engaging courses in nearly any subject. Open to any and all majors, the GIS curriculum includes intriguing offerings such as Black Hole Postmodernism, Planetary Analysis, Introduction to Gravity, How to Moonwalk, Cosmopolitan Societies, and Caring For Your Vacuum 101. “I’ve already been everywhere on Earth either in person or on Pinterest, so Grinnell-In-Space seemed like a perfect fit,” gushes future...
  • Grinnellians Mourn Caucus Season

    HARRIS - The recent caucuses on February 2nd had huge student turnout—over nine hundred people were present at Harris Center alone. However, now that the caucuses are over, many students have reported a descent into ennui. “I just couldn’t bring myself to care about current events when I realized that I would not get to see any presidential candidates today,” stated Mary Jammer ‘19 as she slowly shredded the Grinnell Herald-Register. “My Docs are still covered in the dust left behind when the campaign buses hightailed out of here, and I don’t want to wipe off those memories.” The campus...
  • Sensitivity In Politics

    I first heard that Antonin Scalia had died when I was walking down a South Campus hallway and read “OMG Scalia dead!” written a whiteboard outside a dorm. While this is notably the first and likely the last time I will have gained useful information from the odd flashes of decorating motivation Grinnellians sometimes have, the very public, and very exclamatory message, did not sit well with me. After confirming the news, I truly believed that there would be at least a day of politicians and media taking a moment to let the facts sink in, and maybe release some...

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