In This Fantastic Issue of December 4 2015

  • Winter Waltz Fruit Funds Frozen

    MAIN QUAD – Flaky sources have stated that Waltz committee members are Snow-Conecerned by their chilling realization last year that people only come to Waltz for the fresh fruit. Last year, after weeks of work to make Waltz a real winter (mostly by setting up really ice decorations and by making sure that the dance instructor was a step above), the Waltz Committee froze in their tracks after seeing that the conga line to the fruit had more people than the slick dance floor. Committee member Nemo Frost complained, “Waltz was supposed to be about sledding across the floor to...
  • Special Topics Course Teaches Skill of Staying Awake

    JCC - Grinnell College will offer a new Special Topic course in the Spring 2016 semester, BLS-295: Professor Lives, co-taught by Professors Dominique Smith and Ella Livestein. The course is designed to help students be able to critically engage with the world by introducing them to a scenario where a professor will endlessly drone on about their lives and their achievements while students have to feign interest and engagement with the material. “This course was a long time coming,” says Dominique Smith, chair of the newly-created Bullshit-Life Skills department . “BLS-295 will teach students invaluable life skills. The average person’s...
  • Scheduling Flaw Stymies Grinnellians For Rubio

    HYVEE AND BROWNELLS – Facing crowds as large as twenty people, Senator and presidential candidate Marco Rubio visited Grinnell last Tuesday as part of a trip through Iowa. He stopped at HyVee and Brownells during his visit. While many at the college had planned on going to the event, due to a scheduling miscommunication no students attended. According to student Shiri Walker ‘19, “On Facebook it said Rubio was visiting on the 25th. I was excited to go and I invited all of my friends to the event. I really got into it, I posted something on my Timeline and...
  • Grinnell Revises Miner Policy

    November 10th - Grinnell recently announced a new policy change that will make it easier to regulate and protect miners on campus, as described in the Campus Memo. According to the memo, the goal of the program is to “protect the safety of the miners.” Surprisingly, this policy change centers around only seven Grinnellians. “We were having some issues.” Doc, head of the miners, explained. “Some of the professors wouldn’t let us bring our pickaxes to class. And when we started singing about washing our hands, students just stared at us.” Patricia Singer, a CLS staff member, explained. “Since the...
  • Grinnell Kicks Holiday Season

    In years past, the town of Grinnell has kicked off the holiday season with several holiday-themed events, such as caroling and Jingle Bell Holiday. This year, however, the town has decided to take a different approach to the holidays. Rather than kicking off the season, the town has instead decided to kick the season. “We have decided to change things up a little,” stated a Grinnell City resident, as their friend set a Christmas tree on fire. Several of the events underwent a name change in preparation for this historic celebration. For example, “Jingle Bell Holiday” has been changed to...
  • Crows Descend on Black Friday Sales

    MCNALLY’S - The staff of Grinnell’s most luxurious grocery store were not particularly surprised on Black Friday to attract a great number of crows with their excellent discounts. The sales attracted patrons from all across Poweshiek County. “Sure, I can get food for cheap at WalMart or HyVee,” squawked George Harold Consiglio-Johnson as he browsed the produce. “But I like to know that what I’m regurgitating into the mouths of my kids is organic and sustainably grown. It just tastes better when you know that it’s good for the planet.” However, individuals from much farther away also felt inclined to...
  • Rantings of a Frustrated Jew during the Holiday Season

    Well, it’s that time of the year again. I officially can’t walk into a store or turn on the radio without being bombarded by the “Christmas spirit”. Ever since I discovered at the age of five that the majority of the society in which I exist is not Jewish, I have felt distinctly uncomfortable during the solid month of the year that is devoted to celebrating the birth of Jesus. “But it’s so secularized!” people argue. “It’s just a part of American culture!” Well sure, maybe to some extent, but isn’t that just a reminder that my own culture is...

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