In This Fantastic Issue of November 20 2015

  • Orchestra Concert Doesn't Fail to Arouse

    SEBRING-LEWIS - Students and faculty gathered together late last Saturday to celebrate one of Grinnell College’s most anticipated, scandalous, and sexiest nights of the year. Loud music, minimal clothing, and flying dolla billz can only mean one thing: Orchestra Concert. As soon as the lights dimmed, shit. went. down. Dvorak’s New World Symphony consisted of an hour and forty-five minutes of orgasmic hip gyrating music. The show opened with a crowd favorite by the one and only Staccato Your Dick in Me with her classic rendition of “Talk Wind Ensemble To Me.” Most audience members began whooping and screaming in...
  • Ginkgo Tree Unwilling to Give Away Secrets

    MAC FIELD - The Grinnell Administration has decided to curb the noxious fumes emanating from the campus’s resident Ginkgo tree, located outside the JRC on the edge of Mac Field, by placing a corded string around the tree that will encourage the tree’s smell to stay away from students. “The string will hopefully hold back the odors coming from the tree, allowing students to walk safely by,” said an administrative spokesperson, who expressed “reasonable confidence” that these measures would work. Critics say this approach was in line with the approaches the administration has taken towards race issues and sexual assault...
  • Dining Hall Serves Up a Plate of Racism

    DINING HALL - Recently, a new controversy has arisen in the much talked about Grinnell Dining Hall. Students are complaining that the foods served are “racist.” “I tried to grab a cupcake, but it immediately donned a sombrero and starting screaming racial epithets,” stated aggrieved Nicole Jameson ‘18. Dining Hall workers have tried in vain to subdue the extremely racist foods. “I mean this is just exhausting. The food is out of control,” sighed student worker Darren Tso ‘17, after trying to muffle an orange that was attempting to proclaim that one of its best friends is black. Students are...
  • The Deirdre Saga; Deirdre Goes to Summer Camp

    Dheidra looked around her, hair cascading over her pale shoulders and bouncing off her somber skin. Her melancholy knew no bounds. In her youth, before the transformation, she had enjoyed summer camp and the carefreeness of running around like an unleashed creature of the deep, but now she could only look on with nostalgia, unable to relive her youth, before the transformation. The sun made it too dangerous for her to venture into the summer camp, since it threatened to ruin her complexion. For now she could only look on at the happy summer goers, envying their happiness and ability...
  • Architects Reveal Further Details for ARH/Carnegie

    JRC 101 - This Wednesday, the architectural firm LMP (Last Minute Planning) released their final designs for the new ARH and Carnegie buildings. Grinnell College hired the firm to design new buildings to replace the existing ones, just in time for the next crop of eager young pupils, beginning with the class of 2024. The architects in charge of the project visited campus to present their plans for the first time to an audience of students and staff in the JRC. “It’s gonna be cooler than any other building ever!” said Project Director Jennifer Hamster, kicking off the presentation. “It’s...
  • SGA Discovers Gold Stash

    SGA Offices – Earlier this week, facilities management staff, while doing a routine carpet cleaning and asbestos removal of the Student Government Association offices, accidently dislodged a corner of the floor and discovered 350 gold bars hidden beneath SGA. Upholding a spirit of self-gov stronger than can be found at any Harris party, FM staff left the gold bars as they were and promptly called SGA cabinet members, who convened a midnight meeting. Said Chair of Residence Affairs Kimmy Orwell, “We were all, of course, shocked, to find these gold bars hidden beneath the floorboard. We were also uneasy, as...
  • This is Not a Personal Attack Aimed at You

    “You support eugenics, what’s wrong with you?” “You do know that what you are arguing for is racist, right?” “Can you just leave?” “You’re just a stupid liberal hippie who doesn’t know what they are talking about” “Can you believe what this racist asshole in my class said?” These are but a few of statements I have heard or seen in my trek through Grinnell College. What do they have in common? They are attempts to stifle conversation instead of propagating it. Bla bla bla, typical argument from a white guy who is whining about how his freedom of speech...

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    Issue 6, Volume 25

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