In This Fantastic Issue of November 6 2015

  • Students Find Salvation in Grinnell

    8th STREET, GRINNELL - This week, Grinnell received a number of mid-semester transfers with a surprising background. The Heaven or Heck Church of Christ, located in Sheolsgate, Indiana, visited Grinnell this week, and many of the members decided to stay on campus. “Now I’ve finally seen the light,” Simon Petersberg ’19 exclaimed as he donned a pair of non-prescription glasses, “I’m meant to explore the liberal arts after all!” Petersberg and eleven of his followers had visited Grinnell to preach the advantages of gender inequality in the workplace, and also talk about God some. Although they initially hoped to save...
  • Hillary Brings Self-Gov To World

    HARRIS CENTER, NOVEMBER 3 - Secretary of State and Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton visited Grinnell College to discuss her campaign platform, which largely builds upon the one proposed by Bernie Sanders during his September visit to Grinnell. “I’ll admit the old coot is headed in the right direction by proposing to instill Self-Governance as a primary value of our nation,” she said in her opening remarks. “But as Secretary of State, I believe that it is possible, nay, imperative, nay, our duty, to deliver Self-Gov to the world!” Clinton then proceeded to outline her plan to spread Self-Gov across...
  • Halloween Is Real

    GRINNELL - For all college students, Halloween is a night of free candy, cheap alcohol and racially insensitive costumes. Yet this Halloween, the danger became real for some students when an outbreak of the zombie virus hit campus. The zombie virus, which has several varying stages ranging from mild (slurred speech and a dependency on coffee to function in daily life) to severe (inability to walk followed by a taste for human brains), may have been imported into Grinnell after Fall Break. Students speculate that the outbreak may have begun at Halloween Harris, where Jansen Crane ’19, was reported to...
  • Grinnell Prize Losers Share Stories

    HERRICK CHAPEL - Last Tuesday night, Grinnell College hosted two Grinnell Prize winners to speak in Harrick Chapel on their work in public welfare and education. The following night, President R.Nerdy Kington invited two former Grinnell Prize Losers to speak on how to cope with scraping by. They also spoke in the chapel to a packed audience, each speaker with their own podium. “Yeah, I didn’t win the Grinnell Prize. Not by a long shot,” opened Frank Carrot ’82. “Ah, I had such big dreams as a college student. I wanted to open up a slingshot outlet; with really practical...
  • Grinnell College Emboriled in EventGate Scandal

    JRC - Grinnell College has recently decided to place images of flowers in the display screens in the Joe Rosenfield ’25 Center. Although many interpret this as a new artistic touch, sources within the administration claim that this innocuous change is part of a much larger conspiracy. An administrative employee, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “You may have noticed that the flower pictures have replaced all of the event calendars in JRC. You may think that this was just bad planning on our part, but actually that was our goal. The college is engaging in a strategy to reduce...
  • Administration Proposes Anti-Disparity Measures

    Grinnell College has unveiled a series of plans to target racial disparity in arrests and drug violations. “All across the nation, we see that African-Americans are incarcerated at nearly 6 times the rate of their Caucasian counterparts,” President Kington. “Even at Grinnell College, African-Americans are arrested for drug offenses and charged three times more than whites, despite being a much smaller component of the student body. “As an institution that advocates for social justice, we cannot just stand back and hypocritically do nothing whilst these injustices go on. For this reason, we, along with the Grinnell Police Department, have come...
  • Give it a Rest

    You may have heard, a few times or perhaps 25 times, during admissions talks or your days as a prospie or from your professors, or you complaining to your friends in incoherent sentences at 3:00a.m., that Grinnell classes are hard. Then you add in extracurriculars, work, applying for internships or summer programs, applying for more work, and not being that person who never goes to anything. And then there are the unfortunate other basic necessities, like washing your clothes and then drying them two times before giving up. So it’s no surprise to me that I’ve been feeling pretty busy...

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