In This Fantastic Issue of October 2 2015

  • Supermoon Eclipse Ruse to get Students to go to Damn Observatory

    OBSERVATORY - The Grinnell College administration created an elaborate, multi-million dollar hoax in order to get students to visit the observatory this past Sunday. “We opened up the observatory in 1984, but then started really ballin’ out in ’85, so everybody, including the administration, forgot about it for twenty years.” said President Reynerd Kang-thang. “In 2004 we found it steeped in cobwebs and used condoms. An especially articulate and prophetic English major had written, ‘You lost the game!’ on the telescope’s big lens. We were mortified!” For several years, the administration desperately tried to make the observatory popular, reinventing it...
  • H2Oh No! We Want an Aquarium!

    This week, we are proud to run a special guest article by the Pun Hall! For more information, contact [prosesports] For those of you not up on current events, there is something fishy about this college. A tuna complaints are rippling through campus about the lack of a student-run aquarium, as it is a reelly big problem on which the administration porpoisely refuses to comment. Students are understandably crabby, and a large number of fish-lovers are coming out of their shells and drowning in a sea of sorrow. Now, the wave of affirmation has crested, and many campus organizations are...
  • Parents Disappointed in their Children's Moderation

    CLEVELAND BEACH - Grinnell College prepared many family appropriate activities for Family Weekend, including a historical tour, a bagel brunch, and various concerts. Parents were suitably unimpressed. Neither rural Iowa nor the campus climate met the parents’ expectations. “Where is the vodka?!” said an exasperatedly sober Betty Baxter. “I haven’t seen a single red solo cup since I arrived here.” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, academics are important, but so are body shots,” huffed Billy Babbins. “I did sit-ups for a year for this body, and not a single person drank out of my navel this weekend.” “In my day, pre-gaming began...
  • Grinnellians Rush Advising Week

    SECOND FLOOR OF THE JRC - This year, Grinnell hosted its first Advising week. The intent was to inform students of the multiple opportunities, majors and concentrations that Grinnell provides. “We figured it was time to start treating the second years like members of our Grinnell society,” Associate Dean Carol Chambers explained. “I mean, they’re basically the redheaded stepchildren of the college, so we decided to throw them a bone.” The week began on Monday September 21st, when SEPC members from each department tabled for their respective majors in the JRC. Not only did the tables feature important details about...
  • First Year Plague Sweeps Campus

    SOMEWHERE UNDER A THICK PILE OF BLANKETS - As an adult human, I have experienced being sick before. I’ve had the requisite strep throat, ear infections, and colds. However, recently I experienced my first bout of what I can only assume was some distant relative of swine flu. Most of my other classmates were also ill, however, they had been afflicted with the stomach flu or common cold. The Fever Disease that I had was different. I fell ill on a Thursday, although I functioned normally until Thursday night. Once the fever struck, I was officially out of commission for...
  • Drug Prices Get Sky High

    SOUTH LOGGIA - Due to a recent change in leadership of the Grinnell College drug market, the price of one gram of marijuana on campus has risen from $20 to $840, dealers report. Marijuana, a substance used to treat the common student ailment of overcommitment, is the drug of choice for most Grinnellians, used by an estimated 42% of the student body. According to an anonymous source, the price hike can be attributed to the matriculation of one Alice Stone to the class of 2019. Stone, who hails from Boulder, Colorado. controls all the inflow of ganja into Grinnell College,...
  • Some Thoughts on 10/10

    For those who don’t know, 10/10 is the traditional Grinnellian drinking marathon party that begins in Norris and concludes on High Street. It’s a privilege that we , as self- governing adults, have earned, and is arguably one of the most talkedabout events on campus. And sometimes I feel weird about it. Let me preface this by saying that I am not opposed to the idea of 10/10 on its own. It’s a cool concept— an outdoor moving party where everyone is invited and social barriers are broken down. It’s the drinking culture that makes me uneasy. I’m not sub-free,...

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