In This Fantastic Issue of September 18 2015

  • Train Refuses to Accept Self-Gov

    TRAIN TRACKS - As the weeks after New Student Orientation pass by, students are settling down into their coursework and activities. A glaring exception is the noticeably stressed state of the school’s student advisors. After helping first years become acclimated to the culture of the campus through numerous community value sessions, floor meetings, and resource tours, the team of appointed second, third, and fourth years realized that one member of the Grinnell team had not been properly assimilated. The Train, an institution at Grinnell College, seen and heard running through campus daily, remained blissfully unaware of the nine tenets of...
  • Netflix and Chill Just Got Easier

    CYBERSPACE - Flixer, a new app designed by Grinnellians, has taken the student body by storm, and revolutionized the way we “Netflix and Chill.” Flixer is a social media platform designed to match users based on their Netflix interests. Utilizing the amazing swipe technology, accepting or rejecting others is easier than ever. “Everybody wants to watch Netflix,” explains Flixer founder Joshua Graham, “and what we designed is a way to get around all that awful waffling.” Flixer allows users to create a profile with information such as their favorite TV shows, preferred snack food, watching habits, etc. to advertise themselves...
  • Harris Parties Sell Out to Corporations

    HARRIS CENTER - Due to the popularity and huge success of the Harris Disney Bangerz party, corporations are now vying for the attention of Grinnell College. Representatives from major corporations in the areas of entertainment, news, and even food are converging on campus to prove that they are the fairest one of all. “We believe that our shows like SpongeBob and the Fairly Oddparents have a certain type of nightlife flair over Disney,” said the Nickelodeon representative. “For example, Trixie Tang has a more realistic sex appeal than, say, a woman with fins or an ice-queen that can freeze your...
  • Deez Nuts Takes Smounker By Storm

    POPULAR PLACES FOR STUDENTS TO HANG OUT-Deez Nuts, the independent presidential candidate from Iowa, recently withdrew his name from the presidential ballot to officially endorse Bernie Sanders. Many have speculated that the underlying reason for his decision was his realization of the difficulty a third party faces in our severely gridlocked two-party political system. It thus came as no surprise to see the announced candidacy of “Deez Nuts” in the Smounker cluster senate race. Fortunately for Nuts, Grinnell has a pluralist approach to its elections and campaigns. In many ways, Nuts has found a space and public through which he...
  • SHACS Doles Out Free Menstrual Products

    SHACS - Recent demand for free menstrual products has risen so high that SHACS is now offering them for free. “After the lock-picking incident and numerous student protests, we decided that offering free pads and tampons was the only option. Anyway, we give out free condoms, so why wouldn’t we give out free tampons and pads?” Shanna Newman, a nurse at SHACS, explained as she displayed a new case filled with sample products. These products are in such high demand that SHACS has created a menstrual calendar filled with each female-bodied students menstruation week. Students will be granted access to...
  • CLS Alumni Scandal Revealed

    CLS - The Grinnell College administration has been rocked by accusations that Grinnell College has been paying actors to pose as Grinnell alumni. In what people are now referring to as the AlumniGate scandal, the CLS stands accused of bringing low-profile Hollywood actors to campus to recite a pre-written poll-tested script, so as to convince students and parents that the ‘laissez-faire’ teaching style of Grinnell College works. “It’s all simple economics” John Ehrlichman, an expert in college finance and public relations, said. “Grinnell College offers a teaching style that, to most of the Western world, seems like bullshit: paying over...
  • Dealing with Homophobia

    As far as queer people go, I have been pretty lucky. I came out at Grinnell, where my identity has always been accepted and respected, and my family has only ever been supportive, or at the very least wellmeaning, in the case of a comment from my grandmother about how I probably wouldn’t have wanted a ruffled miniskirt for Hanukkah (I did not). But I also knew that outside of my sheltered world, a lot of people have it a lot worse, and it terrified me. Even among my peers, people swapped stories of slurs and bullying. And seeing pictures...

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    Issue 2, Volume 25

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