In This Fantastic Issue of September 4 2015

  • Students Housed By Sorting Hat

    HARRIS CENTER – With the newest wave of first years starting at Grinnell, another year commences–but this time with a twist. Students piled into Harris Center at the start NSO for the first ever Sorting Ceremony. Not a sound could be heard as President Aynardray Ingtonkay placed a crocheted and shabby beanie upon a stool positioned in the middle of the stage. Stringently divided up into their separate campuses by seating section, returning students began to whisper as the first years standing in line glanced fervently around them–some trembling, others wearing looks of terror on their faces. Silence returned to...
  • Peat Bog Mummy Joins Class of 2019

    MAIN LOUNGE - The Grinnell Office of Admissions is proud to welcome a bright new organism into the Class of 2019. This 11,018 year-old primitive human had been mummified in a peat bog on the plains of Western Siberia before it was discovered one year ago by Grinnell admissions staff. Boris Glubar, the admissions representative sent on a recruiting tour through northern Europe, tripped over the perfectly preserved corpse on his trek to St. Petersburg. Said Glubar, “In my defensive panic, I apologized profusely to the foggy, methanereeking green mass.” As it turns out, “I’m sorry” linguistically translates into the...
  • First Years Overflow Housing

    ALL OVER CAMPUS - As the 2015-2016 academic year gets fully underway, Grinnell College finds itself once again shrouded in controversy. Once the class of 2019 completed NSO and slowly became accustomed to becoming part of the “tree¬huggin’, Bernie lovin’ community” that characterizes Grinnell College, they found themselves being crammed into campus dorms at alarming rates. Due to the size of Grinnell College’s incoming first ¬year class, the Grinnell Administration has decided that the newbies at the bottom of the totem pole would be sardine-packed into campus dorms. Tactics utilized by the administration include converting doubles to triples, triples to...
  • First Year Stems 2019

    Hi, [2019] We believe that you are the future. And not just because we are aware that we are confined to a linear concept of time as three-dimensional creatures. We don’t know you, and you don’t know us, and you don’t know each other, so memorize these and use them as icebreakers when you meet each other. Love and salutations, from The B&S, respectively Lauren Acker is a direct descendent of Josiah B. Grinnell. Anisha Agarwalla is done with the Bachelorette after last season. Anna Ahrens has the most posts on the 2019 Facebook group. Ala Akkad is still not...
  • Concerts To Have On Your Radar

    GARDNER - Grinnell is known for hosting the best in indie music in free concerts for students. Here are seven we’re extra excited to see take the stage: DJ L0Inss: The leading name in the Jersey Club genre offshoot New Hampshire Club, DJ L0Inss brings that infamous Concord bass sound to your night’s soundtrack of Dionysian indulgence and disreputable debauchery. The B&S staff fully recommends you come damage your inner ear to DJ L0Inss electronic bleeps and bloops. Brynnen and the Blood Tears: The Blood Tears’ 2014 LP “I Guess It’s Supposed To Sound Like Mostly Fuzz” was deemed one...
  • Burling Confirmed Haunted

    BOORLING LIBRARY - Ever since the dawn of Burling Library, there have always been rumors of Burling Floor being haunted by a mischievous ghost affectionately known as “Prankstergiest”. Though always written off as a “nonsense” and “something to scare first years”, new evidence has surfaced to suggest that the existence of a ghost on the third floor of Burling Library may well be true. “Oh yeah there’s definitely a ghost,” said third year Kelly Loafer. “I kept running out of pencil lead, and I had to walk all the way to the bookstore to get more.” According to new testimonies...
  • Bernie Brings Self-Gov To Nation

    CENTRAL PARK, 3:15 p.m. SEPTEMBER 3- During his stop in Grinnell, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders declared Thursday that he was adding Grinnell College’s “Self-Gov” policy to his platform. Said Sanders, “My first day in office, I will call a national state of “Self-Gov” to kick off my grassroots people’s revolution.” The announcement bewildered members of both the Democratic and Republican parties; however a majority of High Street residents speedily endorsed it. Grinnell President Reynerd Kengten describes self-governance as “a philosophy that motivates students to keep their behavior in check for the good of their community rather than just to avoid...
  • What I Wish I Knew as a First Year

    In my first year at Grinnell, I tried to dive right into new classes, new friends, and new activities, and managed to present myself as a cheerful and comfortable person. But on the inside, I was struggling. The transition to was much more difficult than I had expected, old mental health problems were back with a vengeance, and I discovered that I had social anxiety, which made even the simplest interactions sources of great distress. The trouble is, there was no quick fix. I could join a new club or sit with new people in the D-Hall, but I still...

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    Issue 1, Volume 25

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