CONSTRUCTION SITES - After a number of students were found to have entered the ARH and Mac Field Construction Sites, the college administration was forced to take drastic action. “This is absolutely unacceptable,” said administrator Andie Conway. “What an egregious breach of self-governance and what it means to be a Grinnellian. Like, for one thing, it’s called the Humanities and Social Studies Complex! How many times do we have to say it! It’s not the “ARH” construction it’s the “HSSC” construction!”

“We care very deeply for the students in our community,” said Conway. “We know that TitHead this year was really controversial for the [REDACTED], but we’re more concerned about the number of videos that depicted people in construction. Unacceptable!” As a result, the administration begun implementing a variety of measures to keep the construction [and students] safe, including “state of the art video surveillance” and “white men in go-karts.” Most strikingly, however, is the threat of suspension for any students “with the gall to step into the construction sites.” “We will do whatever it takes to keep our students safe,” said the Office of Student Affairs. “We will spend all the money we have to keep you guys safe [as long as it doesn’t actually inconvenience us or make Grinnell College look bad in anyway].” Indeed, the College has revealed that it has been forced by the reckless actions of students to spend even more money to keep construction running smoothly. “This has nothing to do with our poor fund management skills,” said Financial Director Joseph Ferguson. “If people are willing to donate to, I don’t know, a fund that supports young writers and journalists at Grinnell, they should be willing to donate to this construction too! We shouldn’t have to feel bad for pestering these people for construction money. It’s for the common good.”

Student response has been mixed. Many students are incredibly grateful for what they perceive to be an increase in institutional support. “I can’t believe the college cares this much about us,” said George Remington ’20, between sobs. “There are security guards protecting the crane round-the-clock, just for us! They’re doing this! For us!!”

Many other students, however, are less than impressed. “Oh yeah, it’s awesome that the administration will kick out students who go into the construction site but students who have assaulted people? Nope, I guess they can stay!” said Yuki Ota ’18. “They will do whatever it takes to keep us safe, yep. The crane is the biggest threat to campus, for sure.” Many students share similar sentiments, wondering how the adminstration has the nerve to say they “will do whatever necessary to keep [us] safe” while blatantly ignoring their pleas for help. “I guess we’re going to have to wait for another ‘change of heart’ from President King, huh?” said Albert McGregor ‘17. “Although I guess it’s not like that “change of heart on mental health issues” really did us any good anyway.”

The adminstration and construction task forces remain unfazed by the backlash. In fact, they have doubled down on efforts to “protect” students. “We’ve put all our security guards in contact with psychiatrists to help them cope with the burden of being responsible for the safety of the crane. And the students too, of course,” said Conway.

Most recently, a press release stated “the safety of McGough’s workers from all you malicious 21 year olds is the school’s top concern. Practice self- gov, for once in your life.” Said press release also revealed that in addition to suspension, students caught trespassing on construction sites may be subject to “secular crucifixion, to show everyone what happens when you endanger the lives of the people the college truly cares about.”