An apocalypse was unwittingly initiated by a fourth year who decided to mess with the social order by not sitting in their usual place in class.
The chaos started when Justin Garcia ’17 sat down in a chair 3 places to the right of his usual seating arrangement in his Sociology of Social Movements class.
“Yeah, at first I thought he was going to talk to a friend, or he saw a Starburst on the ground or something.” A traumatized Elena Smith ’19 related. “But it was clear he had… other intentions.”
According to witnesses, Garcia confidently straddled the chair and began pulling out notebooks and pencils from his bag, all the while listening to “I Like To Move It.” Other students tried to use subtle gestures to get Garcia to move, but to no avail.
“I sat waiting behind him for a total of 5 seconds. In pure silence and with an angry glare.” Jacob Brown ’18 said. “He did not pick up the hint. Like, not at all.”
What unfolded next can only be described as a bloodbath. As Brown moved to another seat, they displaced yet another student, who was forced to sit in a seat in the back, messing up the Jessica-Lucy-Lucas clique. The clique, now bereft of their morning dose of Grille coffee and gossip to sustain them, had to move to opposite ends of the room, with the consequence that Lucas sat near the middle, severely upsetting his new neighbor who was used to having an open space next to her to store her backpack in a location that was both aesthetically pleasing and was within reach. The kid then started sweating profusely, which upset the germaphobe of the class so much that they were compelled to move, perpetuating the vicious cycle. By the time the professor came in, it was too late.
“Chaos”. Professor Leery of Sociology describes, while polishing his glasses with a trembling hand. “Pure and utter chaos. Some students sat silently, shell-shocked. Others invaded the personal space and started making strange worm noises and movements. One couple broke up. It was bad.”
It was only thanks to the timely intervention of campus security that the panic did not extend beyond that fated room in ARH. The room is out of bounds, the affected students are receiving therapy, and Justin Garcia has been labelled as a threat to the peace.
“Just–don’t do it. Don’t sit in a seat other than the one you were destined on the first day of classes” Leery sobbed.