Famous Silicon Valley star Kumail Nanjiani attended Grinnell to give a pre-graduation talk. Droves of students turned out for the speech; however, many of students had different motives.

The speech itself was fairly remarkable. Every other slide contained the words “FUCK GRINNELL” written in light yellow letters and displayed over a neon yellow background. Most students agree it was incredibly affirming.

“Does anyone have any questions?” Nanjiani asked at the end of his speech. Instantly, several hands shot up in one particular section of the room.

“How does one begin working in Silicon Valley? As a first-year, I’ve had two internships at Fortune 500 companies, but I’m still worried,” Crossely Chambers ‘20 explained.

It seems that many of the students mistakenly believed that Nanjiani actually worked in Silicon Valley and had formulated their questions accord ingly. However, Nanjiani stars in a television show entitled Silicon Valley.

This led to confusion.

“Have you ever met Bill Gates? If so, can you put in a good word for me?” Phillipa Grace ‘19 inquired. Nanjiani stated that he had not, but eats lunch every Thursday with Britney Spears.

The talk resulted in many disappointed students.

“The whole talk was so disappointing. He kept talking about television and writing…it was like he’d never worked in Silicon Valley at all,” Chambers stated.

Other students were concerned about Nanjiani’s credentials.

“I kept asking him where else he’d worked, but he only mentioned The Colbert Report and Franklin & Bash…are Franklin and Bash some tech company that no one has heard of? Oh god, maybe it’s a start up!” Grace hurried away, frantically typing at their phone.

The speech’s attendees were incredibly annoyed with their peers.

“I wanted to hear about his time on SNL. It was only a cameo, but still…” Amber Hyland ‘20 stated as she hurried away from the lecture.

Even Nanjiani’s professors were confused.

“Our computer science department prepares its students for a very adequate career being figuratively chained to their desks as they complete complex code for our future robot overlords,” Professor Pixeot of the Computer Science department stated. “Nanjiani seems to be enjoying life. This is rather concerning.”

When asked whether or not he was annoyed, Nanjiani seemed unfazed.

“Well, I’m kind of surprised. I thought more people had heard of it. Though to be fair, most Grinnellians will eschew the truth in favor of their own illusion.” Nanjiani stated. “I kind of wish they’d stop calling me mediocre, though. I’m living my dream and making a ton of money doing it!”

Nanjiani’s lunch was also lackluster. Although twenty-eight students had signed up to meet him, only six attended.

“I kept asking him how quickly he could write out ‘FizzBuzz’,” Dawkins Hong ‘17 shook their head in disappointment. “He asked me if I wanted his autograph. So weird…”