The B&S Presents… Deighdre Gets Married. Our vampire, vampire
slayer slaying heroine’s
big day approaches. But
will everything go as she planned? Let’s find out…

Deedra looked at herself in the mirror. Or rather, she pretended to look at herself in the mirror for the sake of her inferior human bridesmaids, for she could not look in the mirror, given that she was a vampire. As she brushed her satanically dark hair from her snowflake dress, she gave an appraising nod to Lord Hoopyville, her owl companion. Now was the time.

With a sigh, she walked down the stairs, making sure to put an extra flair in her spin as she nonchalantly spun down the stairs to the entrance of the church. The place where she was supposed to marry Percivious the Fourth, Earl of Doncaster.

At least that was what her mission was before the Betty Drama ordeal.

Poor Betty. But now was not the time to think of her acid-drenched face screaming lesbian slurs at the sky while rotting beneath an auburn sky. Now was the time for action.

As the bridesmaids filed in front of her in a soliptic line, Deegra checked under her silly human robes for the crossbow. Yes, it was still there. Feigning a bright smile, she entered the church, where she hoped she wouldn’t burn.

Deedee took a deep breath. And another. Then one more. And another. And one more. And one more. She lifted her eyes to the highest rafter in the chapel, and then down across to Percival’s face slowly dripping off into the thousands of candles lining the alter. By now she was halfway there. This is my, I mean our, moment Dodel thought in her heart. The guests bowed down and froze into stones as she passedwith each step of a vampyre about to be wed. She made it to the altar. Percival’s face, melted on the ground, looked up at her. Say your vows and his face will return the priest, who also had no face, told her in a chanting murmur. I shall Derder spoke, her voice level despite the sheer annoyance of the situation. Hurry up, Percival whispered back. The audience held their breath like frosted fish mid-gulp, waiting.

At the speed of the un-dead, everyone fast forwarded to the reception, to a more relaxed time. But! Nobody realized that Duff and Perpy were missing. With the stealth of a fresh wound, the two snuck to grab a bite from a deliveryman on the curb outside. They had to quench their thirst before the holy night.

Now that the terrible but somehow incredibly beautiful ceremony was over, Derpydoo was finally ready to enjoy her reception. Dlackdyeddeas was full of relief and love. Cakes lined the floor and all Dingleberry and Percival’s friends and families and foes were on the dance floor. A slight drip of blood trickled down Percival’s cheek, from the dangerous snack he consumed just moments before. Dreadlock gave Perpituff a knowing wink: this was a secret that they would share for all eternity. The two grasped claws and sunk their teeth into one another on the dance floor. The crowd oohed and ahhed but little did they know that this would be their last celebratory patriarchal traditional heteronormative event of the season… and of their lives.

TO BE CONTINUED…