Students enjoying the fair weather earlier this week did not fare well when they were ferociously attacked by riding lawnmowers while sunbathing on the grass. Thirteen students were taken to Grinnell Regional Medical Center and four shrubs to Earl May Garden Center

The grim news came as a shock to the victims’ fellow students. Melony Fairiton ’17, a witness on the scene of the bloody affair, stated: “Looking back at all the spring afternoons I spent studying on Mac Field, or hammocking by East Campus, I was so ignorant of the dangers around me.” She recalled, “It’s a shame about the petunias, they were coming along really nicely, and I think I had Intro Art History with the kid who lost all his fingers. I didn’t even get to say farewell to him. This is a pretty severe blow to our cam pus community.”

Residence Life was also devastated by the incident, “I just don’t understand how someone could level so many students without noticing. Even with headphones in I think I would notice,” Darla Chen, Director of ResLife speculated. “What were they doing over by the hydrangeas in the fairst place? I know everyone has questions, but life isn’t a fairytale, folks.”

“It’s not fair,” Fairah Wilson ‘20 shares with tears in her eyes, “they were simply trying to enjoy the fresh (f)air!”

An observance will be held in support of the injured plants and students on Earth Day (April 22nd). Said the student affairss coordinator, Shauna Fairbel, who is organizing the event: “We are not looking for fanfare—we are trying to raise awareness for lawnmower/weed-whacker safety and, most importantly, garner support for the vegetation and students still in critical condition,” she explained. “With the Iowa State Fair Garden Show as well as graduation right around the corner, we are pressed for time and wishing everyone a speedy recovery with flare.”

Grinnell’s “Three Strikes” policy for independent contractors means that if the riding lawnmowers and FM are responsible for two more massacres, the college will create a task force to consider the possibility of launching an investigation into the incidents.