BREAKING NEWS - On Thursday, McGough Construction unearthed the fabled Peace Rock, thus resurrecting the infamous College Scrap and ushering in a new era of darkness. Grinnell historian Wolfe Hogarth explained that The Scrap was “an ancient Grinnell ritual in which the campus was pit against itself to decide who was worthy of the mythic Grinnell Crown.” “According to the legends inscribed in the Burling Basement Bathrooms,” he continued, “the one who wins the crown controls the campus.” Hogarth explained that the scrap was a “bloodbath, driven by power-hungry, students, professors, and administrators, who would stop at nothing to get the Crown.”
The Scrap’s bloody legacy came to an end when a group of students sealed the Crown away in the eponymous Peace Rock. “One student lost their life in the process,” said Hogarth, somberly. “And many attempted to destroy the rock.” As a result, it was hidden away, presumably safe from those who wished to abuse the Crown’s power; however, now that the Peace Rock has been unearthed, it seems history will repeat itself.
A group of student excavators unknowingly discovered the location of the Peace Rock. “I remember when we told Professor Decatur,” said Mike Schilling ’18. “His face went pale, and he told me not to speak of it.” Unfortunately, word got out, and McGough got to work. According to Calvin Proust, a McGough supervisor, it seems the ARH renovations were a front devised by College President King, whose insatiable greed compelled him to seek the Grinnell Crown. “We’re not even a real construction company,” said the source. “We were only here to find the Peace Rock but I’m wondering if we made a mistake.” [Edi - tor’s note: Proust has since gone missing.]
More people are speaking up about President King’s true intentions. “The real reason SHACs is underfunded and understaffed is because President King wanted to keep the student body weak if The Scrap was ever revived,” said an anonymous admin. “I fear his plans may succeed, for his preparations go deeper than we could have anticipated. I apologize, on be - half of all of us. We thought he wanted the Crown to better the campus. We were fools, lured in by his delusions of grandeur.”
The strongest students have started disappearing, as well as professors of questionable loyalty to President King. All is not lost, however, as the SGA Oracle foresaw this. “I knew this was a possibility since my first year" Ash Baltazar '17 said in her Norris 4th cove. Baltazar says we shouldn’t give up hope. “We’ve been preparing for this moment. The SGA has secretly been funneling money to train stu - dents to face President King for the Crown. We must hope they’ll be strong enough to face him before the Peace Rock is destroyed.” Pr
President King has not been seen since the Peace Rock was unearthed. Rebel administrators who stormed his office found only a note that read “what’s a god to a nonbeliever?” Witnesses report seeing him at the top of the crane, guarded by McGough cavaliers on bulldozers.
Experts speculate that he will wait out The Scrap until he’s the last one standing, and then claim the Crown for himself. What he plans to do with the Crown is unknown, but if Baltazar’s prophetic nightmares and the dying turkey vultures are any indication, we must prepare for the worst.