This Wednesday, SGA announced a new, revolutionary plan to provide students all students with access to mint-condition, yellow bicycles.

The “Campus Bikes” program will be launched this spring after the failure of its predecessors, the “Campus Bikes” program, the “Campus Bikes” program, and the “Campus Bikes” program.

The “Campus Bikes” program had fallen on hard times over the past two decades. Only ten years ago, it appeared as a prominent fixture in College admissions’ material as autumn leaves and “selfgovernance.”

“I’m enthusiastic about the ‘Campus Bikes’ program,” said Senator Biggert Young ’20. “An idea as bold as this will bring out the best in us.”

The biggest failing of the previous “Campus Bikes” programs was the manner in which students chose to operate the bi cycles.

“Yeah, the Security Office gets calls all the time about people finding them places,” said Jaden Bripkins ’17, who’s been a Security Dispatcher since her first-year. “I’d say we get a call from Rabbit’s about twice a day. The week Wal-Mart had buy one, get one 30 racks, I swear we were getting a call every hour on the hour.”

At an open hearing, SGA experts noted a significant correlation between the disrepair of Campus Bikes and a decrease in the number of Campus Bikes being tossed at trees, however they agreed that new Campus Bikes would not lead to increase in throwing Campus Bikes at trees as many of campus’ most notorious serial bike throwers have graduated.

The new coordinator of the “Campus Bikes” program, Regina Vino ’19, believes that the re-branding effort, along with a bit of elbow grease, will fix the organization’s problems.

“It’s not going to be easy, but as long as we keep reminding students that ‘Campus Bikes’ are meant to be used on-campus, we should be alright,” Vino said.

Expect to see the new Campus Bikes arriving on campus once the snow melts in the coming weeks.

“You know, it is a long walk into town,” Vino said. “I might have to ride one to the bike shop for new parts. And once I’m down there I might as well hit the Prairie Patio for dinner and a beer.”