In what appears to be the latest in a string of bizarre PR gambits, President Raynard “RayK” Kington spent late Monday afternoon driving a motorcycle off a ramp to flip over the shark-infested waters of the Osgood Natatorium. Ray-K agreed to do this challenge in order to aid in celebration of the swim team’s successful season, as well as for all of its committed donations to the school.
Said Dean of Student Affairs Francis Rones in a campus memo: “We thought that since President Kington has been receiving criticism over the decision not to divest from fossil fuels, the mishandling of various Title IX cases, the perceived lack of mental health resources on campus, the recent changes to policies regarding alcohol and stricter regulations on the use of the public lounges, the controversy of the Rosenfield program inviting an alum who allegedly committed hate crime(s) on campus back to speak, recent expulsions of students for minor drug offenses, getting rid of the POSSE program, setting unreasonable academic expectations, and unleashing Scooper Hero Ice Cream, it was about time to do something for the students. We thought this would be a nice treat.”
According to the President, new marketing strategies are being implemented to appeal to this generation of Millennials, whom he calls a “feral bunch of motherfucking pricks.”
“Our promotion task force came to the conclusion that we’ve fallen out of favor among the vast majority of the student body. We thought this physical and literal representation of Yours Truly diving into the abyss, (an action emitting a negligible amount of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere) would be a good way to bring social-justice-warrior celebs such as Leo DiCaprio back to our side of the Twitter,” Kington told the B&S. “Bring back #NoLimits!”
There have been mostly negative reactions to RayK’s stunt, with some expressing that it’s nothing more than a heavy handed attempt to spark interest after a 7-year run that has left students’ desires and aspirations unfulfilled. “When he started, everyone thought, like, hey this guy’s pretty cool. I bet he’ll be a lot of fun to have around. And he kinda was, at first. I think. But then he got dramatic and way too serious about everything,” said a 2013 alum Michael Aday.
Agreed Jillian Ramirez ’19: “This is clearly a ploy to win us over. Ray-K jumping the shark like this, with all the fake fanfare, just feels desperate. It’s like Ray-K realized, after 7 years of working here, that he actually wants to be the cool college president, not the all-work-no-play one who’s capable of going days without saying a word to a student. I don’t know why he waited 7 years to try something fun. If we weren’t paying attention already, we’re not going to start now just to see if he doesn’t get eaten by sharks.”
The President’s attempt at garnering positive attention from the student body follows just weeks after Res Life’s attempt at filling the ARH pit with plastic balls, and only days since the Music Department announced its plan to hire a Ska-BandIn-Residency.