After a productive town hall on Tuesday about inclusion in the Fitness Center, the college administration was able to get a clear picture of underlying issue and has decided to make drastic changes. Ultimately, the college has decreed that athletes are no longer allowed to use the fitness center.

“It’s the athletes. The athletes are the problem. I mean, my god, do they even need to use it anyway? They’re already in shape!” exclaimed Zed Marks ‘17, who uses the fitness center three times per semester.

Many athletes were outraged. However, as it turns out, many admins use the fitness center and they also hate sharing it with the athletes.

“Look, the entirety of your team does not need to be using all of the upstairs mats. You all are literally doing crunches on top of each other. This is ridiculous. The best solution is for you all to just not use the fitness center,” stated Department Chair Krystal Redman to the athletes after they were not able to power-walk on the treadmill last week due to athlete congestion.

The athletes, meanwhile, are resorting to other methods to get their workout in. Without access to olympic bars, many athletes are now bench-pressing their smaller teammates. Any spot on campus is now subject to use by athletes. Many are doing CrossFit while waiting for chicken strips in the DHall, while others are doing stepups on the sundial outside Noyce.

The athletes have also not restricted their workout times from 4:00-6:30. At any given time of day, a group of at least five athletes can be found somewhere on campus working out. Kamal Lepp ’20 reported seeing a athletes doing pull ups on a tree at 10AM.

“One of them was in my 10AM, so I don’t know why they decided that was the time to do a workout. I guess as long as they’re not at the Bear it’s okay,” said Lepp while curling in his favorite squat rack.

Surprisingly, most athletes are happy with the new “swole order.”

“Honestly, I hate sharing weights with my teammates,” said self-identified “sporto” Josiah Azar ’18. “And if this gets more people to go to the gym, I’m down! I say this as a lanky dude: this campus needs more beef.”

Remarkably, parties on North Campus have died down considerably after athletes were barred from using the fitness center.

“Dibble hasn’t been turnt in weeks! Weeks!!” exclaimed Taylor May ‘16. “It’s because all the athletes are just working out all the time now that they can’t go to the weightroom. I’m all for staying healthy, but jeez it’s a Saturday night! You’re not going to lose muscle by throwing a rager!”

Despite initial pushback, the college will probably continue the policy.

“It’s a win-win situation,” stated athletic coordinator Jessie Styles in a recent talk. “The athletes get to creatively solve their changed fitness center access-a hallmark of the liberal arts education - and we get to get rid of them. Oh my god finally. We get to get rid of them.”