NOLLEN HOUSE- The spirit of Teen Angst Harris touches every part of campus as students and faculty get wholeheartedly involved, and President Kington is no exception. Bob’s Open Mic got a special visit from the president on Thursday night. Bob’s employee Nathan Barcus reports,
“He spent fourteen and a half minutes on stage doing what he called ‘original poetry’ but I’m pretty sure was just an entire chapter of Catcher in the Rye set to an instrumental version of The Real Slim Shady by Eminem. We have asked him not to return.” Jackson Semehan ‘18 said.
Members of the administration are feeling the burden of RaKa’s boiling hot angst. The president ruffled feathers at a Trustee meeting by calling them “a bunch of bougie corporate drones” then crying while singing Mr. Brightside by The Killers as mascara ran down his cheeks. This is reminiscent of a similar outburst earlier in the week when Kington told the college’s Chief Investment Officer, “You’re not my real dad!” then proceed to knock a vase off of a table. “He seemed a little off at our budget meeting on Tuesday,” recalls Julie Knuth, Vice Treasurer of the College, “it wasn’t until about 80 minutes into our meeting that I realized he was speaking only in My Chemical Romance lyrics.”
The student body has also been inconvenienced by Kington’s angsty new outlook. In the most recent campus memo, students were notified that Free Sound open hours will be temporarily reduced to make time for reserved “faculty hours” to give administration a chance to “just vent or whatever.” Fan fiction was found scribbled across the wall of Free Sound. A portion of the pioneer fund will be allocated to the purchase of a monogrammed drum set for the president’s personal use. In the meantime, the students are happy to share the resources.
Clark resident Maddie Carver ‘20 expresses grievances regarding the president’s newfound attitude, “I was trying to study for midsems but I was distracted by the sounds of old school Panic! At The Disco and Fall Out Boy ringing through the walls of Nollen House all the way down Park street. It’s not ideal but I think we should just give him some time, it’s just a phase and he will grow out of it.” Kington could not be reached for comment but a representative insists, “This is not just a phase”.
Helen Goodwin ‘18 spotted the president walking near the JRC, “It looked to me like he was growing out his bangs and I’m not 100% sure but I think I saw a scripty forearm tattoo that just read, ‘the darkness’. Is anyone keeping an eye on him?” she reports, “Two Sundays ago I saw him doing some sick skateboard tricks in the Kum & Go parking lot, when I went to compliment his sweet ollie, he let out a screech and told me that I didn’t understand the ‘new him’ and I just needed to ‘deal with it’.”
“He has been acting a little strange lately,” claims Jen Barner, Chief IT Officer, “earlier this week, I asked about his weekend plans and he told me that he ‘never asked to born’ and that I need to shut my ‘lame face’. I was a little confused at the time but I’m sure he’s just going through a phase.” The office of the president would like to reiterate that “this is not just a phase”.