Two weeks ago, the administration sent long-awaited room-draw numbers to students, but then quickly rescinded them, stating certain students’ numbers were changed because Presiding King said so. Creating a fair room-draw service is a complicated and lengthy process, a process administrators say Presiding King allegedly enjoys complicating.
“After we’d sent the first room assignment email out, he ran into the room breathless, sweaty, and wearing that stupid fat suit and a Santa Clause costume, crying, “Wait, Wait! You guys forgot me again!” said Willina Chomp in an email.
“Then, he had us work late into the night writing every student’s name and year with ink quills on a long scroll of parchment. Finally, he read the list out-loud, following every name with ‘Nice,’ ‘Nah,’ and ‘Fuck no!—little activist shit.’ Then he drank a glass of milk and fell asleep.”
The Presiding King relishes room-draw as an opportunity to personally improve student life.
“Yeah, maybe I overdo the secret-Santa aspect of it”, said the Presiding King. “But since I completed building my first Barbie Mansion as an undergrad, it’s been my dream to design a real kingdom, down to the last delicate detail. Simply by staring at student’s DB photo, I can tell Trish Tanker just needs a Cowles apartment to herself, and that it wouldn’t hurt Manny Dresi to get a out of her comfort zone a little, by sleeping in that desolate closet in Noyce basement for the next fifteen weeks. I’m everyone’s favorite matchmaker, but with private space and comfort.”
Students have mixed reactions to the changes.
Tackle Broody ‘18, a junior all set to live off-campus, said, “I was really lookin’ forward to havin’ a house next sem., so we could grill, throw barbeques, and get turnt in the backyard. Now with my new number the best I can hope for is a double in Norris on a floor of first-years. Man, I really shouldn’t have gave the president the finger that one time. How is drawing 3,042 even possible?”
Soapy Wise ’20, heir to the Barbie franchise fortune, was delighted to receive room draw number 1. “Everyone’s freaking out, saying number 1 gets a room in the president’s house—like that walk-in closet full of cash. I guess it’ll be kinda cool, with all those life-size dolls he keeps around.”