A rising number of community advisors are complaining that their floors have simply not bonded enough, the Department of Student Affairs reported. Attendance at programs that don’t offer food has been low, and many CA’s are frustrated by the lack of open doors on their floors. Some CAs have even resorted to knocking on individual doors and providing a list of friends on the floor for each resident.

“First, we thought we could have a floor bonfire. Then we realized that would have a low attendance too! Instead, we decided to literally set our floors on fire,” said one CA whose floor is literally not ever having sleepovers with each other.

Last week, the CAs carried out their “Fire and Fun” program. They set off all fire alarms in their building at 2 AM on a Sunday to force all of the residents outside. Once a majority of the residents had evacuated the building, the CAs locked all of the doors to get back in and made everyone do icebreakers for forty-five minutes.

“I don’t care what my fucking floormate’s craziest vacation memory is, I have an 8 AM and need to go to bed!” huffed one second-year, who did not enjoy the Fire and Fun program.

While many residents complained about Fire and Fun, the CAs have continued to plan untraditional programming undaunted. For example, one cluster will be doing a version of the Escape Game, in which the CAs lock all the doors and windows of the dorms right before class and the only way to get out is to work with your floor. Other CAs are going as far as to direct all phone calls calling to report an emergency to a resident’s phone, who will then have to deal with the emergency.

“Yeah I know, it might seem a little extreme, but look at it this way: my floor is spending so much quality time together!” exclaimed an elated CA whose floor is reportedly terrified of them.

The issue has been brought to the attention of the college’s administration, which seems to be in favor of the new programming.

“You said non-punitive CAs, and you got non-punitive CAs. Granted, you can never be sure if you’ll be safe from potentially being set on fire in the name of ‘bonding’ but they’re non-punitive!” said an employee of student affairs. “I suspect that we’re going to see a dramatic improvement in floor community and respect because of these new programs.”

Indeed, many younger students have reported feeling closer to their floor than ever. “We’re constantly terrified,” said one first-year. “I was told the older students wouldn’t bite, but my CA bites. Literally! She bites us all so that we have to take care of each other and bond!”

Other students echoed similar sentiments. Many report feeling close to their floor just because their floor is the only people who understand how awful their CA really is. Additionally, many floors have appointed one representative to serve as a “CA lookout” and potential fire alarm should the CA try a new floor-bonding activity.

When the Residence Life Coordinators were contacted for a comment, many of them asked what a Community Advisor was.