BREAKING. Recent student action at No-Lend House and around campus has pressured President RayKay to approach the Board of Trustees about divesting from fossil fuel companies. We asked the trustees how they contribute to Grinnell’s endowment.

Losh Eastward ’04, who never got out of Grinnell despite having big dreams of becoming a writer, and now oversees a private project for RayKay, said, “Oh, it’s a modest graft alright; I like to call it ‘Pen-Rose.’ I jog around Grinnell town stealing people’s pens and roses, and sell them back at the Saturday Farmers market. My customers are so bewildered….old and bewildered—it’s so cute! The atmosphere of chaos and mistrust builds community.”

Another alum, Ahaw Noice ‘59 also found giving back gratifying. “To be honest, my commitment to the college is completely contingent on the continuation of those cute brownies they serve at our yearly meeting. As long the President turns a blind eye when I stuff my pockets with those suckers, I’m delighted to give Grinnell 20% of South Africa’s gold,” disclosed Noice ’59. “And of course, 5% goes to RayKay’s little side-thing. It just feels good to give back to the place where I first learned about American monopolies in formerly colonized countries. Dr. Blute was the best. ‘Privilege is a moral debt,’ he’d always say—so inspiring! Well, I’ve paid mine back in millions—34 million and a couple lives as well, to be exact!”

High profile trustees, like Marley Henderson, CEO of Oil Riggs Elections Inc. and recruit of President RayKay himself, machinate more elaborate schemes. “Well, I got myself a little sis, ya see, and I like to sneak her a few hundred stocks under the table every Thanksgiving. She goes and flips ‘em few times over, puts half the earnings inna trust fund, half in charity, and then writes the ownership over to a dead man in Greece,” said Tarbits. “Ah-here’s where it gets fun: that dead man’s wife’s cousin’s daughter, pays ten percent to national mafia, who in return ensure, with the aid of a few very hungry alligators, that the national economy fails every year. I mean, they take that thing to town! Mangled bodies everywhere. Its all quite ‘convenient’ considering Grinnell’s been betting against Greece’s economy since ’09, ’10, I’d say. A regular riot.” Tarbits smiled fondly. “Poor Greece…used to be the height of civilization…the birthplace of a New World Order…now all they got is The Lightning Thief.”

In response to recent student outcry, President RayKay called an emergency dinner meeting. He invited the Board to his Bear Athletic Center-sized Mutiny Bunker (beyond the golf course), ordered Chuongs, and had Losh Eastward ’04 greet trustees with warm chuckles, hearty pats on the back, and of course, complimentary pens and roses.

“You know, at Grinnell,” the President said with a smile, “we cultivate the brightest, most conscientious students in the world. We love them; so what we like to spoil them with $80-for-life laundry, $12 dhall meals, and top-notch printers!? But noooo! They want clean money, or none at all.”

The room rippled with confused murmurs.

“Their loss,” Raykay continued. “I thought a college was a pretty productive way to launder the two billion dollars the leader of the Illuminati left me a few years ago, but I guess its back to pharmaceuticals.”