MAC FIELD - As the spring semester began, many students are reporting strange occurrences regarding the presence of fourth years in the material plane. “It was as though…people I knew suddenly took on a ghostly presence. I mean, the seniors I knew were pale, but, like, not this pale,” mused second year Jamie Tyler. In fact, many other students are reporting the gradual disappearance of the seniors as they begin their last semester.
“We actually see this phenomenon quite a bit in a senior’s last semester,” stated economics professors Janet Brown. “Usually the senior will gradually fade from the physical space of Grinnell. Sometimes, if they’re really forgettable, their classmates will also be unable to remember them.”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed that some of my friends haven’t been around as much-or really at all. I’ve heard that seniors will start disappearing in January, but-OH MY GOD! MY FEET!! WHERE DID MY FEET GO?!” lamented fourth year Erin Moore.
Luckily, Grinnell College’s ITS has kept up with this phenomenon by having Grinnell’s technological resources reflect the disappearances. According the director of ITS, once more than 50% of a fourth year’s corporal form is no longer visible, they are automatically removed from PioneerWeb, and their Outlook address becomes invalid. After losing her GrinnellShare account when her legs and torso disappeared, Anya Cloud ’17 stated, “well thank goodness, I didn’t even know what that shit was for anyway.”
However, in some cases, the disappearance of the fourth years has been almost “apocalyptic” in nature, according to employees of Facilities Management.
“Yep, the seniors will just disappear in the middle of their shower, flooding the whole bathroom until we get there. Even worse, they’ll disappear while walking done the hallway, leaving behind their clothes and backpacks. Then the clothes and backpacks will be in the middle of the hallway! Hallways are to be kept clear of personal items!” exclaimed an anonymous Facilities Management employee.
The slow disappearance of the seniors has had negative effects on the many organizations at Grinnell (although Dining Hall is so far unaffected). SGA has been affected most by the disappearance of the seniors: the last count is that SGA had 1 president, 0.3 of a vice president, and .0565 of a treasurer. The remaining members of SGA are in the process of expediting the next election. According to an anonymous fourth year SGA cabinet member, “yeah basically we have a few days left maybe. We should probably elect some new people, because by May, none of you will even remember that this SGA existed.”
However, the disappearance of the seniors has had a few positive effects. According to several first years, many of their peers suddenly feel “more motivated” and “way less jaded.” In fact, one first year exclaimed, “why would any of the fourth years ever be irritated with President Raynard Kington! He is such a nice man! The audacity they have to blatantly call him ‘RayKay’ is just ridiculous.”
Additionally, many of the lower classman have been reporting dramatically shorter lines to get chicken strips and stir-fry. As one second-year put it, “getting food faster is nice. I mean we’ll miss them. I think. Wait, who are the fourth years again?”