JRC - Even with the New Year having begun just a little over a month ago, Grinnellians all over campus are still proclaiming “New Year, New Me!” while looking to achieve their new year’s resolutions. While some Grinnellians are pursuing the usual goals like flossing more frequently, maintaining a workout routine, not spending all your money from dining hall shifts at Kum & Go, getting better at pretending to get lost in Noyce as to not seem old and jaded, and to break the habit of boofing natty lights, others have their own unique resolutions.

Kaley Chung ‘18 is trying to go a full year without having to send their computer in to get repaired from being waterlogged by their tears. Marcus Gonzalez ‘17 wants to stop laughing at the baggie of condoms on his CA’s door because it makes him feel immature. The cash register at the Spencer Grill is trying to not take so long to print receipts.

Some Grinnellians’ resolutions are aimed at the new presidency and the Trump Administration. Spanish and Arabic double major Sam Jameson’s ‘19 goal for the new year is to find a new major for fear of being put on a registry.

Other Grinnellians, however, are not as willing to embrace the new year as others. “It’s not a new year. This isn’t really happening. It’s still January 20, 2009. Obama just got inaugurated, everybody is listening to the Black Eyed Peas’ new single “Boom Boom Pow” on their iPod nanos, and there is hope for this country. It truly is a Party in the USA, which is another hit song this year, though not as a good a party as my bar mitzvah that just happened,” said Michelle Greenbaum ‘18. Greenbaum then proceeded to manically chant her haftarah portion and set a Make America Great Again hat that had been dipped in hair spray on fire with a 7-Eleven brand disposable lighter.

A few students have strangely found a middle ground. “Well, ‘Party in the USA’ is STILL a banger so . . . I guess 2017 isn’t completely dead yet,” said Erek Antar ‘20.

All in all, Grinnellians have been doing well with their missions of success. And if you’re someone who has given up or fallen short of your resolution, don’t fret. There’s always lent.