Now that prospective student season is approaching, Grinnell College is unveiling a set of new guidelines and activities to enhance the “Prospie Experience.” “For the last couple of days, the administrative staff has been extremely busy with preparations,” said Admission Representation Tara Fey.

“We’ve created a comprehensive list of what the student body, including prospies, can and should expect in the upcoming weeks.

Admissions and Prospective Student Affairs have tried all sorts of methods to try to prevent dangerous behavior. These new programs are meant to “condition both prospective and new students so that we can avoid future problems,” explained Fey. “One idea is that we will have prospies spend their nights outside, rather than with their hosts, so they will be motivated to keep track of their keys.”

Prospie Affairs Coordinator Jessica Lee was particularly excited about the new train programs. “Sometimes we feel that prospies have a hard time connecting to each other while they’re here,” said Lee. “So, we’re planning on organizing an icebreaker where one prospie will be chosen at random to be hit by the train, giving the other prospies a shared experience to bond over!” Moreover, train programs will be applied to new first years and admitted students. “Every new student will be fitted with a little receiver that will administer an electric shock every time students get within two meters of the train tracks,” she reported. She declined to comment on how this might affect how students navigate a campus that is split down the middle by the train tracks.

“Our final new action that we thought of was to give all new and prospective students alcohol poisoning to prevent future hooligans from making a ruckus,” Fey reported. In addition, student input has been a vital part of forming these new guidelines. “I feel like when I was a prospie I didn’t really understand what it’d be like to go here,” said Alexiana Sanchez ’17. “I think it’d be a good idea to have prospies give 75% of everything in their bank account the moment they step foot on campus so they know what they’re getting into.” In general, the student body seems to agree that the college needs to better advertise the “Grinnell experience.”