ROSENBLOOM FIELD – Head football coach Bill Smith recently announced that all thirtyfour players are now required to run for the SGA Senate
Smith stated, “My idea is a great idea. Most students don’t even know we have a football team, so this is about the closest I can get to recruiting. But don’t tell the NCAA I said that.” Smith also hopes the campaign will bridge the gap between athletes and non-athletes, or as non-athletic Grinnellians call them, “sport ball players and us.”
The primary logistical concern is that every single football player lives on North campus, so it would be impossible for all to serve in the senate. Tight end Harris Jones ’18 dismissed this issue, remarking that “most students don’t even know their senate candidates, so we can definitely sneak some guys into South.” Even though there will be competition among the football players, (there are only eighteen total seats in the senate), this is not expected to be a problem for the players because, as Luis Heblar ‘17 stated, “we’re all so accustomed to losing already.”
The football players mistakenly believed that a campaign was similar to a football play, resulting in every player running an identical campaign. According to placekicker Terrence Lawson ‘19, the chosen slogan is “Make Grinnell Football Great Again.” When asked when exactly Grinnell football was great, Lawson loudly asserted, “we beat the University of Iowa 24-0 in 1889, which was the first football game west of the Mississippi. Yeah, fine that was 127 years ago but time is a social construct, so that’s irrelevant.”
The Footballers for Senate platform includes ideas such as students attending football games, watching football games on television with the team, and drinking with the team on weekdays. Weekends, however, will be reserved exclusively for the team members for “some good ol’ no-homo roughhousing and bro-on-bro bonding.”
Reaction from the student body has been mixed. First year Hannah Schwartz said, “I heard that they got a quarterback off Craigslist. University of Alabama, posted an ad for ‘Slightly-Used Football Player: Six Feet and Four Whole Inches and a Hunky 251 Pounds.’ Apparently there is a whole black market for football players. Actually, I was curious and asked Coach Smith if this was a politically correct thing to do and he just shrugged.”
“Some huge sport man promised that if I voted for him, he could get me on the football team,” Myles Parsi ’18 reported. “I asked him what this ‘Football’ thing was, and he told me I would have more than enough time to learn before the next game on Saturday.”
SGA has praised the team’s efforts to participate in democracy. An anonymous SGA member is hopeful about new blood: “If elected, maybe the football team can tell us what SGA is supposed to do.” However, this won’t be a concern, as the results of the senate elections will never be known.