JRC - Earlier this week, what started out as a peaceful town hall to discuss the new Alcohol Policy quickly spiraled into chaos as President Ray Kingler was confronted with increasingly uncomfortable and difficult questions on his new substance policies, prompting Kingler to purportedly ‘lose it’.
Designed as a venue to express his rationale for the controversial changes, Kingler seemed quite at ease at the beginning of the session, answering innocuous questions with the speed of a charging emu. Some alleged that you could even see him smirk when asked “Wait, if there’s no self gov, can I not just do whatever I want anymore?”, a question which was followed by cheers of “That’s not my America!” as well as whispers of discontent and prayers for the future of self gov.
The first signs of trouble in Kington’s parochial paradise were visible with the involvement of professors in the process. Granted, Kingler had some supporters amongst faculty: “I can’t even trust my students to always do their readings, so I’m glad that they aren’t in charge of their own wellbeing anymore” said one professor, holding back tears of joy.
However, Kingler’s dreams for a lack of genuine criticism of his half-baked policies were soon shattered. “Punitive policies have been demonstrated to not be effective in curbing use or in supporting the health of the population they are enforced upon” said one brave Adjunct Professor, who has not been spotted on campus since that day. After being asked for the sources of his statistics and data by multiple professors, the president paused, responded that “all will become clear soon, as the data is being available to those who request it” and mentioned a few URLs including theonion.com and a handful of Wikipedia articles, as well as, with an air of additional flair, a book published in the 1980s on the scourge of drugs in American society.
But as more and more serious questions arose, sweat was visible on Kingler’s brow. He seemed to get more exasperated with every logical point. After one student commented that “[these policies] will just move drinking off campus,” Kingler’s swore under his breath and dabbed at his forehead with his handkerchief adorned with the college logo. “We just want to stop sexual assault on campus” Kington answered. When this response was questioned by another student, saying “What about off campus assaults? Don’t assaults tend to happen there more frequently at most colleges?” Kingler allegedly lost it.
Reports range wildly as to what later occurred, but all agree on Kingler’s response to this criticism, “but that’s!!! THAT’S!!! You bratty, pompous motherfuckers!”, and how Kingler subsequently stripped naked, threw chairs at first-years, and smeared his own feces into the phrase “Self Gov Sucks.”
The rampage lasted anywhere from five to fifteen minutes, after which Kingler eventually calmed down, curled into the fetal position, and started sucking on his thumb.
Since the incident, students have been asked to refrain from taking advantage of services provided SHACS: Kingler will need to utilize all of their handful of resources to compose himself. Meanwhile, vocal opponents of the new changes are said to be exultant, claiming the incident is a sign from “the wondrous sun god Ra” that self gov, though hit, is not yet dead.