Conference Rooms Everywhere - Only a week into the 2016-17 school year, and there are already complaints regarding the newly instituted Alcohol Policy changes—but not from the students.

According to a survey designed by Mathematics and Statistics professor Samantha Herman), over 98% of Grinnell students are in favor of the changes, but only 2% of the alcohol are complying with the Agreements.

“My friends and I had our paperwork turned it in by Wednesday night to host a party on Friday, but the alcohol never showed up, so everyone left” said Paula Vasilyev ’17. “We think that the administration bribed the alcohol to turn their bottles on us so that ‘drinking culture’ would be extinguished.”

Said Lauren Galloway 17’, “I just wanted to have an intimate gathering with some friends, a movie, popcorn, and a bowl of jungle juice. I filled out my paperwork at least a week in advance, but all I could serve was Great Value fruit punch.”

Falling short of the full Agreement as outlined in the policy, some students are turning to Compromise.

“We reached a settlement with Hawkeye and Keystone in which they agreed to attend on the conditions that we only could party in half of Younker lounge, host just 10 people [as opposed to 20], and we had to tell everyone to go home at 9:30 PM,” explained Jesse Dreher ’19.

Students have reached out to the major cheap alcohol available in Grinnell, but as of now other alcohol are not responding to requests for negotiation, leading to disbelief and frustration among students.

The alcohol, however, claim that their voices need to be heard, despite the costs.

“We feel that it’s been a while since students have ever asked if we even want to go to a party. People just bring us along as if we only serve one purpose: making students drunk,” said spokesalcohol Bud Lite ‘∞. “This is entirely true. But still, they should at least ask.”

Others alcohol brought up the point that few of them are yet of legal age for consumption.

“I’m only 3 months, which is basically 18 years old in human years, so it’s absolutely ridiculous to even fathom the concept of me being consumed as an alcoholic beverage,” said a shot of tequila who wishes to remain anonymous.

Despite these concerns, some students are taking a more combative response to the issue.

“I think the alcohol are bluffing,” said Carl Washington ‘17. “I represent a large segment of the campus population and we are publically entering talks for an exclusive agreement with the Grille coffee to serve the coffee at all events we host and to refuse to attend events where anything else is served.”

“I am confident that the alcohol will reconsider their position in light of this, but if not I am fully committed to turning up with the Grinnell Blend,” continued Washington.

Others are taking a more laissez faire attitude.

“For a while I was annoyed, and honestly, a little personally hurt by the breach in trust by the alcohol. But I’ve moved on, and I want to let the alcohol know that I’ve been able to easily replace them with sleep deprivation now that the semester’s started.”