JRC 101- Friday May 6 – A surprise guest at the ‘Funeral for Self-Gov?????’ put the ? in ‘?????’

Last Friday, a group of students gathered to mourn the passing of Self-Gov and recount memories of its life.

Complete with sparkling cider, brownie cookies, sparkling cider, and some lovely eulogies, the funeral was held in the JRC. The event was attended by students, professors, and members of the community. Perhaps the most interesting guest, however, was Self-Gov itself.

According to attendees, Self-Gov exclaimed, “I, Self-Gov, am alive and well!”, as they clawed their way out of a flower strewn grave, clods of dirt flinging every which way. “Our great and powerful leader, President Kaynard Rington, has resurrected me! And he’s made me stronger than ever!”

Self-Gov reportedly began to explain their new outlook on life those surrounding them. As they spoke, a campus memo restating the words appeared in student’s inboxes line byline.

“Primarily, President Rington decided to teach me about why we needed these changes on campus. Self-Gov must change with the times.”

After a few sips of sparkling cider, Self Gov continued to speak as students gathered around to listen to their new plan.

“I’m here to discuss different crucial topics on campus. Like window décor, and chalk art, and controversial blog postings!” they explained. “For starters, we probably should just accept that when our President makes a decision, they probably know what’s best for the rest of us. It’s fun, am I right?”

When asked about further plans for their future, Self-Gov demurred.

“You know, I’m just hoping that my new look goes over well. I mean, you haven’t noticed all of my changes until now, so we’re just going to keep implementing new and exciting things. I mean, does anyone really enjoy 10/10? I know I don’t.”

Self-Gov also took the opportunity to talk to some of the professors as well.

“My goal is to encourage everyone to understand self governance. For example, it’s considered rude to have another glass of cider when everyone hasn’t already drank one yet,” Self-Gov explained to Professor Watkins, Psychology. “That wasn’t very me of you!”

Self -Gov later offered to teach students that racial diversity is basically economic diversity, and that certain programs should have been disbanded, but by that time most students had left.

When asked about the decrease in attendance at the funeral, Self-Gov said, “They’ve probably left to eat a delicious dining hall meal! They’ll be back though…now that I’ve been resurrected, I’m going to remind them how great I am for the rest of my existence.”

Although the new Self-Gov is excited to unleash their new take on the world, some students are not as receptive.

“I got about two sentences into the ten page manifesto before I decided it wasn’t worth it,” Jay Thrance ’17, shook her head. “I’ve got exams to study for!”