CHARLES BENSON BEAR CENTER - In an effort to liven up the summer for students staying in Grinnell, the college has announced that the 2016 Summer Olympics will move from Rio de Janeiro to Grinnell.

Upon political turmoil and unfinished construction in Brazil, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) approved a last minute plan to move the games to the heart of America. Bill Peterson, President of the IOC, said, “Grinnell is a natural fit. The United States hasn’t hosted an Olympics in a while anyways, so this move makes complete sense.”

Comparing this relocation to the purchase of the golf course, President Rain King said, “The College couldn’t pass this opportunity up. As the first liberal arts college to host the Olympics, this will no doubt build our brand.”

King, acknowledging that the college will squander its entire endowment in preparation, claims that “this is what Buffett dreamed of.”

Peterson listed many reasons why Grinnell was selected as Rio’s replacement. “There are three racquetball courts in the Bear, plus a swimming pool. Perfect.” Peterson also mentioned that “Grinnell has a bunch of flags, so you know they’re committed to international cooperation.”

Peterson continued, “Dorms will be used for the athlete village, finally enabling the IOC to separate athletes by sexual orientation and prevent the usual debauchery. The dining hall will operate all summer as well.”

Other explanations for Grinnell’s surprise choice include the airport and the roughly 37 restaurants, with Peterson highlighting the incredible variety of ethnic food options. Walmart’s presence also helped Grinnell land the world’s biggest sporting event as “even athletes need to make Walmart trips,” said Peterson.

The extensive hotels, gas stations, and bed and breakfasts also helped. Natural resources like Arbor Lake and endless cornfields will allow for typical events like canoeing and marathons.

Some faculty and students are excited about the opportunities presented by the summer games.

Marissa Miller, Professor of Classics, will study “the similarities with the original Olympics from ancient Greece,” while Jerry Baker, Assistant Professor of Economics, will estimate “the financial impact of the Olympics on a rural community like Grinnell. I’ll get tenure for sure.”

Brian Fitzgerald ’18 said, “I can’t wait to return to Grinnell. At first, I was pissed about us SAs beginning training so early, but now I can catch the end of the games.”

Helen Jones, ’17 said, “I like sports. This will be almost as good as the Grinnell Games.”

King is confident that the benefits will outweigh the costs. “Sure, we’ll have to raise tuition by about 300%, but in the end I am confident that the students will be fine. You know how Grinnell students are. They’ll complain about something, but eventually they’ll shut up and go away. Most of them probably don’t even care.”