DINING HALL- Last Wednesday, a Blastin’ Berry Fruit Roll-Up ™ was discovered in one of the brand-new stainless steel refrigerators located in the southeast corner of the Dining Hall. Moments later, madness ensued as students fought, tooth-and-nail, for the glory of being crowned the rightful owner of the roll-up.

The original discoverer of the roll-up is reportedly Lou Turner ’19. At the time of the unexpected finding, Turner was allegedly gathering provisions from the new refrigerators as his allergies to eggs, milk, soy, dairy, meat, legumes, grains, nuts, oils, tubers, fungi, amino acids, leaves and molecules prevent consumption of every prepared item in D-hall.

Turner immediately identified the Fruit Roll-Up as a Blastin’ Berry, but no sooner did he reach for its gleaming wrapper did the glorious sound of cellophane reverberate throughout the surrounding tables. Simultaneously, students that had been studiously ignoring each other in opposite booths stood up, with forks for rapiers and trays for shields, and commenced in swordfight. Within two minutes, over seventy-five students were engaged in combat. “I have no idea where the roll-up went—one second it was mine; the next, it had escaped me,” recounted Turner in an exclusive interview following the incident.

The repeated shouts of “Roll!” “Up!” and “Mine!” traveled to the furthest corners of D-Hall, including the Whale Room and the upstairs secret banquet hall. As diners abandoned their meals, friends, and sanity in favor of the chance to obtain 4-inches of artificially flavored nostalgia, the roll-up was snatched and re-snatched again and again.

Some faculty and staff members eating in the upstairs meeting rooms joined in on the kerfuffle, some going so far as to threaten students with D’s and F’s on papers lest they did not move out of the way.

“It was the opportunity of a lifetime, and I failed,” sobbed Audrey Jeffs ’18. “I was so burned out from only eating sustainable, all-natural, GMO-free food from Mother Earth all the time and just wanted something commercialized and fake for once!”

It is unknown as to how or why the roll-up was located in the new refrigerators, as these fruit products are classified as “forbidden substances,” according to Residence Life policy.

There is also no word on the roll-up’s eventual destination—somehow, it got lost in the chaotic fray, never to be seen or heard from again.