COWLES - After students taped bags full of broken glass to dorm windows across campus, residence life requested that the bags be removed, as the bags of broken glass did not create an image of the community that the College wants to convey. Also, it’s illegal to possess broken glass in the state of Iowa. Many Grinnell students have become outraged at this recent forced removal.

“We’re angry,” huffed an anonymous third year. “Obviously, it’s time to start protesting.” Students across campus seem to agree with this statement, as many have been organizing protests to advocate for their right to possess broken glass and display broken glass paraphernalia.

“We think Shards should be legal. We want it to be legal. Why isn’t it legal?” huffed one frustrated second year. “Self Gov means that laws don’t apply to us, as long as we’re being nice. So since we’ve become subject to the law, Self Gov must be dead.”

The protests have been taking many forms. In one instance, the entire Introduction to Econ came to class high. Another group of students constructed broken glass out of clay for their Studio Art class. However, most students do not attend class, as a form of protest. Many have been photographed performing “break-ins,” while others walk through campus fanning each other with broken glass shards.

In an even more bizarre turn of events, students are taping bags of broken glass to the loggia windows as a menacing gesture. Scrawled next to them in dry-erase marker was the message: “Take our glass away and we’ll take yours…” Every morning, Facilities Management has been had to remove numerous bags of broken glass from various locations on campus.

“We just don’t get it,” said one member of Facilities Management. “These are all really, really good Shards and they are just wasting it by using it to protest. Wow. Dude look at how they sparkle on the ground, the way the light reflects off their irregular surfaces and gleams with the radiance of a fully warmed-up compact fluorescent bulb. How cool is my that?”

The most recent outrage occurred when a multitude of students were arrested at a broken glass rights demonstration.

“I can’t even believe this,” yelled one recently bailed-out student. “After I broke a bottle in front of a police officer, they arrested me! Self Gov is dead!”

When asked to comment on the protests and the ascertain that they’d infringed on student rights, an anonymous member of the Residence Life staff said, “But…it’s illegal.” Despite the protests and a very exasperated faculty and staff, students are turning out to the protests in large numbers.

In an unprecedented presidential move, Raynard Kington started sleeping outside all the dorms, in the hopes that he would catch the perpetrators. However, the minute a cloud of broken glass smoke overtook him outside of Cleveland, he lost too much blood to remember who exactly was involved creating and maintaining the broken glass cloud.

Many student activist groups are getting involved in the cause as well. “Forget human trafficking and sweatshops,” stated one student group leader. “There are more pressing issues at hand—our right to break glass and display it publicly!”

Not all student groups support the protests though. Many students are refusing to support the broken glass rights activists due to personal, moral issues, or in the words of one third-year, “It’s just dumb.”