AMERICA – Spring in Grinnell can mean one thing and one thing only – election season. As allergies emerge, so do broken promises and political rivalries. Each department elects its Student Educational Policy Committee (SEPC), consisting of third- and fourth-years who pad their resumes by winning a popularity contest.

Barb Erikson, Professor of Education, raves that the “SEPC offers a great opportunity for students to get stressed and be judged by their peers. Isn’t that what school is all about?” Erikson’s advice for candidates is to suck up to their peers and harass them on Facebook.

Currently leading the Biology polls is Rebecca West ’17. “I have a lot of teammates in the major, so I’ll probably win. I just wrote some crap about fostering community in my statement, but no one reads that anyways.” West promises to “Make Bio Great Again” by building DNA ladders around the bio commons.

Surprisingly, Jack Brown ’18 has climbed the German ladder. “I want MAPs for everyone, and we all deserve a 4.0,” Brown demanded. Critics believe that the superdelegate votes from faculty will prevent a Brown upset, but his populist campaign will surely shape the future of the German department.

Plebeians across all majors have difficult decisions to make, with supporters of democracy everywhere clamor for more posters and a reason to vote. “I don’t know any of the candidates, so I’ll just vote for the ones with the hottest DB pictures,” compromised a discouraged Ellen Taylor ’16, while Jack Tobiath ’16 complains that he can “see through the south loggia windows. Where are the posters? I need to know your hometown, your class year, and if you’re DTF before I vote for you.” Marcus Fitzgerald ‘19 just “wants to know what SEPC stands for.” And Quinn Terry ’17 says she will vote for “someone I could smoke a joint with.”

Anonymous sources report that most dark money fueling the campaign is coming from candidates’ parents and dining dollars. At press time, Brown revealed that he has no idea what SEPC actually does.