JCC - In an effort to streamline the admissions process, Grinnell College has announced plans to automatically consider all high school seniors worldwide. Previous steps to ease the process, including removing both the application fee and the supplemental essay, failed to make as much of a difference as Grinnell had expected.

The college believes that the common application is much too complicated. Instead, the college will begin collecting letters of recommendation, grade point averages, and transcripts from every high school senior in the world.

Edward Lee, Vice President for Enrollment, elaborated on the scheme, claiming that this plan “finally allows the College to evaluate all 40 million 18-year-olds. This way the cream of the crop is guaranteed to apply.”

Current students have mixed feelings about this plan. Gregory Phillips ‘17 merely shrugged, mentioning that he “never intended to come to Grinnell. I just clicked a button and was accepted, so I guess this saves time.” Meanwhile, Kathryn Williams ’16 acknowledged that “no one knows about Grinnell anyways. Maybe this will build our brand.”

Lee boasts that this strategy will boost Grinnell’s application by roughly 39.99 million, as well as capturing 100% of both domestic students of color and 100% of international students. “This is an unprecedented move which will undoubtedly bolster the United States Postal Service,” said Rynrd Kngtn, President of Grinnell College. “The prospect of rejecting students who have never heard of us is quite the power trip.”

Ultimately, the college decided that prior admissions practices failed to reach all students who were not interested in Grinnell. “Sure, a bunch of students have said they didn’t mean to apply to Grinnell, and they only applied because it required zero effort,” stated Lee. “Now we can get all of the suckers.”

Kngtn hopes this strategy will raise awareness about Grinnell. “Just think, if we had started this technique years ago, everyone would know about the Huffington Post article and the racism on Yik Yak,” Kngtn shimmied.

According to Lee, the goal is to both increase applications and then achieve an acceptance rate of 0%. “That way we won’t have to waste endowment on financial aid. Suck it, Carleton!”

Current students have been delighted upon learning of this goal. Elizabeth Evans ’19 gleefully exclaimed “I could get a single for sure.” Phillips remarked that an admissions rate of 0% will “severely reduce lines in the dining hall, plus we can eliminate admitted student days. Prospies are the worst.” An envious Williams reported that “they won’t have to waste four years in rural Iowa.”

Professors are overjoyed at this news. “With no incoming first years, I could really focus on my research,” said a wistful Earl Walker, Professor of Economics. “Thank goodness – I’ll never have to teach tutorial again.”

However, the dining hall is upset about losing possible employees. “We’ll just have to shut everything down other than the bagels,” snapped a frustrated Cindi Thompson, Director of Food Services. “That’s all that these ungrateful students deserve.”

With over 40 million applicants and an eventual admissions rate of 0%, Grinnell is sure to climb the U.S. and World News Report college rankings. “But all that doesn’t really matter. All that we care about is our current students and their wellbeing.” Kngtn said, snickering.