With the all-too-terrible, inevitable arrival of Daylight Savings time change came another, even more drastic event. Last Sunday, the season of Spring had a breakdown. Currently, Spring is being treated by SHACS, who released a Campus Memo on Wednesday stating that Spring is in “critical condition.”
According to experts, Spring had been showing signs of malfunction for quite some time leading up to the incident. “This event hasn’t exactly been unanticipated, considering global warming and all . . .it was only a matter of time before Spring collapsed,” lamented a grim Facilities Management staff member Izz Gone. “All the signs were there: the grass much too green, the sidewalks too dry and puddle-less, the weather won’t freeze your face off, and some students started fleeing town as if summer has already arrived.”
Indeed, Spring has broken so severely that resident scientists are doubtful that it will ever be repaired. “Spring breakages of this scale have never been recorded in modern history,” said Biology Professor Clye Matt Chanj in a press conference in JRC 101, which was satellite broadcasted to the entire planet. “I truly fear that we have reached the point of no return.”
Still, efforts to rescue Spring have not been dissuaded. “Until the winds of Spring wheeze their last wheeze, we won’t give up,” says student activists Flora Carbonne and Metha Ayne, both ’18. “So far, we’ve sent get-well messages in decomposable, eco-friendly bottles down the Iowa Ocean, and managed to get #SaveSpring trending on Twitter,” Carbonne explains.
Many public figures have been expressing their condolences during this trying time. “I understood that I predicted less than six more weeks of winter, but I had no idea that this would occur at Spring’s expense,” wrote Punxsutawney Phil, acclaimed weather groundhog, in a telegram to the B&S. “I can only hope that the other seasons realize the precariousness of Spring’s situation, and that they do everything in their power to fix this situation.”
Donations to Spring’s cause can be contributed at www.’tisnttheseason.com.