Nature: Interdisciplinary study conducted by Pennsylvania State, Harvard, and Texas A&M concludes that all humans suck. Follow up study concludes that dolphins suck as much as if not 1.2 to 1.5 times more.
Journal of the American Medical Association: Meta-analysis concludes that Web MD diagnoses conditions more effectively than physicians in 25% of cases. Watching House was found to have a statistically insignificant effect. Watching Grey’s Anatomy may be a slight cancer risk, though further research is recommended.
Annual Review of Astronomy and Astrophysics: Preliminary results suggest it may be possible to surf Gravitational Waves if you had a hypothetical surfboard which traveled along gravity waves, assuming you don’t need air and will live ten times as long as the average person.
Journal of Experimental Social Psychology: Knocking on Wood has a Placebo Effect for the superstitious, but paradoxically leads to feelings of disappointment for skeptics
Annals of Mathematics: Seminal paper on Closed Planes and the Derivation of Contra- Kovalevskaya, Bounded Morphisms retracted after paper discovered to be generated by mathgen.
The Journal of Zoology: Study finds that since the mid 2000’s most mammals have evolved to become cuter due to internet based selection pressures. Star-nosed moles are mysteriously resistant to this trend.
Chemical Reviews: A fifteen year study concludes that the long term effects of drinking dangerous acids are significantly less severe than the effects of drinking dangerous bases.
Journal Of Health: The slight increase in chances of getting lung cancer from smoking offset by the significant increase in coolness.
Students Health: Study concludes that even though cramming for a test the night before isn’t as efficient as studying in advance for a test, given that the average student has 10456 things going on at the same time, cramming is really the only way forward to study for tests.