CORNER OF EAST STREET AND 10th - The Grinnell College Security Office has been plagued by interesting weather phenomenon and appearances of mutant animals and discarded Outtake boxes. The cause of this, researchers have found, is a hole in the time-space continuum manifesting as a time vortex appeared a few feet above the roof. This has caused a local time distortion, leading time near the security office to run more slowly than time in the surrounding area.

According to staff, this is not a new feature, Officer Brad Tucker said, “We’ve actually had a very tiny vortex for as long as I’ve been here. Usually you can only see it when the wind calms down. It’s generally not a big problem. Our clock runs weirdly, passing birds get confused, but nothing major. There seems to be a weird gap between when we get calls to security and when we arrive on the scene, but again, that’s not a big deal.”

However, the recent changes have created more severe problems.

Student responder Evelyn Grace ’19 said, “Since the start of semester the vortex has been much more of an issue. The other day I forgot my backpack at work, so I stepped into building to get it. When I stepped out, half an hour had passed!”

Said Officer Caroline Jads, “The worst part is that the time distortion screws with our electronics and our wifi. We’ve had a real issue sending emails in a timely manner.”

Continued Jads, “We’re trying out several options to solve this. At the beginning of the semester we were using a Morse code lantern system to communicate with ITS, but the time distortion made everything seem like a dash. The logical plan B is using coded messages transmitted via carrier pigeon, but there is a shortage of those in Iowa so we might try turkey vultures instead.”

However, the staff are working to address the slowdown of normal operations caused by the time-space hole.

Officer Tucker said, “One way to remedy our reduced efficiency is to hire more student workers to receive calls. Also, most of us are confident the student staff’s training is enough for them to also act as responders in low risk situations. The competence of our student staff will greatly improve our speed.

Officer Jad said, “We have also considered more radical methods to compensate for our increased time deficiencies. We may increase the officers, perhaps moving to two officers even at relatively quiet times like Saturday nights.”

For a more permanent solution, Security has reached out to the Physics department.

Said Professor Amy Gonzalez, Physics. “This is a serious issue. Previous case studies of time vortexes show that there is significant chance that the office could get stuck in a time loop. The officers would never be able to leave. While this might only have a marginal impact on security’s efficacy, it would be more problematic for those trapped in the building.”

Gonzalez continued, “Because of the importance of the situation, I am planning a MAP with three to four students. Our goal is to either remove the vortex or, in the best case scenario, to harness its space-time travel potential, which would allow officers to instantaneously teleport across campus. I estimate this could lead to responder wait times as low as twenty minutes.”