WELLNESS LOUNGE - After many students raised issues with the current healthcare available at SHACS, the administration has found several new solutions. According to RayKay, the most important edition to SHACS is the new massage chair in the Wellness Lounge.

“All of our problems have been fixed,” said the singular SHACS nurse. “With the introduction of the new massage chair, SHACS no longer needs to worry about addressing any of the students’ concerns or needs ever again!”

The new massage chair has more capabilities than a typical massage chair as well. There are two remotes: one for a massage, and one to perform a psychiatrist’s duties.

“Press one for a reassuring adage. Press two for a terrifying diagnosis. Press three to have a corrective prescription thrown at you,” said the massage chair.

Now that the massage chair has been installed, SHACS has started giving referrals to the massage chair rather than GRMC, for most medical or mental health problems. However, many students have reported complaints about the massage chair acting as their doctor.

“I just wanted some Tylenol for a headache. The massage chair threw horse tranquilizers at me,” stated Kenneth Irving ‘18 while picking pills out of his beard.

Despite the students’ complaints, the administration has been continuously reshaping the Wellness Lounge as the “New SHACS.” Many new features are being put into place, such as a machine that dispenses free condoms to anyone who shouts “[NAME NEEDS CONDOMS!]”, and five-dollar tampons. To save even more money, SHACS has been converting existing Wellness Lounge features to serve as medical/mental health support. The iPads are now constantly logged in WebMD, so that students can look up their symptoms and perform a self-diagnosis. Students running a fever are now asked to press their faces against the tile floor to cool themselves down.

“I broke my arm and SHACS had me sit by the glowing orange wellness rock!” said Emily Marsellus. Her arm is still broken.

The move to the Wellness Lounge will be completed before the end of semester. Once it is finished, the Dining Hall plans to use the space and have the area dedicated solely to hot dog rollers.