CAMPUS-The Grinnell College administration is under fire after rumors surfaced about they have been invoking dark powers to silence any mention of self governance.
The information came out in the form of an online statement made by an anonymous author who claims to be a member of the Grinnell college administration. Among the information leaked is a list of contacts and messages between administration members and entities the source identified as “evil archvillains” such as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Sauron, House Lannister, and George W. Bush. The source discloses that tactics have been implemented, such as sending “Self-Gov Eaters” to track down anyone who mentions “Self-Gov Is Love” and casting “gradus descendere spells that curse tour guides with a 50% reduction in GPA if they dare mention SelfGov to prospies”.
In fighting Grinnel- lians to end self-gov, we can’t just really do the usual – suspend those who are acting rowdy, threaten to expel them if they fight back, arrest people on charges of sedition…” the source wrote. “It was decided that a think-tank of the world’s most powerful super villains would help us silence dissenters”.
Said student Cayla Bents ‘16, via Facebook “Even though I was super polite at my meeting with President Kingston and took the cookie his secretary gave me, I am pissed as fuck at this bullshit. Even though Kingston very strongly denied the student body’s accusations, I would like to point out that the administration has yet to provide explanations for behaviors which the student body sees as ‘evil and just plain fucked up’, such as the decision to set up a portal to the netherworld in our new golf course, and how President Kingston’s was drinking animal blood during our meeting.”
Students also point to a recent statement on the Grinnell College website, which read, “We’re not saying that these allegations have a fragment of truth to them. But maybe, maybe, if you are attending this college, then maybe, you have no right to complain about how we deal with self gov, and maybe, if you do decide to be ungrateful, then maybe, some demonic banshee will strangle you with your own entrails and post embarrassing statuses on your Facebook.” Although it was taken down, it was replaced with another message that just read “Maybe.”
Whilst some students call out the hypocrisy of Grinnell being a place of social justice and consorting with beings who are “literally the most evil beings to exist”, others take greater issue with the cost of these new connections are allegedly charging the college.
Said Wesley Harper, “Come on, you’re telling me that with this ‘we are in austerity mode’ bullcrap we live under we can pay for Cthulhu to travel all the way from under the ocean to come and give a 10 minute speech on how to Consume our enemies, and satisfy his requirements for an incredibly specific diet of freshly spawned salmon and impressionable adults? What gives?”