MIKE’S BIG SHOWER - To kick-start Grinnell College’s “zone of confluence” initiative, President Rayofsun recently announced the new plan to move all of the college’s bathrooms into town to “foster more student engagement with the community.” “I’m honored to develop the relationship our regal institution has with its townspeople!” he said while walking down Main Street with his shower caddy and Selsun Blue in one hand and his towel in the other. “What better way to pop the Grinnell bubble than by showering with your neighbor?”
The zone of confluence is Grinnell’s attempt to blur the lines between the college campus and the town. Administrator Windy Crawfish hopes to “foster more student engagement with the community . . . so that local businesses can get a crack at students’ parent’s money.” Initially, plans included opening up a “cool arcade” featuring “fun games and nachos” as a hip hangout spot, but when students didn’t express interest, the zone of confluence taskforce came up with the idea of making students walk into town to take care of their basic hygiene.
This move is the next step after last year’s purchase of the town’s Pizza Hut, which will be taken apart and reassembled behind the pizza counter in Dining Hall to draw townies onto campus. RayofSun justified the purchase by bringing up an old feudal practice. He noted that, “In the late 19th century, English and French nobility would buy old castles throughout Europe, dismantle them and rebuild them on their property. C’mon, this is for the students; there are lots of other businesses I could bring to the college. If it were up to me, Derek the Cobbler from Brown’s Shoe Fit Co. would be slaving away at a pair of Italian winter boots in the bike shed behind my house right now. But the kids want pizza. Plus they’ve got a crust made out of pizza rolls. Genius.”
Local business owners are excited about developing potentially meaningful and intimate relationships with students. Mike Pompous of Mike’s Big Shower, a truck that has opened up by the old Pizza Hut building in anticipation of the move said, “To be honest, business hasn’t been stellar lately.” His store is completely empty but for a single shower nozzle in the back right corner. “But that nozzle can clean up to eleven people! –well, nine if the sanitary department is watching” he whispered. “I’m great with kids, great at getting clients to consistently come back— Once students start having to deal with the lines of having maybe twenty bathrooms for the entire campus, customers will flock to my truck. And if business gets good enough, I could even set up another nozzle, maybe two, no problem. Watch and learn, Grinnell, this is capitalism at work!”
Mr. Pompous concluded. “The only thing we need to work out now is paying for the cost of moving all showers and toilets on campus into town.” said Crawfish. “Yes, it would cost millions, but what are a few million dollars to the possibility of students and townies sitting down and having a chat together while expelling waste from their bodies?”