NORTH OF THE BEAR - Last week, an email was sent to the stu- dent body announcing that the Board of Trustees of Grinnell College signed a deal purchasing the Grin- nell Country and Golf Club. The new purchase officially merges the two institutions into The Grin- nell College Country and Golf Club, GCCGC. As soon as the new contract is signed, all students will officially become mem- bers of the Club College.
The new college will be officially christened on June 1st at Arbor Lake. The contract will put into a place four new majors and two new concentra- tions. Beginning Fall 2016, club members will be able to major in Sail- ing, Palette Cleansing Analysis, Polo, and The History of the Tote Bag. Members will also be able to concentrate in Caddying and Bowtie Studies.
In addition to the change in the curriculum, there will be a big shift in administration. President Raynard Kington will be replaced by a younger man from Connecticut by the name of Mr. Clive Cottonmouth has already announced that GCCGC’s new mascot will be a single Scarlet and Black Sperry boat shoe. In addition, the Banquet Hall, for- merly known as the Dining Hall, will deny access to any members who are not wearing a sport jacket and tie and/or a monogrammed purse. The only other food option will be the Grillééé which, going forth, will only serve avocado toast and quail eggs. Cotton- mouth plans to change the social lives of members as well. Harris parties will now be called Sterling Quincy III Galas. Anger ensued when it became official that a wine and cheese brunch followed by a Croquet match would replace the 10/10 as a cam- pus tradition.
There has been a large backlash by many Grin- nellian students and some have even gone so far as to protest. Jackie Miller ‘18 stated, “I don’t know if the administration knows how much this is going to affect students like me. What am I going to do with vintage Birkenstocks and my thrifted wool sweater collection? My eight simi- larly colored oversized button-down flannels will certainly be useless at the new Club College. I heard that Second Mile is becoming a J. Crewnana Republic store. Where will I shop?! Ugh.”
Other students, however, are enthusiastic. “After semesters of deal- ing with problems like SHACS being under- staffed and some dorms being plain inaccessible, I’m glad to see the ad- ministration finally take action,” said Christie Chang ’17. “It’s nice to see that they’re finally listening to the student body and allocating resources in a beneficial way.” In preparation for the new changes, students were seen all over campus throwing out their record players and Neutral Milk Hotel tapestries.
The new contract includes a blueprint of the new campus. Right next to the hot springs relaxation room will be the new build- ing Betternow which will be adjacent to Bucksbaum. Bucksbaum will be home to the new Mozart apprecia- tion center. All students will be required to listen to 41 hours of classical music in order to graduate. Two more graduation requirements in- clude hand sewing a salmon pink polo shirt to fit a large Thoroughbred Horse and spending at least one semes- ter on a juice cleanse.
The Administration plans to release a new email in the coming weeks out- lining a timeline of when these changes will take place. When asked for a comment, Cottonmouth responded, “All you hip- pies better watch out. Better go ask your mom for your grandmother’s old pearl necklace.”