HARRIS - The recent caucuses on February 2nd had huge student turnout—over nine hundred people were present at Harris Center alone. However, now that the caucuses are over, many students have reported a descent into ennui.
“I just couldn’t bring myself to care about current events when I realized that I would not get to see any presidential candidates today,” stated Mary Jammer ‘19 as she slowly shredded the Grinnell Herald-Register. “My Docs are still covered in the dust left behind when the campaign buses hightailed out of here, and I don’t want to wipe off those memories.”
The campus itself also appears to be deserted, with only a few students wandering aimlessly. Many O’Malley posters have been found scattered across the ground, and Bernie fly through the air like tumbleweeds.
“There’s nothing left for me now that I no longer get the chance to turn an O’Malley supported into a Hillary supporter,” said Kammal Leaver ‘17. “I’ve had to make all of my political arguments on Facebook. I’ve already lost three friends!”
Third-year Nicole Shandy ‘18 expressed this sentiment as well, saying that her source of happiness now is “reblogging dank Bernie Sanders memes”.
Additionally, some particularly upset students have been taking to living in the Harris Center, reliving memories of the caucus. Rather than attending class or doing homework, the students just sit in certain corners of the gym, and raise their hands all day long, waiting to be counted.
One distraught fourth-year was even arrested this week because of his post-caucus depression. Reid Williams ‘16 was taken into custody after breaking down the doors of many houses in town, in an attempt to canvas.
“CAN I COUNT ON YOUR SUPPORT FOR MARTIN O’MALLEY,” he repeatedly yelled to one terrified family.
The College’s administration has acknowledged the clear and present problem of post-caucus melancholia. After many private meetings with the SGA, administration found a solution to the problem: senatorial elections, which were held last week. However, vote turnout, in the words of an anonymous SGA official, was “abysmal”. Overall, only 25% of the student body actually voted in the election. Another SGA official expressed her surprise, saying that, “I thought this was what the students wanted! We just cannot win!”
When asked to explain the low vote turnout, student Tyler Robertson ‘18 said, “Wait, we had the senator elections?”
Other students complained about the actual setup of the elections, saying that it was “nothing like the actual caucus.”
“That’s why I didn’t vote,” said Carla Cheek ‘19. “If I’m not sweating my ass off in a crowded gym for two hours at a time, then I am not interested in being a part of the democratic process.”
In an effort to compare the high turnout at the caucus versus the low turnout for the senatorial elections, many students were questioned about why they had chosen one but snubbed the other. When asked about voting in the caucus, John Coudis ‘16 said, “There’s nothing better than electing the next leader of this country!”
When asked about voting in the senator elections, he stated, “Yep, nothing better than electing the next leader of this country!”
Overall, the college administration has admitted defeat. President Kington is confirmed to have muttered, “Well, I guess these students won’t be normal again until November.”