MAC FIELD - Two of Grinnell’s newest students this semester have already made a splash.
“My new roommate Ronald Dump is amazing,” Josh Kent ’19 said. “At first, I thought he was a professor, but he actually took a few years off to work with his apprentices. And he’s loaded.”
Another new student, Phil Hinton ’17, has also been making waves. Hinton lives off campus with an intellectually tall, blonde woman whom most students believe to be his mother. Like Dump, Hinton appears much older than his apparent twenty years.
Another thing these crazy kids have in common is their obsession with politics and presidential candidates.
“I love Hillary Clinton,” Hinton stated. “I mean, she’s amazing. What a strong, independent woman who’s going to help America! Just like all of you!”
Hinton started his own club: Justice Is Super Sexy, which he claims is everything that Hillary Clinton stands for. His club is has attracted many student members, especially brunette women. “He told us we had to wear blue dresses,” Jessie Chance ’16 complained. “It was super weird. Like, no.”
When asked why he’s working so hard to promote Hillary, Hinton shook his head.“I mean, I know that some people may like Bernie Sanders or Donald Trump, but honestly, I was president first. And Hillary would be just as good a president!”
If Hinton is on one end of the extreme, Dump is on the other. “I’m just saying, Jeb Bush is a dumb guy. As is Ben Carson. But you know who’s super cool?” Dump proselytized to a few passing students. “Donald Trump. I mean, he’s so assertive and smart and funny.”
Dump has also taken the initiative to create the “Students for Donald Trump” club. It currently only has one member.“And they said I couldn’t be president,” he scoffed. “I showed them. This is almost as grand as Donald Trump’s hair.”
Some students find Dump ’s enthusiasm concerning.“He’s a bit obsessed with Donald Trump,” Merica Lonnski ’17 said nervously as Dump returned with a bowl of broccoli. “It’s a little annoying. I mean, Donald Trump basically employs slaves.”
“I love broccoli. It’s great. But you know what’s greater? Donald Trump. He’s going to make our nation great again,” Dump explained, digging into his broccoli.
When asked about each other, Dump and Hinton had no positive words, despite the fact that they are both on the Ultimate Frisbee team.
“You know who Hinton reminds me of?” Dump asked. “Bill Clinton. Aka the worst president ever! What a lame-o president with a lame-o wife. And I bet that he couldn’t catch a Disc if his life depended on it!”
When asked about Dump, Hinton nearly exploded. “If Ronald Dump liked Donald Trump any more, then he’d marry him. I mean, he’s such a Disc hog. And so is Dump! Hillary will be president! She’s got bigger balls than he does. Hell, she’s got my vote…and my heart!”